19. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Zeph
" Y ou're really starting to get on my nerves," Loris seethes, glaring at me over a glass of wine on the other side of my dining table. The light in the room is low, curtains pulled over the windows to block the fading sunlight, and the grid shut off, only a few sconces now lighting our space. This has become a regular occurrence, him coming into my home and insulting me as if that's normal behavior between lifelong friends.
I think it's his way of showing that he's mad at me but misses my company. He's one of my best friends, and having him avoid me was becoming more difficult by the day.
The sad part is that I've accepted his vitriol. No one can make me feel worse than I already do, and it's better than him ignoring me.
Remorse weighs heavily on me, unchanging and taking residence in my chest more and more each day.
I cannot help but feel like the situation I'm in now is of my own making. I pushed Mace away following the deaths of our parents, ignoring all of his attempts to reach across the chasm I had built. Even now, forty years later, I still reject him. When we were both here in Ytopie, he regularly tried to engage in conversation, playful banter, and camaraderie with me, and I all but spit in his face.
Maybe if we had been closer, I could have spoken to him plainly about how I felt about Viola, and he would have pulled back his advances. Instead, I took his apparent interest in her as a challenge and made a regrettable decision that may cost me her affections permanently.
I feel her loss in my center, a hole in the shape of her smile. It is an acute reminder of just how much I fucked all of this up. I roll the stone carved with the flourished M through my fingers.
"I'm so sorry I'm not living up to your standards," I finally force out, locking eyes with Loris. His hair flops over his eyes again today, not spiked up in its regular style. "Himureal is going to bring Viola back. The two of them are all we need."
"You can't tell me you truly believe that, Zeph." He runs his hand down his face in frustration. Today, he's wearing gloves with the fingers cut off, his nails painted in a black lacquer. "I don't think we need Himureal at all. Viola is Godly enough on her own. Wouldn't you prefer to worship her than that asshole?"
I push to my feet, my chair falling over with the sudden movement and clanging on the ground. "I have worshipped her from the day I first saw her. Every part of me screams to cherish and protect her. But she is but a quarter of the power of Himureal – she cannot sustain us magically on her own." Heading to the kitchen, I pull off my yellow linen shirt, burning up with the combination of alcohol and frustration. I pour myself another two fingers of liquor and roughly slice a crusty bread and some cheese to bring to the table. At the last second, I pull a jar of the salty olive spread Loris loves before clattering the plate in front of him.
Loris snags a piece of cheese and rests it on a slice of bread after he drops a generous dollop of the spread on it. Between bites, he asks, "What do you mean, a quarter of his power?"
"Just what I said. Himureal anchored himself to the world with some of his power. Not all of it. She got that chunk of power. Sure, she's more powerful than a Seasonale, but she is nowhere near the level of a God. She's … a partial God? Something like that."
At least, that's what Himureal told me.
"I'll take a quarter of Viola over all of Himureal any day," Loris grumbles through a full mouth of food. "I do not trust him one bit." Since the night of the gala, when he called her a God and she yelled furiously at him, he's been smitten. Not in the way I am, of course, but he admires her and wants her around. Loris collects people out of a desire to make sure the most interesting and powerful people are attached to him. I don't think he even does it knowingly. It just happens when he's around. Most people cannot withstand his draw.
Despite being taller than anyone I've ever seen and impossibly thin, all knees and elbows like a walking stick, his presence overpowers everyone in his vicinity. I don't think his attire hurts. He favors dark colors, leathers, and chains. The pants he wears today have straps that cross from one side to the other, effectively tying his legs together. His chest is bare, an open vest hanging lazily off his arms .
We're continuously going around in circles, with him insisting that we find a way to get Himureal out of the city, to tell everyone that he was actually the one who killed Stone, and me insisting this is what is best for everyone.
Well, I know for sure it's best for me.
"Look, Loris, you have made it very clear where you stand here. I just don't think we have other options. Like it or not, one of our Gods has returned. He spent centuries in complete nothingness. There are going to be some growing pains as he adjusts to what the world is like now. I hope you can give him some grace in that regard. You gave Viola plenty."
His nose wrinkles as he kicks his booted feet up on my table while he gnaws at another chunk of bread. "She deserved grace. What happened to her was unacceptable. She became Stone's experiment. The moment she got here to Ytopie, a place she was told would be a relief from her hard life, she was suddenly thrown into a situation where she was supposed to save the world, and oh also, here are these two brothers who can't agree on anything who are fighting for your attention why don't you make a choice?" He's worked up now, breathing deeper as he speaks, a level of frustration I've never seen on his face before.
I steeple my fingers in front of me. "I know why she is important to me, Loris. But why is this getting you so worked up?"
"We had the chance to do things better, to be better," he groans, pinning me to my seat with a glare. "A Lowlander with the power of a God was exactly what we needed to unite once and for all. She would bridge the gap – a human with magic. All would accept her as one of their own. She was the link that would end this stupid fucking division." His voice drops, his features loosening as he looks down at his hands. "She was our chance at righting all the wrongs we've perpetuated over these humans for centuries."
I shake my head, scratching at my beard. "One woman can't do that, Loris. You're putting too much pressure on her. One woman is not going to be the change." I lean across the table, closing the space between us. "But a woman and a God working together? That could change things."
He snarls, feet hitting the ground heavily before he shoves to standing. "You think a God like Himureal, who sits in the ballroom all day waiting for us to worship him, is going to end the Race? Is going to give up that forced fealty? You cannot be so blind as to think he will do anything to help the people. At best, he'll maintain the status quo."
"We haven't talked about what will happen after Viola joins us, truly."
We should've talked about that by now, right? How have I not asked?
"Some high priest you are," he mutters, downing his glass of wine. "And by the way. How can you live with yourself lying about your brother like this? I get you two have a complicated relationship, but as your friend, this is low even for you. Anyone with eyes could see the feelings they had for one another were real, even if neither of them were willing to be vulnerable about it."
I'm on him in an instant, hand around his throat, pushing him against the wall. "You don't get to judge me for the decisions I am making. I am doing what I need to do to get her back to me. I don't give a fuck if you think she and Mace have feelings for one another. He is not right for her, I am. If I have to align myself with Himureal, if I have to slander my brother, if I have to cut off my fucking hand, I will do it. Whatever I have to do to get her back."
"You'd be smart to put me the fuck down, Zeph. Now."
I do as he says, letting him partially crumple before he rights himself. "I'm not trying to push you away, Zeph, as it seems you are determined to do with me." He lightly rubs his neck, where my hand left a red pressure mark. Despite that, he leans his back against my door and props his foot up on it. "I am trying to open your eyes, old friend. You want Viola? That's your goal, right? Let's look at it objectively here." He ticks off his fingers like he's prepared a list of grievances. "You kidnapped her best friend, which was one thing, but now exerting claim over her, expecting her to be with you after you slander the name of a man who, for all we can tell, she legitimately cares about?"
He shakes his head with a wry laugh. "After all the grief and loss she's gone through, you've made accusations that could land him in jail or worse, taking him from her forever. You've aligned yourself with a God determined to be the only God in the land, damn the consequences. A God who I have no doubt she is working her ass off right now to figure out a way to stop." When Loris looks at me now, his brown eyes are lit up with fury. "Zeph, you have made yourself his fucking high priest. Do you really think she'll be with you after all this? Do you think she'll even forgive you?"
Slumping into my chair, I rest my elbows on my knees and run my fingers through my hair. "I don't even know if I will forgive me, Loris. I just know that when I'm not near her, it feels like I can't breathe."