Chapter Three
‘You’re never going to let me win, are you?’
‘You’d hate it if I did,’ Cassie said as she slipped her racket into its case.
It was Sunday morning and she and Ben had just finished playing a game of tennis.
Neither of them had played for some years before moving to Hope Hall, but now they tried to squeeze in a game most weekends.
By her own admission, Cassie was a poor loser and probably more competitive than she ought to be, but it wasn’t in her DNA to go easy on an opponent.
Even if it was a game of Christmas Day charades with her family, she played to win and was not always a generous team player if she found herself on the losing side.
‘You mean you’d hate to lose,’ Ben said, using a small towel to wipe the sweat from his face.
Keeping her expression deadpan, she said, ‘I wouldn’t know, it’s never happened.’
‘Hah! Nina beat you the last time the two of you played.’
Cassie laughed. ‘Only just. And anyway, she has the advantage in that her legs are twice as long as mine.’
‘My legs are longer than yours, but you still thrash me.’
‘Aw babe,’ she said, leaning in to kiss him, ‘are you hurting?’
‘No,’ he said with an exaggerated pout, ‘I’m sulking.’
‘You never sulk, that’s much more my style. Come on, let’s go and have a shower together and I’ll find a way to make you feel better.’
‘That’s low, trying to appease me by offering your body.’
‘Was that what I was doing?’ she said, pressing herself against him provocatively.
He kissed her. ‘God, I certainly hope so.’ Then taking her hand in his – Ben loved to hold hands with her, no matter where they were or what they were doing – he led them off the court.
They hadn’t gone far when Cassie spotted two neighbours approaching.
They were dressed in pristine Lululemon tennis whites with large racket bags slung over their shoulders and carrying matching drinks containers.
They looked for all the world as though they were about to play on Centre Court at Wimbledon in a veterans match.
‘Uh-oh,’ Cassie said in a low voice, ‘incoming Enforcers.’
‘Play nicely,’ Ben murmured.
‘Don’t I always?’ she said. ‘Hi there!’ she called out, cranking up her inner dial to maximum cheerfulness and all too aware that Ben knew just how two-faced she was being.
She’d nicknamed Cheryl Saunders and Joanna Adams the Enforcers because, together with their husbands, they had taken on the running of the residents’ committee and took it very seriously.
Both couples were retired and in their late sixties and while Cassie was only too relieved she hadn’t been pressganged into having to take on any of the roles, such as chairperson, secretary, or finance officer, she couldn’t help but feel the two women relished their roles a little too zealously.
They were constantly sending out emails reminding residents of the various rules they were all meant to abide by, like no excessive noise in the public areas after ten o’clock at night, no rubbish bags left by the wheelie bins, no taking of another resident’s parking space and definitely no smoking in any of the inside communal areas.
None of which Cassie would dream of doing, but these two women made her want to revert to being a bolshy adolescent and break every rule in the book.
Cheryl, the taller of the two women and with a face that was unnaturally taut and smooth, greeted Cassie and Ben with a quick hello before saying, ‘Have you heard that the new owner of the apartment below yours will be moving in next Friday?’
‘That’s news to us, isn’t it?’ Cassie said, turning to Ben.
‘Any idea who’s bought the place?’ he asked.
‘According to the management company, it’s a woman moving here from Essex.’
‘She’s getting on a bit, so she shouldn’t be any trouble and hopefully will fit in nicely,’ piped up Joanna, adding, ‘unlike the previous owner who never made any effort to fit in, did he?’
‘Only because he was hardly ever here,’ Cassie said.
Selfishly, she had enjoyed the owner travelling the world with his work and using the apartment below theirs as a base rather than a home; it meant for the most part it was quiet.
There had also been the bonus of being able to use his allotted parking spaces when they had guests.
‘I thought it would be a nice touch to throw a drinks party to welcome the new neighbour to our little bit of paradise,’ Cheryl said. ‘I’ll send out an email and we can settle on a date for when everyone will be around. If the weather’s as good as it is now, we can be outside.’
‘Why not make it a barbecue?’
