Chapter 32
T hey couldn’t get too close to the orchard. The trees still sizzled with live coals and ash, the acrid smell of smoke hung heavy in the air.
“All your beautiful trees,” Esther said.
They hadn’t been beautiful to most people, but Celeste thought Esther understood. They had been beautiful to her because they represented a fresh start. Now, as with everything else in her life, they’d been destroyed. She folded herself carefully to the cool earth and surveyed the damage, telling herself her eyes watered because of the smoke. Certainly not because she was grieving for fruit trees.
“It’s so sad,” Esther said, sitting gently beside her.
They were silent a few moments, and it was nice, almost like an homage to the nature that had been lost. In any case, it eased some of the ache in Celeste’s chest to have someone share and understand her misery. She took a breath and let it out slowly.
Esther turned to face her, tipping her head as she made a study of Celeste’s features. “I’m not great at intuiting people’s emotions, so tell me if I’m wrong, but you seem sad about something more than the trees. And I don’t think it’s the guy you’ve shot, given your job history.”
“I told Sam about my past. My real name. Basically everything that’s not classified.” She rested her chin on her knees.
Esther paused thoughtfully again, digesting. She seemed to be trying hard to think before she spoke, to not blurt the first thing that came to mind. Celeste wondered if that was Leo’s influence. He’d always been diplomatic that way. “How did he take it?”
“I don’t know. We were interrupted by…” she gestured to the sad remains of her orchard.
“Oh,” Esther said, facing forward. Now she rested her chin on her knees.
“How’s married life?” Celeste asked.
“I spent a long time searching for the right word, only to discover it didn’t exist in English. So I found it in Balinese: Ramé . It means both chaotic and joyful.”
“And how did your parents take it?”
“Shockingly well,” Esther said. “It turns out they weren’t as into all the rules for our marriage as I thought they were. In fact when I told them we were already married, they were relieved. The stress of wedding planning was getting to them. They told all my hundreds of kinfolk we eloped, and that was that.” She dusted her hands together to demonstrate and then faced Celeste. “Which brings me back to you. Sometimes people surprise us. They don’t fit in the boxes we’ve created for them; they don’t react the way we think they’re going to. I’m not an expert, but I really think Sam cares about you. Give him a little time and space to adjust to the surplus of new information, and I bet he’ll come around, too.”
“I hope so,” Celeste said.
“But also, either way you’ll be okay. Platitudes and feel good sayings aren’t my comfort zone; raw truth is. And that’s the raw truth, Celeste. No matter what happens, you’re going to be all right. You’re healing and growing. I can see the changes in the short time I’ve known you. This life you’re creating, it’s going to be amazing, with or without the cute boy with the big brown eyes.” She reached over and squeezed Celeste’s shoulders and, despite everything, Celeste believed her. She even managed to laugh.
“You still notice cuteness, even after you’re happily married?”
“It took twenty four years for me to notice men. I don’t think that switch can ever be flipped back off again,” Esther mused.
“Believe me, it can,” Celeste replied. She hadn’t allowed herself to get close to a man or be interested in one the last fifteen years. But Esther was right, with or without Sam she would continue to heal. Just because she wanted it to be with didn’t mean she wouldn’t eventually move on.
Esther moved closer and slipped her arm around Celeste’s shoulders. “I brought you some cookies.”
Celeste laughed. “How did you have time to make cookies before a mission?”
“I already had them at work,” Esther replied. “When I heard we were coming here, I scooped them out of the break room and back into their container. Maggie was not thrilled. She gave me a five minute lecture on the effects of oatmeal on lactation, until I opened up the container and gave her two.”
“Maggie is Ridge’s wife?” Celeste asked.
“Sam didn’t tell you?” Esther said.
“Why would Sam tell…oh. Maggie’s the girl from his life before.”
Esther pressed her lips together, looking miserable. “I have got to stop telling you things.”
“No, you don’t,” Celeste said, resting her head on Esther’s shoulder. “I like you exactly as you are, Esther. Please don’t ever change or think you need to.”
“You sound like Leo,” Esther said fondly. “You two might be the only ones who don’t get offended by my incessant blurting.”
“That’s what makes us the best,” Celeste said.
