Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lola
I sit on the sofa, fiddling with the hem of my skirt as I wait for the social worker to get here.
Hannibal's cold and remote, sitting beside me, but I don’t take it personally. I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his teenage daughter coming to live with us. I’ve seen the side looks when people find out he has a daughter that he hid from his club. Even though I’m not justifying his actions, I can understand his reasoning. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away, especially if you think you pose a danger to someone. I don’t know how much Hannibal has changed in the last fifteen years, but his ex agreed that her daughter was safer without Hannibal around. He could have easily cut those strings and walked away like so many deadbeat fathers, but he didn’t. He might not know how to love a child, but he knew how to provide for one. From what I can tell from mostly eavesdropping, Hannibal provided above and beyond what was necessary.
Honestly, I don’t think Hannibal's the monster he and everyone else believe him to be.
I’m sure he has his moments where his sanity leaves the building, and his demons come out to play, but he’s not inherently evil.
He’s shown me more kindness and affection than most people have, and he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.
He thinks he doesn’t know how to love.
I think he just doesn’t know how to recognize it.
It makes me wonder what his home life was like as a kid.
The sound of a car approaching has me lifting my head and wiping my sweaty palms on my skirt.
I have no idea why I’m nervous.
Millie's just a kid, after all. If I can take shit from a bunch of asshole bikers and spiteful bitches, I can handle the whims of a teenager, right?
When the car stops and the engine cuts out, I stand up, just as Hannibal does. I’ll admit, I’m nervous because a lot rides on this. If Millie doesn’t want me around, Hannibal might decide to cut his losses and find someone else to raise his kid.
“You ready?” I ask with false cheer in my voice. Gotta fake it until you make it, right?
He looks down at me, his gaze completely blank. The hollowness makes me shiver.
I reach out and squeeze his arm. “Come back to me, Hannibal. You’ll only scare her with that serial killer look, and I think the kid has been through enough.”
He blinks and I swear his lips curl up a touch, but it’s gone in a second, and I have to assume I imagined it.
A brisk knock at the door has my stomach churning. I move to open it just as Hannibal reaches up and takes my hand in one of his. He uses his free hand to open the door, revealing the social worker.
“Mr. Shaw?” She holds out her hand for him to shake. He releases mine to shake it before taking mine once more.
“I’m Mrs. Taylor—Millie’s social worker.”
“Where is Millie?” Hannibal’s deep voice asks.
“She’s still in the car. She dozed off on the way over. She hasn’t been sleeping well, as I’m sure you can imagine. I didn’t want to wake her until necessary. I thought you could give me a tour, and we can get any questions out of the way before she wakes, if that’s okay?”
“That works,” he agrees, taking a step back and tugging me with him so the woman can come in.
“I’ll leave the door open, if you don’t mind, so she knows where to find us if she wakes up.”
“That’s fine. So, Mrs. Taylor?—
“Jane, please.”
“Jane, call me Hannibal. And this is my fiancée, Lola.”
I jolt at the title of fiancée, but I keep the smile on my face and don’t let the shock show.
“It’s nice to meet you, Lola.” Her eyes travel down to my stomach before looking back up. I can see she wants to ask, but unlike some people, she doesn’t want to offend me if she’s wrong.
“Yes, I’m pregnant. But depending on what I’m wearing, it’s hard to tell if it’s baby or I’m just bloated.”
She chuckles. “I was like that with my Charlie. Never knew I was pregnant from the back. When I delivered him, I walked right out of the hospital in a pair of size four jeans and a tank top as if I hadn’t just been carrying another human around inside me for nine months. My daughter Diane though…” She blows out an exaggerated breath. “I gained sixty pounds, and it took ten years for me to shake off.” She shakes her head and blushes. “Sorry, ignore my rambling. Congratulations, by the way.” She nibbles on her lip as I smile.
“Thank you.”
“Look, I won’t lie and say this is going to be easy. Millie's a good kid, but she’s just lost her mom. And now she’s being forced to live with her dad, a man she never met, who for all intents and purposes, didn’t want her.” She holds up her hand to stop Hannibal from speaking.
