Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lola
I spend the week cocooned away with Evan, Hannibal, and Millie, enjoying being a mom.
I’m somewhat sleep-deprived, but I’m happy.
My mindset feels different now Evan is here.
I lean back on the table I’m sitting on, my feet resting on the bench as I look out at the woods at the back of the compound and enjoy the warm sun on my face.
It’s forecast to rain later, but right now, there isn’t a cloud in the sky.
I hear footsteps in the gravel behind me.
I tense, knowing my peace is about to be shattered.
Once Redox called down to let us know that Havoc and Nevaeh were here, Hannibal had gone off to meet them.
I’d left Evan and Millie with Jolene and come out here.
As stupid as it sounds, I don’t want the chaos and drama of what’s about to unfold tainting our home.
Havoc can say whatever he wants to say, out here.
And then when he’s gone, I can go home, love on my boy, and pretend he doesn’t exist once more.
My fight-or-flight response kicks in the closer the footsteps get, but I fight down the urge to do either and sit calmly, masking my anxiety.
The smell of vanilla hits me first before Nevaeh sits on the bench next to my feet.
Wearing a short pleated gray skirt with a soft pink twinset and an honest-to-god set of pearls, she should look completely out of place here in the middle of a biker compound, yet she doesn’t.
She looks regal, like the queen she is.
A month ago, I’d have felt less than worthy of being in her shadow, but not now.
With that thought in mind, I steel my shoulders and hold my head high, refusing to beat myself up anymore.
It’s bad enough I let others treat me like shit without doing it myself.
“I’m sorry.”
I jolt at her unexpected words.
“What for? You’ve done nothing to me.”
“Didn’t I? From where I’m sitting, I’m the woman who stole your crown.”
I snort at that.
“You can’t steal something that was so casually thrown away.”
“He didn’t know what Driller did to you, Lola. He thought?—”
“Don’t.” The word sounds like it’s been ripped from me.
I suspected Driller had told her what he did.
He probably rubbed it in her face while planning on doing the same thing to her.
A month ago, I’d have felt vindicated that the truth was finally out.
Now I just wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone so I can enjoy my newfound happiness.
“Don’t make excuses for Havoc. Don’t sit there and pretend that if you were in that situation, he wouldn’t have fought tooth and nail until he got the truth. He would never believe you’d betray him. I’m not sure he’d believe it even if he saw it with his own two eyes. His faith in you is absolute.
“Do you know how many times he asked me what happened?
Zero times. The man I loved, the man I sacrificed everything for, walked away from me with the first excuse he got and let me take the blame for it.
Khan told me Havoc cheated on me, and I knew he was lying.
Straight up, I one hundred percent trusted my man, but he never deserved it.
I always knew I loved him more than he loved me.
And for a while, I was okay with that.
I just didn’t realize how little I meant to him until I saw how easy it was for him to turn his back on me.
And even then, I took what Driller gave me.
I took each hit, each unwanted advance and spiteful name hurled my way, because my silence protected Havoc.
But what did he ever do to protect me?
”
“He was in prison, Lola,” she reminds me softly.
“I’m not saying it’s an excuse. I’m just explaining that it wasn’t so easy?—”
I stand up and brush down my skirt before facing her.
“He might be the hero of your story, Nevaeh, but he’s the villain of mine.”
I turn to walk away and freeze when I see Havoc standing there, his hands fisted at his sides, his face a mask of fury.
Before I can stop myself, I take a step back and trip on the bench.
Nevaeh reaches out to catch me, but then Havoc's there with his hands around my arms. I freeze solid, the air locked in my lungs as I wait for the blow to come.
“I would never hit you, Lola. You fucking know that!” he all but roars at me.
Before I can do anything, Havoc's ripped away from me and thrown to the floor as I find myself pulled into Hannibal’s arms.
“I’ve got you, doll. Nobody is gonna hurt you. I vow it.”
The air rushes from my lungs on a sob as my hands fist the leather of his cut and hold on for dear life.
“You ever touch her again, and president or not, I will gut you,” Hannibal snarls.
I lift my head and shake it, not wanting him to get into trouble.
“I’m okay,” I choke out, my breath hitching painfully as I fight to hold back my tears.
