Chapter 19 Anna
Anna
The rotting face in the mirror stares through me, blinded by larvae. Flies buzz, but when I look for them, they’re only in the mirror, crawling around a corner of her lips and into one ear.
The-face-that-isn’t-my-face wasn’t like this earlier—it was whole and living, and practically comforting compared to this decaying monster.
That’s very anthropocentric of you. Julian’s voice comes into my head, but facing this thing in the mirror, it occurs to me maybe he doesn’t get the full weight of what he’s saying sometimes.
I don’t want to love the flies, and maggots, and mould; I want them to go away, and give me back the-face-that-isn’t-my-face, and then I want that to go away too.
Reading the notebook has set off something I can’t control, and I think picking it up again is what did this to the-face-that’s-isn’t-my-face.
During the parachute experiment at school, Mr Bunting taught us you only change one variable at a time, either the weight or the parachute size.
Never both together, or your results will be meaningless.
I’m the only variable in this experiment. I caused this.
Screw whatever’s going on with Julian, I can’t do this on my own anymore.
I need help—actual proper help. I need to talk to Maddie.
I sneak over to my desk and turn my phone on.
I daren’t turn my back on the thing in the mirror, and my eyes flick between it and the door as the Apple logo comes and goes, and the apps flash to life.
I’ll try Instagram. She’s always on there late, she likes watching cake-decorating time lapses before bed, says it helps her sleep.
hey
She loves the message and writes back instantly: hey anna-nanna-nana!! I missed u 2day!!!
Maybe it’s genuine sweetness, maybe it’s guilt ’cause something happened between her and Julian. In light of the notebook, it doesn’t really matter. The thing in the mirror is hard to look away from, but I can’t start there. Sux I couldn’t b ther—looks like u had fun
yea Julians dads a lot though isn he?? Like. Dont need to b told the worlds ending on repeat 4 an hour. honestly hav sum positivity bruv
haha!!! Look Mads ive had a weird day like she’s run the conversation over so many times she knows how it’s going to go; like there’s a leviathan under the waves of our life that she’s always known about, but I’ve never noticed before.
‘I should’ve burned that notebook. I knew I should, but I couldn’t bring myself to, it was my only way back into what happened, and I had to keep track of all the fibs, you see…
’ She looks at me. Her eyes are dry, but that’s worse than if she was crying.
‘I planned for you to be older when I told you—if I ever did tell you. I was hoping we’d have more time. ’
The back of my neck prickles, as if we’re on a precipice she knows we have to jump off.
It suddenly washes over me: She’s not sad because I found the notebook.
It’s because she knows how far we’ve got to fall and that she’s going to have to hold my hand the whole way.
She’s known for years we’re on this cliff edge, and she’s been putting off showing it to me.
There’s things I can do to make this easier on her though.
I can look down into the precipice with her and not kick up a fuss that we’ve got to jump, not scream all the way down, just accept that this is the way things are and hope the impact doesn’t break us.
I emerge from the duvet and sit up, cross-legged in my pyjamas.
We look at each other. The only way out is through.
‘Tell me.’