38. Chapter 38
Chapter 38
Zeph
I feel different.
The pain in my chest that has been plaguing me is still simmering under the surface, but instead of growing in intensity, it's a lump of smoldering coal in an abandoned fire.
I've all but stopped drinking at this point. Whenever I do, the pain gets worse. A glass here or there is fine, but the level of alcohol I consumed just a month ago would cause me to double over on the bed sobbing now. I miss the way alcohol made my head feel and how it quieted the thoughts that rolled through my brain.
But I don't think that clarity from cutting out alcohol is the difference I'm feeling tonight.
I look out at the Lowlands from my balcony, missing Plume and our late-night chats fiercely.
I cannot allow myself to miss Loris the same way. He's here, just a short walk away, but he seems to want nothing to do with me.
Though I do need to try, right? That's what a good friend does.
Fuck it.
Rushing out my door, I nearly forget to slide into some soft loafers before thundering down my stairs, running down two streets until I'm standing in front of the small cottage Loris has lived in ever since his parents threw him out when we were younger. Before I can even raise my fist to knock on the door, it's flung open by Taegan, and he steps out quickly, pulling it closed behind him.
"You know he doesn't want to see you, Zeph. I don't know what's going on with the two of you, he refuses to tell me, but he's furious at you."
I slump my back onto the side of their home, looking up at the glow of the moon. "I know he is, but he's still my best friend. He could've died in the bravery challenge, and I can't leave things like this."
"I don't agree with him entering the tournament either," Taegan sighs, leaning against the red door. "But you know how he gets. Once he gets an idea in his head, there is no letting go of it." Taegan mutters under his breath, and bright white particles of magic buzz softly before forming into a small ball of light that floats between us, illuminating just enough of his face for it not to be cast in shadows.
Taegan is a novice Helios, but he managed to conjure this light quickly and with ease, a sign he's been practicing lately. I need to get back into training the lessers under my season, but my brain has been occupied since I tried to overthrow the Race.
"Zeph, have you noticed anything weird with your magic?" he asks me quietly .
My shoulders stiffen. I have felt different. My magic comes easier, and the buzzing sound is more manageable. "Something feels different, yeah." I run my hands down my face, trying to rub the tension out of my skin. "My magic just feels…"
"More."
I nod at him. "Exactly. More. Like there is more out there for me to pull from." The words stick in my throat.
There is more magic out there.
More Summer magic out there.
The door slams open, and Taegan topples backward into Loris' arms. "Get inside before someone hears you two," he growls.
I follow Loris into his home tentatively. I rarely come here, but it looks exactly as I remember. It's a mess of shoes and dirty clothes thrown around. The bed in the corner is mussed, black sheets bunched at the bottom, and pillows haphazardly thrown near the top. The kitchen has a pile of dirty plates in the basin. Two mugs of mead are busy making water rings on a cherry wood table in the sitting room.
The whole thing is so inexplicably Loris. He's a man of tight control; everything about him is designed to produce a very specific image. And yet here, in his home, he sheds that mask and becomes as cluttered as I am sure his mind is.
Taegan rushes to pick up the loose articles of clothing, tosses them in a striped white hamper, and moves books from the plush burgundy sofa to offer me a seat. I sink into it as Loris perches himself on a rigid wooden chair directly across from me. After depositing the clothes in the hamper, Taegan joins us in the sitting room, standing behind Loris with a hand on his shoulder.
"Your magic feels different too?" Loris asks me with a scrutinizing glare.
"It's not why I came here. I wanted to talk to you about –"
He holds a hand up to stop me. "I don't care. Tell me about your magic."
I summon a flame in my hand, and it dances and turns, brighter and larger than a typical sprite. "It's bigger. Easier to bring forth. It feels stronger."
Loris nods curtly. "That tracks with what Taegan is experiencing too." He crosses his arms over his chest, dipping his head in thought. It's then that I notice just how tired he looks. He's got half-moon stains of purple taking up residence under his eyes, and his hair is limp across his forehead. Today, he's wearing a baggy black shirt with a pair of brown linen trousers, and he's barefoot. He doesn't seem like himself, and I struggle not to ask him what's wrong.
"I have a theory," he says finally, as if it hurts him to say. "And I don't think I can trust you, Zeph. I want to so badly. You do not even understand how much I want to." His voice cracks with the plea. But I worry if I tell you my theory, you'll run straight to Himureal. And he cannot know if this is true."
What he's asking of me is reasonable on the surface. I don't need to tell Himureal everything in my life. He barely demands my attention lately. But if what Loris tells me could get Viola back here quicker, I would need to share it, wouldn't I?
I guess it comes down to whom I owe my loyalty to more. My oldest friend, or the God who claims he can return the woman who stole my heart?
"I won't tell him, Loris. I will do whatever I need to repair this rift between us."
He sighs and rests his elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands down his face. "I am trusting you on this one, Zeph. You seem sober and healthier than I've seen you in a long time, so I hope this is you getting your life together and realizing you've fucked up."
Embarrassment floods my face, but his words aren't false, so I swallow down the feeling. "I know I've screwed up." I bury my face in my hands. "Fuck, the number of ways I've sabotaged myself feels near limitless at this point. I've only aligned myself with Himureal because I don't think I can come back from what I've done, but maybe, just maybe, if I help him get Viola back here, I can try again."
"That doesn't need to be something you worry about anymore," Loris says wryly. "She's going to come back here, Zeph. That is one thing I am certain of in all of this."
