30. Sienna
CHAPTER 30
SIENNA
I already know what he’s going to say before he even says it. I can tell by the look on his face, that sadness in his eyes. He can’t quite look at me properly, and I know… deep down in my gut… I know.
I guess I’ve known for weeks, but I’ve just been playing pretend. Enjoying the summer and acting like there’s nothing looming ahead of us.
But the time has come.
Zander leaves for college in six days, and I know what he’s about to do.
Sitting on my bed, I grab a pillow from behind me and nestle it on my lap, playing with the corner of the pillowcase and gnawing on my bottom lip.
“Thing is…” He sighs, running a hand through my hair. “How do I do this?”
You don’t.
You stay with me and say screw college!
You remember that perfect weekend we had at the music festival!
My mind jumps back to those three days of pure bliss. For some bizarre reason, his parents had finally been okay with us going. Maybe Zander argued for weeks to get their approval, I don’t know, but we drove off to that big field in the middle of nowhere and rocked out to a bunch of bands. Thousands of people were there, but there was only me and Zander. We laughed, we sang, we made love in our little tent.
One of the afternoons, I covered my naked body with Nerds and laughed as he licked them off, teasing me for my bad taste in candy before plunging into me with powerful thrusts that left me breathless.
We slept naked and woke up against each other—hot and sweaty. We splashed around in the creek, me in my little bikini. We even snuck into the woods and I rode him while he sat against a tree trunk telling me I was the most beautiful girl he’s ever known.
And now he’s breaking up with me.
“It’s not like I want to do this. I just think it’s for the best, you know?” He stops pacing from my closet to my bed and crouches down, begging me with a look I can’t stomach.
I grit my teeth, willing myself not to cry.
“I’m gonna be so busy at college, and I don’t want you to feel let down by me. I don’t want to hold you back either. You’re about to start your senior year, and that’s supposed to be fun and amazing. I don’t want you pining for me and feeling sad all the time.” He winces, his expression buckling as he softly murmurs, “But I don’t want to let you go either.”
“Then don’t.” I snatch his wrist when he stands up again. “Don’t let me go.”
“Sen,” he rasps, his eyes glassing as he gazes down at me. His smile is heartbreaking, and I can’t deny my tears anymore.
They bubble up inside me, and I close my eyes, letting the first few fall.
His thumb is light on my cheek as he brushes them away. “I love you,” he whispers. “I’ll always love you.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Because I…” He huffs. “Fuck! I hate that I’m about to say this, but I think our parents are right. We are young, and we haven’t experienced all life has to offer yet. If I don’t break up with you, you’re going to apply to Kelsey U whether you want to go there or not. I know that’s what you’re gonna do. Because you want to be close to me.”
“What’s so wrong with that?” I flick my hand up in the air. “I don’t even know what I want to study, so what difference does it make where I go to college?”
“You can’t make your whole life about me… just like I can’t make mine about you.” He plunks onto the edge of my bed, gathering up my hand and playing with my fingers. “We can’t be each other’s everything . We need to figure out what makes us happy outside of our relationship too. I can’t be your only dream. That won’t satisfy you long term. And I’m worried if we stay together that we’ll end up bitter and annoyed. I never want to resent you.”
It’s a punch to the stomach, and I quickly draw my hand out of his grasp.
I miss his touch instantly, but I’m also fighting the urge to kick him off my bed.
We’re not his parents! What the hell?
Here I am, brought to life by this guy, and he’s feeling like we’re weighing each other down. Holding each other back.
“I didn’t realize we were such a burden to each other,” I mutter.
“Sen, I didn’t mean it that way.”
“No, it’s okay. I get it. You want to go off and be an adult. You don’t want to be tied down by some immature high school girl, right?”
“Please, don’t take it like that. I’m setting us both free.”
I gape at him. It’s impossible to hide my hurt, and I can see he instantly regrets the way he just worded that.
Tears scorch my eyes again, my heart pounding like a bass drum as I throw my pillow at him, jumping off the bed and yelling, “I don’t feel caged! I’m not trapped in this thing the way you so obviously are!” Storming to my door, I fling it open and growl, “You want to be free? Then go! Leave! Do whatever the fuck you want!”
“Sienna.” My words are hurting him, and I hate that broken look on his face right now, but can’t he see how much this is killing me?
My stomach jerks and rumbles as I try to fight the sobs threatening to punch out of me. “I love you,” I whimper, covering my mouth with my hand and muffling my words. “I’ll only ever love you.”
His expression folds as he stands up, rushing over to me and gathering me in his arms. “Then you don’t have anything to worry about. Because if we’re meant to be, we’re gonna happen. I’m just asking for a time-out so I can focus on my first year at Kelsey U and you can focus on having the best senior year.”
My fingers curl into his shirt, and I sniff against his shoulder.
“I need to make football my priority right now. We’ll have a clean break to start, really give us a chance to get on with our lives, and then once the season’s over…we can reassess. I’m not trying to break your heart, Sienna. I love you, okay?” Leaning back, he holds my face in his hands and silently begs me to believe him. “I love you. You’re my girl.”
“Not if you break up with me.”
He swears under his breath, resting his forehead against mine. “I’m trying to do the right thing here. For both of us.”
Letting go of his shirt, I sniff again, feeling this odd numbness travel over me. He’s not going to change his mind. I can feel it. There’s nothing I can say or do to make him bend.
This is over.
For a season or a year or forever, I don’t know.
But for now… we’re done.
I stand there in that knowledge for I don’t know how long, fighting tears and whimpering quietly against the door. He holds my face, brushing his thumbs along my cheekbones and not saying a damn thing.
It takes everything in me to finally find the strength to push him away.
I gently nudge him back, crossing my arms and shrinking away from him. “You should go.”
“Sen—”
“It’s time for you to go.” I nod, then sniff again. “Go.”
“Please, I don’t want to?—”
“Go, Zander! Just go!”
He jerks away from my sudden scream, blinking at me like I’ve lost my mind before stumbling away from me.
I squeeze my arms until I can feel my nails digging into my skin, leaving sharp indents that hurt. But I can’t let up.
After a beat of unbearable silence, Zander finally shows a little mercy and walks out of my room.
As soon as I hear the front door shut downstairs, I run to my bed, fling myself onto it, and let those gut-wrenching sobs break free.