“Fuck. Fuck!” Havoc roars before he starts punching the picnic table.
I jolt with each hit until Nevaeh wraps her arms around him, and finally, he calms down.
The look he gives me eviscerates my insides.
But it’s not one filled with anger toward me.
It’s one filled with self-loathing and condemnation.
I know because it’s the same look I used to see when I looked in the mirror.
I can’t tell him it’s okay because it’s not.
If it’s forgiveness he wants, he’s come to the wrong place.
Maybe that makes me petty, but fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
How am I supposed to forgive him when I can’t even forgive myself?
I’m supposed to be the bigger person here, right?
I’m meant to forgive him, for my sake if not his, but I call bullshit.
Nobody is owed my forgiveness.
I’d rather take a big old pair of scissors and snip-snip the fucker from my life.
Nobody speaks for a minute.
Sometimes, it’s when we need to say everything out loud that words fail us.
He can’t go back and change the past, and I can’t give him absolution for his future.
We’re stuck in a twisted stalemate where neither of us can win.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to me, and God help me, I believe him.
It just isn’t enough.
I pull free from Hannibal’s arms and walk toward the house we once shared.
The house that became my hell.
I shove the door open, stomp inside, and wait as the others follow me.
I hear Nevaeh mutter something to Havoc, but I don’t hear the words over the sound of blood rushing in my head.
I pause in the hallway, my eyes going to that damn wall.
Before I can stop myself, I let it all pour out, purging my torment before it eats me alive.
“You took Khan’s call and left that day before I had a chance to tell you. I was so fucking scared. I could already feel myself fading away and…” I swallow, trying to steady my shaking hands.
“If I’d known you’d leave that day and never come back, maybe I’d have done things differently. That’s the thing about hindsight, though, right?”
I turn my head so I can face Havoc even as I feel Hannibal draw closer to me.
“I waited for you. But it was Driller who came around the next day. For one god-awful moment, I thought something had happened to you, that you’d been hurt and taken from me. Then, when the truth came out, I almost wished you had. You chose your club over me time and time again, but this was beyond anything I was prepared for. You chose your brother over me?—”
“I was following orders?—”
“Bullshit. You were being a fucking coward. You could have chosen me like I always chose you. We could have walked away from MC life and lived happily ever after. But I was never enough, was I?”
He swallows but doesn’t answer, for once looking at a loss for words.
“He threw me against this wall before he raped me right here on the floor.” I let that bomb drop for a moment, ignoring the noise that comes from Havoc as Hannibal draws closer still.
He’s so close, if he took a deep breath, his chest would brush against my arm.
He keeps that sliver of distance between us, likely already knowing that if he touches me, I’ll break.
“He raped me hundreds of times after that. I was branded a slut, a homewrecker, a whore, but never a victim. Funny how that turned out, huh? I guess perspective is everything. I lost you, and everyone turned on me in the blink of an eye. All my choices were stripped from me, along with my self-worth and my dignity. But I kept my mouth shut because it was the only way to keep you safe.”
“Driller threatened Havoc?” Hannibal summarizes roughly, but something in his voice tells me he guessed that part already.
I nod. “Told me he’d arrange to have him killed inside if I said anything. Not that I thought anyone would believe me, not with how quickly they turned on me. For a club built on loyalty, you sure as shit don’t show an ounce of it.”
I cast my gaze to Nevaeh, who looks pale as she grips Havoc’s arm tightly.
“You have him because I kept him safe. Because I kept my mouth shut and my legs open.”
She pales further as Havoc growls.
I look into his eyes, eyes I once lost myself in.
“I kept telling myself that when you came home, I’d be able to tell you everything. Then you’d save me the way I saved you,” I whisper, feeling tears slip over my cheeks.
“Lola…” his voice drifts off.
“I lost our baby right here in this spot. It was my fault for telling him I was pregnant. I thought it would stop him, but it only excited him,” I manage to get out before my legs buckle and sobs rip me apart.
Hannibal's right there, sweeping me up in his arms and carrying me out of the house, away from my screams and pleas that are trapped in the walls, away from the invisible pool of blood that still stains the floor even though I’m the only one who can still see it.
