Chapter 11
‘Ada, I’m freaking out!’ Milly screeched as she paced her room. From down below she heard a splash and looked out of the window to see Theo swimming in the canal. ‘I’m really, really freaking out.’
Over the crackly phone line, Ada giggled, and Milly moved away from the window.
She wouldn’t be able to concentrate on her call if she was too busy watching Theo swim and she needed to pay attention.
She was having a full-on existential crisis here.
She moved to the bed and collapsed onto it.
Her glasses twisted, pressing uncomfortably into her face as she lay on the pillow, and she adjusted her position to get a little more comfortable.
Before she’d called she’d lit a candle and changed into her favourite pyjamas.
She’d also opened the window and was enjoying the cool evening breeze as it fluttered over her skin, but all the gratitude and wellbeing that was normally the focus here was nowhere to be seen.
It had been two days since her afternoon with Theo at Reffen and her trip to the Happiness Museum and since then she’d been unable to concentrate, her mind swirling around like her thoughts were floating on custard.
To try and stay focused, she’d posted a few videos of her own, centring on sharing her followers’ successes and had even included some more personal ones of her own, sharing her love of Copenhagen and how much she herself was learning there.
She was pleased to note that people were responding to them, and she was edging further towards the half a million mark.
While her lovely online community had proved something of a calming anchor among the rest of her crazy thoughts, she hadn’t been able to shake that she really didn’t want to go home.
On their way back from Reffen she had thought about it.
As they’d stood on the water bus across the canal, she thought about telling Theo how she was feeling, or at least hinting at how much she was loving Copenhagen and working on the café, but she hadn’t been able to find the words.
Instead, she’d filmed a video, following the boats gently gliding across the water.
While she had, Theo had softly rested his hands on her waist to steady her and as soon as she’d felt them it was like they were pieces in the jigsaw of her that had slotted into place, completing the picture.
As soon as she’d lowered her phone, his hands had fallen away and neither of them had looked at the other, keeping their eyes on the city as it approached and on the other boats passing in the water.
Though the line crackled, she could hear Ada loud and clear. ‘Why are you freaking out? Because you’ve got the hots for my hottie of a roommate?’
‘Yes!’
‘Ha! I knew you did!’ Ada’s voice was high and squeaky.
‘But it’s not only that it’s – it’s—’ Milly grabbed a handful of hair dramatically. ‘It’s everything!’
Ada suddenly became calm and serious. ‘Talk me through it.’
At the start of the call, before Ada had uttered the words ‘How’s things with you?
’ she had explained that she was currently cosied up back at base camp (she really did always say the coolest things) in a tent, wrapped up against the cold.
She’d soon be eating with her teammates but had time to chat to her bestie.
Milly had made sure to ask how things were going first, knowing that her own crisis was going to take a while.
She never, ever wanted to be the sort of friend who never asked questions of the other person, or always prioritised her own stuff above everyone else’s.
‘So, I went to the Happiness Museum the other day and—’
‘Ah, I see.’
Milly paused. ‘What do you mean, “Ah, I see”?’
‘I mean the exact same thing happened to me.’
‘Explain.’ Milly pushed herself up and perched on the end of the bed.
‘Do you remember the first time I came here? I was so burnt out, I knew I couldn’t go on as I was, but I didn’t know what to do.
So while I was here on that last-minute, long weekend I’d booked just to clear my head, I went to the Happiness Museum and that’s when I decided to move here permanently – or at least recentre myself here as a base – quit my job and retrain as a wildlife photographer, doing something that actually made me happy. ’
‘Not much then. Why didn’t I know this before?’
‘Well, mainly because it sounded a bit crazy? But that’s how it all happened for me, internally at least, but for ages, I wasn’t quite as clear about it externally.
It still felt like a huge step – too huge.
But I’m guessing you went there, started thinking about what actually makes you happy and now you’re all torn up because you don’t really know what that is or what you can do about it. ’
She’d hit the nail on the head. ‘Umm, yes something like that.’
‘Exactly that.’
Milly got up and began to pace, finding herself at the window once more.