“I’m not judging you. That’s not what this is. I’m just warning you that there will be some teething problems. She’s hurt, scared, and I dare say, lonely. Lola being pregnant might also prove to be a bone of contention between you because, while you didn’t want her, you clearly want this baby.”
“So you’re saying I’ve fucked everything up already?” Hannibal sighs.
“Welcome to parenthood. We all, uh…mess up. But you’re here now. You didn’t turn her away when we both know you could have. She’ll push you, there's no doubt about that, but I think you can handle it.”
Hannibal tilts his head, watching her. “You’re not worried about her being raised in a motorcycle club?”
I cough, warning him to tread lightly.
Jane’s smile turns sharp. “Like I said, I don’t judge. But that said, I’ll be keeping an eye on Millie. I’ll drop by and visit to make sure she’s adjusting and?—”
“Safe. Thank you,” I reply softly. “We’re not offended. It shows you care.”
Her shoulders relax. “I think we’re all on the same page. I’m not here to make your lives more difficult. I just want to see Millie happy and settled.”
“Gotta say I heard some horror stories about foster care and social workers. I think it wouldn’t be quite so horrific if a few more of them were like you,” Hannibal grunts, making me blink.
Did he just compliment her? I have to hold back my snort when I see how startled she looks, too.
“Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say. Now, I don’t want to keep you for too long, but I do need to take a quick look around.”
My face flushes with embarrassment as she takes in the sparsely furnished room.
“Not much to see right now, as this is only temporary, while our actual house has some work done on it. I figured this was better than a hotel, though.”
“It’s clean and tidy, and that’s half the battle. Despite popular beliefs, kids don’t need money thrown at them. They need love. If you asked her if she’d rather have a big fancy house or her mother back, which do you think she’d choose?”
Hannibal concedes her point with a nod. She has no idea how much I needed to hear that right now. I’ve done nothing but feel like I’ve failed my child in every conceivable way. I’ve worried day and night about providing for him, but Jane’s words put things into perspective and remind me of being a kid. I had everything, and yet it was all just window dressing. I had none of the things that mattered. I thought I’d found that in Havoc, but maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. Maybe everything I need to give my son the best start in life is already inside me.
With that revelation knocking me for six, I miss most of the conversation around me as Hannibal holds tight to my hand and leads me around the house. By the time we’re done, I realize I haven’t spoken a single word.
“Everything looks good. I will need to see the new place you’re moving into when it’s ready though.”
“That won’t be a problem,” Hannibal reassures her.
“Excellent. Here.” She hands him an information packet. “There are some helpful tips in there, plus all my numbers if you think of something else you want to ask after I’m gone.”
“Thank you,” I chime in.
“Alright, I’m going to wake Millie. Just take it one day at a time. And be yourselves. Kids can tell when you’re trying to be something you’re not.”
She turns and opens the door, hurrying down the steps and over to the car.
Hannibal sighs. “If I try to be myself, I’ll traumatize the girl.”
“No, you won’t. Just be the you that you are with me.”
He gives my hand a squeeze before turning his attention back to the car. When the back door opens and a girl steps out wearing jeans and an oversized hoodie, I feel him tense beside me again. I trace circles across the back of his hand with my thumb in what I’m hoping is a soothing gesture.
Jane moves to stand beside Millie, holding her bag out for her. Millie takes it before turning to look at the house and freezing when she sees us watching her. Jane urges her forward. The closer she gets, the more her features come into view. Holy crap, she looks like Hannibal. The slant of her head, the cool aloofness teamed with her cold gaze makes me want to chuckle. Something tells me this kid isn’t as fragile as Hannibal thinks she is.
Her dark hair bounces around her shoulders as she walks up the steps and stops just outside the door. Jane moves up behind her and places her hands on Millie’s shoulders.
“So, you’re my father?” she asks softly as she takes in Hannibal’s face.
He nods slowly.
“I saw you at the hospital. Mom says—” she swallows hard, her face paling slightly “—she said that you’re my dad, but the drugs were making her loopy. I expected a banker or a car salesman or something, not a biker.”
“You got a problem with bikers?”
I squeeze his hand hard.
“I don’t think so. I never met any before. I just meant my mom had a type, and you’re not it.”
“Millie,” Jane warns her.
Hannibal shrugs. “Come back in fifteen years and tell me if you still like the same shit you do now. People change. Even moms.”