Hannibal sits on the picnic table with me in his lap and bands his arms tightly around me. “Never again, Lola. Never will I let anyone hurt you. I’ll kill them myself. I don’t give a flying fuck who they are.”
I bury my head against his neck and breathe him in. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean just to blurt that all out.”
“Way I see it, you have not one fucking thing to be sorry for. It’s us that failed you, Lola, not the other way around.”
I jolt when I hear Havoc’s angry roar. The sound of things being thrown around and smashed makes me tense.
“You better stop him before he destroys the place.”
“He can set fire to the place for all I care. I’m right where I need to be.”
I pull back and look at him, knowing I look a mess with wet cheeks and swollen eyes. “Your reputation makes you out to be a monster, but you’re not. Not even close.”
He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead before he speaks, his lips brushing against my skin. “You have no idea what kind of monster I can be. And if I have my way, you never will because I’m not one when I’m with you.”
“Why, though? I don’t understand.”
“Because you deserve better. I told you I won’t let anyone hurt you and I’m including myself in that. I’d cut off my own hand before I ever lay a finger on you in anger.”
I reach up and cup his cheek, feeling his stubble scratch my palm. “Don’t let me fall in love, Hannibal. I’m not strong enough to survive you.”
“Fuck that. You’re strong enough to beat all the odds. I don’t know anyone else who could survive the fires of hell you walked through.
“One day, I’ll kill Driller, and then you and our boy will never have to share the same air with him again.”
“Don’t underestimate him.”
“I don’t underestimate anyone. Driller may be a monster, but he has nothing on me. For one thing, he targets women, which makes him weak. He wouldn’t stand a chance up against me. Plus, I have something he doesn’t have.” His hands caress my now empty stomach.
“What’s that?”
“Something worth fighting for. Nothing motivates a man more than his family.”
“The four of us against the world, huh? What happened to you worrying about fucking up?”
“I’m not worried about fucking them up anymore because I know you won’t let me. Nothing scares me except the thought of losing you. You hold my sanity in the palm of your hand, and you don’t even know it.”
“Why do you see me so differently than everyone else?”
He doesn’t answer. Instead, he wraps a handful of my hair around his fist and takes my mouth down to his. He kisses me hard and deep, reminding me that I’m his now and that everything that came before is just fading history like the angsty written pages of a teenage diary.
He kisses me until I lose my breath. When he pulls back, he stares into my eyes. The darkness in them doesn’t scare me anymore. It whispers of promises left unspoken.
“Um…sorry to interrupt.” Nevaeh’s voice pulls us from the moment.
I look over at her and wait.
Her eyes are wide, her skin pale, and she’s shaking ever so slightly. “I think I need to call a couple of club brothers. He’s not in any state to ride right now.”
Hannibal pulls out his cell and fires off a text before slipping his phone back into his cut.
“Go check on him. I’m fine now, I promise.”
“Not leaving you, Lola.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to trust me when I say I’m okay. I’ll stay right here where you can hear me call your name if I need you.”
“I’ll stay with her,” Nevaeh offers softly.
Hannibal looks at me in question. When I nod gently, he sighs, kissing my temple before lifting me off his lap and onto the table. He glares at Nevaeh. “Do not make her cry.”
Nevaeh sighs and climbs up onto the table next to me. “I’m not gonna make her cry.”
He continues to glare at her for a second before I say his name softly, making him back off. He stomps into the house, his anger riding him hard now he doesn’t have me in his arms to soften it.
“Driller told you he raped me?”
“Yeah. He told me. I didn’t know the scope of it though. And I didn’t know about the baby. God, Lola, I’m so damn sorry.”
I let my eyes drift closed for a moment and give myself a second or two to take a few deep breaths. “There's a part of me that blames myself for telling Driller I was pregnant.”
“You had no idea he would do what he did. How could you? Only a freaking psychopath would think that was the answer.”
“I know. Even if I hadn’t said anything, it would've become impossible to hide later. I would have just been delaying the inevitable. And all that would've happened is that I’d have fallen in love a little more with a baby that was never meant for this world.”
“Then why do you still blame yourself? I don’t understand.”