Would she be feeling this way if Theo weren’t so attractive?
She took a moment to think it through and decided that she would.
If Theo had been an old man with wrinkles and grey hair, she’d still love what she was doing in helping reinvigorate the café, much more than the work she did back home, and that was reassuring.
At least it meant she wasn’t being swept away by lust and longing.
‘Wait, was that when you made that weird list of all the things that made you happy?’ Milly asked.
‘Yep. Do you remember we spent a whole evening talking about it? Tom was there and kept making stupid comments.’
‘Oh God, yeah. I wasn’t impressed with him that night. Not at all.’
She hadn’t been happy about the snide remarks he’d made afterwards either, saying Ada was throwing her career away, and he’d carried on like that even up to the point when she finally moved.
Milly had argued then it was more important to be happy than successful, but she’d been too settled in her secure little life to take her own advice.
She heard Ada shift and could picture her rolling onto her back to keep talking more comfortably. They’d tried a video call, but the connection had been too dodgy and after both of them freezing in weird positions, gurning at each other unattractively, they’d opted for a phone call instead.
‘Speaking of Tom,’ Ada said. ‘How are you feeling about him and the break-up?’
‘Honestly? Nothing.’
‘Like numb nothing or over-it nothing?’
‘Over-it nothing and I know I shouldn’t be as we were together for such a long time and I wonder …’
‘What?’
‘I wonder if I’d fallen into the trap of settling with someone who wasn’t really right for me just because it was comfortable and familiar and he felt … safe.’
There was a moment’s silence as they both considered this. Milly toyed with her hair, running it around her fingertips. If she were honest, she’d done that with most of the things in her life, her job, her flat. All the things that constituted her existence and it felt … sad.
‘So you really are over him?’
‘I’m sure I am.’
Ada’s voice brightened. ‘Good. You were always too good for him.’
Milly grinned, grateful to have such an amazing friend in her life. Everyone needed besties like this. ‘So anyway, back to you. I need to know more.’
‘So after that, after we’d made the list when I was back home, I felt like I could actually start making changes and that’s when I told you about my mad crazy idea and like the good friend you are, you supported me. Now it’s my turn.’
‘So should I do the same? Make a list I mean.’
‘I think it’s a good place to start, don’t you?
And if you can, try not to think about location.
I know you’re loving being in Copenhagen and I love it too but …
don’t think about geography. Think about all the things that make you happy.
Then when you’ve covered everything from personal, private, professional and all your dreams and aspirations, we can talk again. ’
‘That’s very good advice. I wish I could see your face though,’ Milly said.
‘Me too. We have cool phones that look like giant Eighties ones, and the signal isn’t so bad here at camp. It’s worse in the hills, but I think there’s a storm coming that’s affecting the signal.’
‘Have you seen any foxes yet?’
Her voice bubbled with excitement. ‘I got some photos the other day. They’re absolutely beautiful, Milly. I couldn’t stop smiling. It made me want one as a pet.’
‘I’m not sure Theo would be on board with that. But I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Not sure I’d want to freeze my bits off in that much snow and ice, but that’s just me.’
‘No, you like the warmth of the café and Theo’s big, strong arms—’
‘Stop it!’
She giggled again. ‘Wait till you experience winter in Copenhagen, then you’ll know exactly what snow and ice feel like. It’s nothing like we get in England.’
‘I won’t be here then.’ The words stuck in Milly’s throat and sounded thick as she pushed them out. It was the second time saying that in as many days, and the same feeling of dread settled over her heart.
‘We’ll see about that,’ Ada said softly. ‘And don’t forget life isn’t about things and possessions. It’s about feelings and experiences. So keep that at the front of your mind as you make your list.’
‘Okay, I will. I’ll report back soon.’
‘Love you!’
‘Love you too.’
Milly signed off and after another glance out of the window to see Theo towelling himself dry after his swim, his strong arms and torso moving with the effort, she shuffled back to the bed, grabbed a notepad and pen (because it felt much better than using the notes app on her phone) and began to write.