“Absolutely,” Esther agreed, giving her shoulders another squeeze.
They chatted about nothing at all until Leo came for them. “I think we’re finished. How are you two holding up?”
“Better, if I could keep her,” Celeste said.
“Sorry, she’s too vital, both to the country and to me personally,” Leo said, sitting on Esther’s other side. “It’s nice here, Celeste. Peaceful.”
“Charred,” Celeste noted, staring at the ruined remains of her twisted trees.
“Sometimes the best things come after a fire,” Leo said
“That’s pretty deep talk for a guy I once saw race a fifteen year old across the Nile,” Celeste said.
“Oh, man, don’t remind me. I got a parasite from that. But I had a pretty massive soul-scorching fire of my own. And look at me now.” He bumped Esther’s shoulder lightly with his.
“You look pretty great,” Celeste agreed. “Both of you.”
They sat in peaceful silence a few minutes until someone else joined them. Celeste’s heart gave a little flop, but when she turned she saw Cameron Ridge. “Celeste, could I talk with you before we leave?”
“Yes, sir,” she agreed. Neither of them was in the military anymore, but old habits died hard. She stood and dusted her backside, following him down the short rise to the steps of her house. There was no sign of Sam. Celeste didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.
“Sorry we missed the party. Thanks for letting us crash for a bit,” Ridge said.
“It’s no problem. You’re welcome to stay, if that’s easier.”
“Thank you, but I need to get back, both to work and to my wife and son.” He picked up a pine needle and twirled it between his thumb and finger. “You probably don’t remember, it was so long ago, but we met once before.”
“I do remember. It was sort of momentous,” Celeste said.
“For us, too. I didn’t realize it was you at first, with the name change and all. I didn’t know you’d changed your name. All this time, you’ve been the famed Celeste The Colonel kept talking about.”
“The Colonel talks about me?”
“A lot. You’re one of his favorites, and with good reason. I knew you had something special that night long ago. That’s why I called him.”
She blinked at him, unable to translate what she was hearing. “You. You called The Colonel about me? I thought my commanding officer called him because I was in trouble. I thought you were mad at me.”
“I was mad at myself. There we were, an elite SEAL unit, and an eighteen-year-old kid fresh out of basic snagged our haul. And took down the insurgent. It was humiliating, and also kind of awesome. All my men fell a little bit in love with you that night. I had to put the kibosh on any interest before it could take root or they would have ended in a fistfight.”
“I thought you wanted to get rid of me because you were mad, because I was such a pest.” She had run away with her tail between her legs, filled with shame as usual, certain he had been able to see her for the nothing she was.
“Are you joking? If my men hadn’t had their tongues lolling, I probably would have hit on you myself. I’m a happily married man now, but you’re a legend, girl. In fact I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you, making casual conversation. Ethan’s going to flip.”
Celeste stared straight ahead, dazed. She had worn her shame like a shield, certain the first thing people saw about her was that unwanted, untrained, unskilled little girl. But what if that wasn’t true? What if it had never been true? And what if the thing people saw in her was the truth? What if she was actually worthwhile, warts and all? What if she was working so hard to become perfect for nothing because she already had value as she was?
“Anyway, I wanted to touch base and thank you for the help all those years ago. You saved us a heap of work.”
She shook her head to clear it, making herself focus on the moment. “No, sir, thank you. I don’t think it’s hyperbolic to say you changed my life that night. If not for your intervention in contacting The Colonel…well, things likely would have turned out much different.”
“I tend to think things turn out exactly as they’re meant to, so you never know. If he hadn’t heard about you through me, I’m certain someone else would have mentioned. The Colonel has an eye for talent and potential, and you had it in spades. And from what I’ve heard over the years, you lived up to and then exceeded every estimate.”
“Thank you, sir. That’s very kind.”
He stood and glanced uncertainly toward the house with a slight nod of his head. “Do me a favor and keep an eye on that one. Like it or not, I have a vested interest in his wellbeing.”
“Me, too,” she said, and he laughed.
“Good day, Sergeant Major.”
“Good day, sir,” she said, standing. She waved to Leo and Esther as they headed to join Ridge at the helicopter, waiting on the porch until they were gone, and then she turned and went inside her house.