4. Chapter 4
Chapter 4
Viola
W hen our lips connected, I was overcome with an urge to bite him, to consume him, to learn his secrets. He let me, but my intrusiveness is threatening to cross a line I do not want to with my magic.
I am terrified of losing control of it.
Theoretically, I can blame that loss of control on whatever it is that is making the magic within me and Mace react whenever desire flows between us. But that tends to manifest in storms and this is not the first time this has happened when it comes to blood.
When I experienced the bloodlust in the garrison after Stone was slain, I was a slave to the overwhelming instincts of my magic. Blood sings to me, a siren song of promise I struggle not to answer. I haven't felt anything like this for frost or ice. I get the same feeling from blood as I do from shadows. It's like I am finally coming home.
When Mace kissed me, a niggling voice in the back of my head whispered on repeat that I needed to bite him, I needed to see every part of him.
When that drop of his life force crossed my tongue, I could not deny that I liked what I saw.
Unfortunately, acting on a desire to rip each other's clothes off when surrounded by others is not something I am interested in.
Exhibitionism was never really my thing.
It was surprisingly easy to convince the group that we needed to explore this idea of me being a God. Loris planted the idea in my head days ago at the gala, and Himureal all but confirmed it. It's not as if I desire to be a God. Someone as selfish as myself is probably the last person who should be trusted with that extreme amount of power. The choice was made for me, though, so I may as well embrace it despite the horrifying consequences it may have, like in Max's case.
A horrific realization ripples through me. "I soulbonded you," I whisper to Mace, still face to face from our kiss.
He wrinkles his nose, "When? I don't remember that happening."
"Tulip. I made you promise to keep her safe." My mind spins. How can his life be tied to her safety? I have set someone else up for death with my carelessness. I rub at my chest as if I can feel a string leading from my soul to his. I tap my fingers softly down my breastbone, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm my fearful nerves.
I made a mistake getting close to him. I was foolish in believing that I could be anything but starkly alone.
Death follows me everywhere.
"Viola," he says, grabbing me by the shoulders and forcing me to pull my attention away from my comfort gesture and to him. "You made me promise to keep her safe from Stone, and Stone is dead. The bond was completed."
I grip his forearms tightly with my hands, unable to stop my nails from digging into his skin. He doesn't so much as flinch away from me. "How do you know?" All of the potential, horrifying outcomes swim in my head. Every word I say could become the words that doom someone.
He rewards my anxiety with a self-assured grin, the mask of calm he wore as a Patrician. "I don't. I didn't think about that promise being a soulbond until just now. But it makes sense that it would die with Stone because he was the center of it."
"You cursed him to keep me safe?" Tulip whispers from behind us. I startle, forgetting the fact that we were within hearing distance of our travel companions this whole time. "How could you, after what happened to Max?"
The hurt and accusation in her voice cuts me. Tulip has always been a mirror of me, an alternate reality where I had normal parents who were fine with the life they were given. Looking at her, I feel hopeful that I could fix the damage they caused with the right environment. Her accusation cuts me deep.
"It wasn't intentional, Tulip. I wasn't thinking." I pull on the end of my braid, willing my voice to stay level. "This was before the ritual, I thought I was going to die. I wanted to make sure Stone wouldn't come for you as he had the other winners."
She shakes her head, dropping her eyes to the floor. "You were careless. You think you're a God? You need to remember that that kind of power is a responsibility. You can't make choices that could hurt people."
"It was an accident, Tulip," Morrow speaks softly, his words intended just for her ears but amplified by the empty cavern. "I would have made a similar promise in her situation. You can't expect her to have a full handle on her power yet." She looks at him, locking shiny blue eyes brimming with tears with his warm brown ones. Morrow has made no secret of his desire to know Tulip more, but her inexperience has her ignoring his obvious attempts.
"I need some air," I mutter, shame coloring my face. Mace moves to follow me, and I shake my head, knowing if we go together, I will try to numb the guilt I feel over Max's death and the horror that I could have made the same mistake again with sex. I deserve to feel this ache, and Max deserves better than me pushing away the feelings her death rises in me. Hiding it with sex is what a coward would do.
I push through the brush covering the entrance and take a deep breath of the night air, looking up at the moon and its soft orange glow.
The forest around me is silent save for the rustling of creatures as they go about their lives under the moon. I wonder if I've been here before and if this is an area of the summit I have rested in. Maybe this is where I pilfered a campsite, or where I was tied to a tree, or a place I laughed with Max.
It's like I am surrounded by ghosts, memories that may materialize at any moment to try to break my psyche.
My restlessness isn't quenched just by the open sky, so I begin to wander, taking a path of wider and wider circles around the entrance to our hidden resting spot until I can barely see it in the distance. Sometimes movement helps me outrun my mistakes, but the thought that I could have cursed Mace to a fate similar to Max is not something I can escape. Sure, it ended up okay this time, but what about the next?
Will I spend the rest of my life afraid when someone makes me a promise?
Shadow, now so present he's basically a part of me, slips up my body from the place where he followed me on the ground, wrapping around my forearm and resting his head in my palm. Unnatural coolness radiates from where we connect, and I watch shadows ripple around from the point of contact.