“Do dads? Coz I’ve gotta say, you’ve been a shit one up till now.”
“Language, Millie.” Jane shakes her head.
“I hope so, because I’m the only family you’ve got left, girl.”
Millie flinches and wraps her arm around herself.
I let go of Hannibal’s hand and walk toward Millie. “Hi, I’m Lola. I’m rubbish in situations like this because I never know what to say.”
She dips her head and tucks her hair behind her ear, almost self-consciously.
“Can I just say you are seriously pretty?”
She jolts, looking up at me in shock.
“Right. Well, I’ll leave you to get acquainted,” Jane tells us with a smile on her face. Millie turns to look at her as Jane gives her a pat on the back. “You have my number, sweet girl.”
“Jane, I?—”
Jane cuts her off, taking her hand briefly. “They aren’t expecting anything from you. All I ask is that you try. While it’s true that there are some wonderful foster families out there, there aren’t enough.”
Millie’s shoulders slump. “I know. I’ll be good.”
I bite my lip so I don’t say anything I shouldn’t.
“Let me walk you out,” Hannibal offers, which Jane agrees to.
“See you soon, Millie.”
“Bye,” Millie murmurs, looking at me and waiting for something.
“Okay, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. Tell me what you need from me, and I’ll do my best to figure it out. Do you want me to order you some food, show you to your room, or maybe you want a shower?” I babble.
“I’d like to see my room. Thanks,” she tacks on the end after a moment of hesitation.
I motion for her to follow me down the hallway and up the stairs. “I don’t know if anyone has told you that this place is only temporary?” I turn to look at her once I reach the top of the stairs.
“There isn’t anyone else who wants me.”
I frown before I realize I hadn’t explained myself too well. “Shit, I’m sorry that came out wrong. What I mean is that this house is temporary while we wait for the other one to be finished. It’s still on the compound, just further up the hill.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“You’re staying with us, Millie. As long as that’s what you want.”
“What happens when he leaves me again? What happens when he remembers he didn’t want to be a dad in the first place?”
“He won’t leave you, Millie. But I know it will take time for you two to build some trust. I’m not in that. That’s all between you and your father. What I will do is make you my own promise.” I step forward and make sure she’s looking me in the eye so she can see how serious I am. “I promise that I’ll fight for you,” I vow, putting myself in her shoes, wishing I’d had someone fight for me when I needed them. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” I hold up my pinkie finger for her.
She looks at it and rolls her eyes.
“You’re such a dork,” she huffs, but she wraps her pinky around mine and squeezes.
“Now, let’s get you settled. Then, when you’re ready, we’ll make a list of the things you want and need, and we can do a little shopping.”
“Jane said the rest of my things will arrive tomorrow, so you don’t have to take me shopping.”
“And we don’t have to go if you don’t want to. But if you change your mind, you let me know.” I push the door to her room open. “Even if it’s just to grab a couple of things to add some color to this room.” I keep my smile in place as I think about the hours I spent sanding and painting this room so it could become the baby’s nursery.
When Hannibal saw the unfinished state, he painted the room using some leftover magnolia paint he found in the garage, hiding the yellow I’d applied. I didn’t bother telling him it was supposed to be a nursery. I kept my mouth shut and smiled like I was supposed to. It was bittersweet. I’d spent time and the tiny bit of money I could scrape together on paint, even though the thought of having a baby grow up in this house terrified me.
I have no idea what Khan’s house looks like. I’ve never been inside it, but anywhere is better than here. Besides, now that I know I’m having a boy, I don’t need to stick to neutral colors.
“It’s fine. Thanks.”
I step aside so Millie can walk past me. She places her bag on the bed and sits down beside it. With her hands in her lap and her gaze on the floor, she sits quietly as if waiting me out.
“I’ll leave you to it. I’ll just be downstairs, though, so come find me when you’re hungry, and I’ll make you something.”
She opens her mouth to protest, but I shake my head. “It’s no trouble. I want to do it.”
I move back to the door, sensing she needs a minute or two to get herself together. “I wish it were under different circumstances, Millie, but I’m glad you’re here.”
I walk out and close the door behind me, then lean against it, fighting back my tears as I listen to her cry.