Cheryl shook her head as though Cassie had suggested they host a lap-dancing party. ‘Oh, I don’t think that’s the sort of thing an old lady would enjoy, do you?’
‘Which rather depends on what kind of old lady the new owner turns out to be,’ said Cassie later that evening to Nina.
With Ben out for his regular basketball evening at the Hills Road Sports Centre in town, and which doubtless would end with him arriving home and heading straight for the shower while leaving his sports bag just where she’d trip over it, Cassie had invited Nina to join her for a drink on the roof garden and had quickly brought her up to speed on the latest from the Enforcers.
‘I’m half hoping she’ll turn out to be a wild rebel,’ Cassie said. ‘Or better still, one of those upper class born-to-rule types who will run rings around Cheryl and Joanna.’
Nina smiled. ‘Be careful what you wish for; warring neighbours wouldn’t be much fun.’
‘I don’t want an all-out war, but you have to admit, a couple of small battles just to take the Enforcers down a peg or two would be very satisfying.’
‘Why don’t you do that?’
‘Because I’m all bluster and no substance, you know how shallow I am. I just witter on about things and never do anything about it. Look how I constantly complain about Emily’s father, but what do I do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.’
‘That’s because you know it’s the right thing to do.’
‘Yeah, that’s what Ben says. Keep the peace, blah, blah, play nicely, blah, blah. But it’s such a strain when all the time I’m longing to let rip and scream my head off with every known obscenity. Don’t you ever feel like that?’
It was a few moments before Nina responded. ‘Yes,’ she said after taking a sip of her wine, ‘about a hundred times a day.’
‘Really?’
‘You sound surprised.’
‘I am. You always seem so measured and self-possessed.’
‘And in one simple sentence you make me sound so dull.’
Cassie grimaced. ‘You know I didn’t mean it that way. I meant that I’m the irrational one and you’re the opposite, you’re totally logical and—’
‘And there you go again,’ Nina cut in with a small smile, ‘making me sound hideously boring.’
‘Okay, so tell me what makes you want to scream and shout.’ As soon as the words had left Cassie’s lips, she realised the insensitivity of her question.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quickly, ‘just ignore me and my big mouth.’
‘It’s okay, there’s no need to apologise, but yes, Hugh’s death still makes me want to scream and shout at the unfairness of life. Or more accurately, the indiscriminate taking away of a life.’
‘What do you do when you feel like that?’
‘In the early stages I cried a lot. Obviously. But then when I became sick of having puffy bloodshot eyes, I took up running, something Hugh was always encouraging me to do with him, but I never did. Now, not only does it act as a release when I push myself to punishing point, but I feel connected to him.’
‘Maybe I should start running to sort out my mood swings as well as help me lose weight. You wouldn’t believe it, but I’m supposed to be on a detox regime, and just look at me guzzling wine and scoffing salted almonds.
’ She slid the dish of nuts closer to Nina as though that would stop her from reaching for any more.
‘You really don’t need to lose weight,’ Nina said, ‘you’re perfect as you are.’
‘You say the sweetest things.’
‘But seriously,’ Nina went on, ‘you’re welcome to join me for a run some time.’
Cassie puffed out her cheeks and shook her head. ‘I doubt I’d be able to keep up with you. Anyway, you run at crazy o’clock in the morning when I’m still lounging around in my PJs with my first cup of coffee of the day.’
Nina smiled. ‘I’ve always been an early riser, even more so when I have something on my mind.’
Recalling Ben saying how early he’d seen Nina coming back from her run that morning, she said, ‘Was that why you were running at the crack of dawn today?’
An eyebrow raised, Nina said, ‘Keeping tabs on me?’
‘Not at all, but Ben saw you.’
When Nina didn’t say anything, but stared off into the distance, Cassie apologised again. ‘Sorry, I’m blundering in, just tell me to mind my own business. But I’d like to think that if you ever needed someone to talk to, you’d know you could come to me.’
Turning her head to look at Cassie, a frown creasing her brow, Nina said, ‘I received a letter yesterday which I knew would come one day, but I have no idea how to respond to it, and I know I must. I can’t put it off forever.’