They swirl around my body, seemingly acting on Shadow's intentions, not mine. The forest is slowly obscured from my view until I am within a shadow, and everything, including the ground I stand on, is a swirl of dark black. I recall that when practicing with Tulip before the ritual, I almost turned myself into a shadow, and I glare down at Shadow. "Did you turn me into a shadow, snake?" His tongue flicks out against my fingers. I bring him to my face and nuzzle my nose against the back of his head.
I splay out on the ground, allowing the cool embrace of darkness to black out my senses. I'm not sure how long I spend here, enjoying the solitude that only the pure dark can offer. I stroke down Shadow's back, grateful for his help in finding a place where I can be alone with my thoughts. "Thanks for the privacy, Shadow."
"I wouldn't call it exactly private."
The voice is cold, and ice fills my veins at the sound of it. I jump to my feet and spin in circles, attempting to locate where it came from.
"Now, do you think I would be foolish enough to just show up in your shadow vision?"
The voice taunts me, embedding every pore of my body, weakening my knees. I push past that feeling, allowing my anger to rise to the surface when I spit, "How did you find me, Himureal?"
His laugh is mocking, but he does not speak with the fury he did when I was fleeing the garrison. "I didn't find you. Our magics are complements. You entered your shadow vision when I was in my own, and I felt compelled to join you."
"What do you want, Frostweaver?" The slight crack in my voice betrays my fear of being caught alone with him. After the ritual, I was filled with confidence from having the strength to bring him back, emboldened by the surge of power his presence gave me. It's harder to be sure I can handle myself when I am here and alone with him.
"Quit acting like I am going to jump out and attack you, Shadowweaver. I have no desire to see you hurt, daughter."
I grit my teeth, unwilling to blindly believe his words. But my careful survey of the shadows does not show him anywhere in the immediate vicinity. I begin to accept the reality that he has found a way to communicate with me, no matter how far I get from him.
With a deep sigh and a voice tinged with sadness, he says, "You know what I want, Viola. Come back to Ytopie. Rule with me. This land does not need more Gods than us. I shared my power with you when I created the Witch's Ladder. Let me help you grow it from a seed to a forest." As he speaks, his voice changes location, as if he is walking around me without a corporeal form. The feeling that he could be here, just without a body, is unnerving.
"I love my people, Viola, and I have no desire to see them hurt. One thing you will learn about me is that I am cruel, but I am just. The only ones I wish to harm are my Godly siblings. I know you are working to bring them back, but know when you do so, you are bringing a war that will harm those people you are trying to protect from me."
How does he know our plans? I suppose it's not that far of a stretch to figure them out, but the fact that he determined it almost immediately makes sweat drip down my spine.
His voice feels like it is in front of me now, filling this pure black shadow vision with his strength and power. "But with you by my side, daughter, humans and fae alike will follow us, and war does not have to happen. I do not need the other Gods to balance me. You will do that naturally. My magic is perfect, and yours can be, too, with the right cultivation. Come to me, Viola. Let's restore Krillium in our image. Winter magic can flourish once more."
I badly want to believe that he would not harm this world and that his desire for power stops at keeping his siblings hidden away. Life would be much easier if I could tell beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was his true desire. But intuition tells me this God cannot be trusted, and even if it didn't, the image of his face snarling as I turned down his offer in the garrison would.
"Let me taste your blood. Let me see your true intentions, Himureal."
His laugh booms around me. "Come to me, return to Ytopie, and I will let you."
"I will not come to you, Himureal. I don't trust you. The world needs balance. Why would the four of you be created if only one were needed?"
"I didn't take you for a fool, Viola," he says with a scoff. The sound comes from all sides, weaving under my skin and wrapping me in a vice of disdain. "You know nothing about our world and how this all came to be. None of you do."
"I intend to find out," I challenge.
His voice fades to a whisper, and the sensation that his lips are brushing up my ear is all-consuming, wracking me with a shiver. "By all means, don't let me stop you. I have a feeling you'll join me soon enough anyway."
I sit in silence in my shadow world, mindlessly tapping along my arm and across Shadow's coiled body. When the darkness surrounding me doesn't fade, I set my intentions and pull the shadows into me. Slowly, the forest comes back into view, and the moon's light caresses my skin. I exhale deeply, slowing my heartbeat from the chance encounter with the God we're trying desperately to avoid.
"There you are!" a gentle, lilting voice calls out.
Turning slightly to my left, I slap what I hope is a reassuring smile on my face. "Oh, hello, Plume! I just needed some air." My words sound fake to my ears, but she does not seem to notice. Relief that she did not witness that I was speaking with Humureal washes over me. That is not a conversation I am willing to explain to anyone at this time.
She approaches me and places her hand on my shoulder, a gentle gesture from a woman who hardly knows me. "I know you wanted to be alone, but it's been a while since you left, and we were getting worried. Would you like to return?"
Every time Plume speaks, warmth and calm wash over me. I try to remember if that's a power of Spring magic but come up empty. That may just be who she is as a person. I place my hand over hers. "I'm going to hunt something for us to eat."
As I look back at her, she grins wider than I've seen since I met her. "I have beast control. Let me help you."
Despite my overwhelming desire to be on my own, I nod at her and watch as mottled gray magic leaves her body. It doesn't take long until there is a rustling in the bushes, and Plume has a self-impressed smile on her face.
I snag my blade from my thigh and stalk into the overgrowth. "I could just have it roll over for you," she supplies helpfully.
"Oh, where's the fun in that?"