“Because when I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t sure I was ready. This shiny dream of ours had slowly started to rust. A baby is not a Band-Aid. I knew it wouldn’t fix what was breaking between us. It’s why I put off telling Havoc. I needed time to get my thoughts together. I needed to find a way to explain to him that I was unhappy and I didn’t know how to fix things on my own.”
“And then he was gone.”
“And then he was gone,” I agree.
“And you never spoke to him again before he came here with me that first time after getting released.” She rubs her hand over her face. “I kinda want to throttle him myself,” she admits.
“If you’re worried he might turn on you like he did me, don’t be. I see the way he looks at you. He’d give up the whole club before he let you go.”
“How can you say that and not?—”
“Feel like I’m dying? It’s simple. He never looked at me the way he looks at you. The man I loved doesn’t really exist anymore. I had this version of him in my head, but the reality was something different. I think he loved me in his own way. Loved me the way first loves do before they wither and die, making way for a new bloom. I was just too infatuated to see it.”
“I don’t know what to say or what’s supposed to happen next,” she admits.
I shake my head and smile ruefully. “You go home and live your life like tomorrow’s not guaranteed. I’ll stay here with Hannibal and our children and do the same.”
She’s quiet for a moment, lost in thought.
“I heard you have a healthy baby boy. Congrats, Lola. I’m glad you’re both okay.”
“Thank you.” I smile, thinking of my kiddo’s grand entrance into the world.
“Do you think you and Havoc will ever be able to go back to being friends?”
“We were never friends. We were lovers. Then enemies. But never friends. And now, for the sake of both our sanities, he’s just a boy I used to know.”
I stop talking when a pickup truck pulls up with Pan at the wheel. Two minutes later, a couple of bikes stop next to the truck. I watch warily as Kruger and Circus climb off their bikes. They spot Nevaeh and head our way.
“Hannibal sent us an SOS. What the fuck’s going on?” Kruger’s eyes skate over me, dismissing me completely.
I fold my arms but refuse to look away, done with being dismissed every two seconds.
“Havoc just found out the truth about what happened with Lola and Driller.”
“For fuck’s sake. Why couldn’t you leave well enough alone? He’s happy now. Can’t you just be happy for him?” Circus snaps, making my head whip around to glare at him.
Nevaeh hisses, her own anger rising, but it has nothing on mine.
“Oh, what a surprise, another little boy jumping to fucking conclusions. That’s what landed Havoc where he is now.”
I get to my feet, wincing because I’m still tender from giving birth. When Hannibal asked me if I wanted to reschedule, I refused, wanting to get it over with. Now I’m regretting that choice.
“Lola?” Nevaeh asks, concern clear in her voice.
“Just go home, Nevaeh, and take them all with you. I’m so fucking done with this shit.”
The next few minutes play out in slow motion.
Kruger’s hand claps onto my upper arm hard, making me cry out as I stumble. I’ve barely righted myself before Kruger is on the ground, and Hannibal's on top of him, punching him in the face, over and over. It takes both Havoc and Circus to pull him back. By then, Kruger’s face is a bloody mess.
“Enough!” Havoc roars.
Hannibal shrugs out of their hold and comes straight to me, tucking me under his arm. He looks at Havoc before shaking his head. “You might be the president of the mother chapter, but this is my club and my old lady. You’ve disrespected her and me with this bullshit. Get the fuck out before I do something you’ll regret.”
“I think you mean something you’ll regret,” Circus mutters.
Hannibal shakes his head. “I won’t regret anything, trust me.”
There's a silent stand-off for a moment before Nevaeh slides under Havoc’s arm.
“Time to go. This is Lola’s home. And she wants us out. If I were her, I’d want the same thing. And you’d make sure I got it.”
Circus helps Kruger to his feet.
All four of them stare at us from a few feet away.
The divide between presidents and clubs is growing ever wider.
“We need to talk,” Havoc says gently.
I shake my head. “Why?”
“I need to know what happened?”
“Again, why? Why do I have to relive every fucked-up memory? You might not have lit the match, but you left me to burn while you went out and found the life you always wanted. Congratulations. One day, I’ll even be happy for you, but today is not that day. Today, I just need you to leave me to my ashes.”
I walk away, leaving Hannibal to deal with the fallout.