Telling herself to tread carefully, Cassie said, ‘It’s a long shot, but is it anything I can help you with?’
‘Not really. I must make a decision which only I can do. It’s a decision which depending on what I decide, will either change my life completely or be something I might always regret.’
‘Well, I’m here for you if you need to talk it through. I know you have family you can turn to, and other friends you’ve known for a lot longer than you’ve known me, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone who’s outside of your immediate social circle.’
‘That’s very true,’ said Nina, ‘but I don’t think any amount of talking it through will help.
You see, Hugh and I planned to have children, but we had problems conceiving and that led to us going down the IVF route.
Then before we were successful, Hugh died, and now the clinic is asking me what I want to do with the embryos which are still being stored. ’
‘What are the options?’
‘Do I give my permission for the embryos to be destroyed or donated to another couple, or do I give IVF another go before it’s too late? As you know, I turned forty-three earlier in the year, so time is against me. Basically, it’s now or never.’
Wow, thought Cassie, that really was a hell of a decision to make. ‘What are you leaning towards?’ she asked, reaching across the table to top up Nina’s glass.
‘Part of me wants to have Hugh’s child, to have that ultimate connection with the man I loved, but the thought of doing it alone terrifies me. Selfishly, I want to move forward with my life, to be the old me, or even a new and improved me.’
‘And a baby would stop you doing that?’
‘I don’t know is the honest answer. It would keep me tied to the past in so many ways, and would it be fair to a child to bring it into the world this way without a father? Wouldn’t it be selfish of me to do that?’
‘Most parents have children out of selfish need,’ said Cassie. ‘It’s the most natural thing in the world.’
Nina tutted. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘that was tactless. You brought up your daughter on your own, didn’t you?’
Cassie nodded. ‘Until she was ten, and then I met Ben who became a brilliant father to her. I never thought anyone would take me on with a young child, but he did. The same could happen to you.’
For the longest moment, Nina’s gaze became fixed on a kite wheeling overhead in the cloudless sky, its wings outstretched.
Dusk had yet to materialise, and it seemed to Cassie that it felt like one of those lovely June evenings that would never end.
Then with a slight turn of her head to look at Cassie, Nina said, ‘What would you do if you were in my shoes?’
Unsure how to answer such a precariously loaded question, Cassie hesitated, but before she could formulate a reply, Nina said, ‘Is there a reason why you and Ben haven’t had a child together?’
Of all the conversations they’d had since knowing one another, this was the most personal.
She and Ben had of course discussed whether having a child was something they both desired, and wanting to be entirely honest with him, Cassie had forced herself to tell him what a terrifying time it had been for her when Emily had been a baby, especially after Drew had left them.
She’d had her parents’ support, but most of the time she had been so sleep-deprived she’d thought she would lose her mind.
The exhaustion had been crippling, physically and mentally.
It had been the interminable feeding and rocking Emily to sleep that had nearly broken her.
For hours and hours, she had stood rocking the fractious bundle in her arms, standing just inches away from the cot in the hope that any minute, Emily’s relentlessly angry cries would subside, and Cassie would finally be able to lower her down, oh-so gently, and Emily would sleep.
But Emily had the ability to sense the second Cassie even so much as contemplated placing her in the cot and the squalling would start all over again and with the volume increased.
Added to this was the constant pain Cassie was in, with nipples cracked and sore and her breasts feeling like they were on fire.
Yes, it all passed eventually, and in the end every minute of the nightmare was worth it because she loved her daughter so much.
But how could she ever let Ben see her like that, at her very worst?
She’d told him everything, even crying as the memories had come flooding back, and he’d said he never wanted to make her do anything she wasn’t one hundred per cent happy doing.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Nina when Cassie hadn’t answered her question. ‘I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that.’
‘Oh, don’t be sorry,’ Cassie said more lightly than she felt.
‘It’s all in the past. Besides, Ben has his work cut out with me, I’m the biggest kid going; there isn’t room for another one in our relationship!
’ She laughed, trying not to think of the occasional doubt she experienced that maybe she had selfishly denied Ben the joy of being a real father to his own child.