Chapter Nine
The following afternoon and while Jakob was delivering a painting to a client over in Newmarket, Nina was deciding which picture to put in its place on the wall.
She had her back to the door when she heard it open and turning around, she was surprised to see Keith walk in.
‘I was just passing and thought I’d call in,’ he said. He looked and sounded as awkward as she suddenly felt.
‘That’s nice,’ she said. ‘Time for a coffee?’
‘Only if it’s not an inconvenience to you.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ she said. Leaving him to browse she scooted off to the kitchen and set the machine working.
In less than a couple of minutes, she returned with two mugs of coffee and found Keith standing in front of a still life by Charles Perron, his expression thoughtful as though he were deep in thought.
‘Your coffee,’ she said quietly.
Barely taking his gaze away from the painting, he took the mug she offered him.
‘Nina,’ he said, still not looking her directly in the eye, ‘I know that you saw me last night down by the river, and I know what you’re probably thinking. But it’s not like that.’
‘I didn’t think you’d seen me,’ she said, deciding to dispense with any attempt to pretend she didn’t know what he was talking about.
‘Just fleetingly, enough though to see the look on your face as you hurried away.’
‘Would you have preferred that I stayed and said hello?’
Now he did turn to look at her. ‘Can I be honest with you?’
‘Are you sure you want to be?’
He smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘Then let’s sit down, shall we?’ She pointed to the comfortable chairs grouped around a coffee table and while he sat, she flipped the door sign from Open to Closed.
‘I met Diane through an online bereavement group,’ he said when she was seated next to him.
‘She lost her daughter roughly the same time we lost Hugh, so she understands. We started by messaging each other, but then we decided to meet up. We share things that Hilary refuses to let me share with her. It helps. It helps a lot. We can even cry together, something I don’t feel able to do with Hilary. ’
‘Is Diane married?’ Nina asked. As though that made any difference.
‘No. She’s been on her own for some years. We’re just friends. There’s nothing else going on.’
Remembering what she’d witnessed last night, the tender way Keith’s hand had touched the woman’s back, the smiles they’d exchanged, and the kiss on her cheek, Nina wondered if he was kidding himself, rather than actually lying to her.
‘I can talk about Hugh with Diane without worrying,’ he went on, ‘that I’m going to say the wrong thing and cause a massive scene.
You know yourself that Hilary’s not entirely rational these days.
The way she spoke to you last Monday, it was just awful.
I admire your self-control; I really don’t know how you didn’t let rip at her. ’
‘I think that you had that pretty much covered.’
He sighed. ‘I’m not proud of my outburst. I shouldn’t have done that in front of you. I could see how uncomfortable it made you feel.’
‘I was uncomfortable already.’
‘You know,’ he said after a short pause, ‘if you ever want to stop our Monday evening get-togethers, you can. Although I’d miss seeing you.’
She put down her mug and placed a hand over his. ‘I’d miss you too, Keith.’
‘But you’re entitled to live your life the way you choose. You mustn’t allow Hilary to bully you into doing anything you don’t want to.’
‘Are you talking specifically about me having another go at IVF?’
‘Yes, but not just that. You’re young and beautiful and you deserve to meet somebody special who will cherish you. Just as Hugh did.’
She was silent for a few seconds. ‘I wish it was as easy as that.’
‘But it could be. You owe it to yourself to let go of Hugh.’
‘But I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to forget him. How could you even suggest I do?’
‘Oh, darling girl, I’m not. But what I’ve come to realise is that the depth of real love you feel for another person cannot ever be destroyed by death alone.’
‘Is that what you’ve learnt from sharing your grief with Diane?’
‘Yes. As I said before, I can talk about Hugh with her without fear of the consequences. I can talk about the good times, relive the days when Hugh was a child, and all the things he did that made me so proud of him.’
‘I’m glad you’re able to do that,’ she said. She meant it, too.
‘Now the question I want to ask you is this,’ he said. ‘Do you have anyone with whom you can share your real feelings?’
‘I did try an online bereavement group, but it didn’t help, in fact it made me feel worse listening to everybody else’s grief. Which is not very generous of me, I know.’
‘I understand exactly what you mean, I felt that too initially. But then Diane and I made a connection and we decided to slip away from the group, or rather form our own self-help group, just the two of us.’
‘Does she live in Cambridge?’
‘No. Ely.’
‘Do you go and meet her there?’
‘Usually that’s where we meet up, but yesterday she came here. I knew it was a risk, that our friendship could be misconstrued, but I suppose a part of me didn’t care. What did it matter?’
‘Yet here you are, feeling the need to explain yourself,’ Nina said.
‘But only because I wanted you to know the truth of what you saw.’
‘I think the truth is, it’s more than just friendship which you have with this woman, isn’t it?’
He blinked and then smiled hesitantly. ‘Maybe.’
‘And what does that mean in the long term?’
‘I have no idea. It seems too cruel to leave Hilary when she’s still so consumed by her grief for Hugh. I’m worried how it would affect her. And I’m all too aware that if she knew how I was currently conducting myself, it would have just as grave an effect on her.’
‘But you can’t put your life on hold forever,’ Nina said.
‘I agree, especially at my age. I’ll be seventy-two next year so I’m more than aware that I need to make the most of what’s left to me.
But, Nina, the same goes for you. You owe it to yourself to move on.
There, I’ve uttered the dreaded cliché we hate so much, and I can only apologise.
The trouble is, sometimes there’s nothing more accurate than a cliché, which is why we use them.
Now then,’ he said with finality, patting her hand and rising to his feet, ‘I’ve taken up enough of your time, and since there’s somebody looking at the closed sign on the door, I should leave you to your customers. ’
Hugging him goodbye, Nina thought how he walked out of the gallery a different man, his shoulders back, his head up. There was none of the embarrassed awkwardness of when he’d walked in. Confession really is good for the soul, she couldn’t help but think.