"What do you mean?"
He rubs his temples again, and Taegan reaches down to gently massage the spot where his shoulder meets his neck. Loris pats the back of his hand affectionately. "I believe Viola is in search of the other God's seeds, artifacts, whatever you want to call them. Like the Witch's Ladder that she found that gave her Winter magic."
Nodding, I lean back on the couch and toss my ankle over my knee. "Himureal thinks that's her plan. It doesn't worry him, but I think it should. He's convinced he'll be able to get Viola to fight alongside him."
Loris snorts as if that is the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. "Doubtful she'll ever agree to that."
"You'd be surprised. He's convinced she does not fear him and that he can easily sway her to support him. But I'm holding out hope. Otherwise, all that I'm doing here is for nothing."
"It is for nothing, Zeph. She's found Solarius' item."
His words stop me in my tracks, and even Taegan gapes down at him with a shocked expression. "What do you mean? How could you possibly know that?" Taegan whispers, moving from behind Loris to join me on the couch.
"When she came into possession of the Witch's Ladder, she released the magic by pulling the feathers, right?" Loris asks.
"That's the theory, yes. That the act of her using the item is what allowed her to absorb the magic Himureal cleaved from himself to create it."
Loris is on his feet now, excitedly pacing in front of us, his hands running tracks through his hair. "Right, so what if she found Solarius' item and used it? She'd absorb his magic as well."
"No way, she can't have the magic of two seasons. It would've gone to another human, I'm sure. Maybe Tulip." The idea of Tulip having magic makes me grin, picturing that slight, delicate girl throwing flames. But the image in my mind is quickly replaced by the look in her eyes as I restrained her and dragged her to the garrison. I blink several times to clear my head of that picture.
"Ah ah, that's where you're wrong, Zeph. You told me yourself she only has a fraction of Himureal's power. Which means she could, theoretically, hold fragments from the others, right? She's taken on Godly power, so her body should have adjusted to one that can hold that power. What if it can hold more?"
"Why would Himureal just let her find the fragments if that was possible?"
He throws his hands up. "It's not like this has happened before! He probably has no idea. That's why he can't know. There's no way he could allow it to stand." He looks at me with wild eyes and a massive grin on his face. "I fucking told you she was a God, Zeph. I knew it from the beginning before she even stepped foot in Ytopie. And look at her now. Your magic is stronger because the magic of the God of Summer is back. It's living in the body of the woman you're obsessed with. She more than we ever could have hoped she'd be."
Could Viola really carry the magic of Solarius within her? I must admit, my magic feels unlike it ever has. How could it feel this way if it was still waning? If this is true, that she absorbed a fragment of Solarius' magic and is replenishing Krillium with its essence, then Himureal will be furious.
His daughter of Winter is now a child of Summer.
"How do we know she didn't bring Solarius back?" I ask skeptically .
Loris waves his hand dismissively. "If she did, he'd be here, with the other Gods already. There is no way they'd stay away. No, this has to be her taking on the magic."
"I don't think it's that simple," I begin before he cuts me off.
"It is that simple, Zeph. I do not doubt that she took on that magic. If Solarius had returned, we'd know it. We'd see him. He'd be here, wrenching control from Himureal or joining him in rule."
With a sigh and a ruffle of his hair, Loris speaks quietly to me. "She's going to find the rest of them, Zeph. And when she does, when all season's magics live harmoniously inside her, do you think he will stand a chance against her?" He sits next to me on the couch, resting his hand on my knee. "Are you ready to follow the right God now? This is what's happening. Can't you feel it in your bones that this is the path we're supposed to be on? You wanted to bring the Gods back to fix the waning magic. And here she is, single-handedly bringing the magic back."
"Of course, I will follow her, Loris. She is everything to me. But how am I ever going to get her back here? How am I to get her to trust and believe in me again?" I drop my head into my hands and feel Taegan's large hand rub circles between my shoulder blades.
"Zeph," Taegan says, his voice soft and careful, "you're not a bad guy. You made some irrational and insane choices, but you can still turn this around."
"How, Taegan? How can I turn this around when I still feel like my chest is being ripped open when she is not near me?" I pull the Mistflow talisman from my pocket and rub it with my thumb. "I'm not following Himureal because I want to. I'm following him because he is the one who believes he can get her here. I have no idea where in Krillium she is. I couldn't begin to guess where she ended up, and there is no way just wandering around looking for her would work. So I have to trust that Himureal has a plan better than that. Otherwise, I would have to accept that I won't see her again, and that cannot be how this ends. Her last memory of me can't be me kidnapping her best friend."
I look at Loris, and the change in his face, the softening of his eyes, shows me he can see the tears that blur my vision. "Who am I anymore without her? I feel her absence everywhere." Tears choke my voice, my words coming out thick. "I don't want to be this way. This isn't me. But I can't see a life where she isn't in front of me."
"Mate, you know I'm worried about you. And while I don't know if Viola will ever forgive you, if she'll ever care for you romantically, I can tell you this. She never will if you continue to support Himureal." He squats down in front of me so we can speak eye to eye. "But regardless of if it's tomorrow or three months from now, she's coming. She'll be here. The question is, will you be following Himureal or her when she does?"
Loris sits back on his heels, and my tears fall. "I will follow her. But if I just refuse to help Himureal, he'll know something is up." I wipe my face. "How do I even back out of being his high priest?"
A wide grin stretches his face. "You don't have to. You just need to be very bad at your job."