Chapter Twenty-Six #2
On a purely business level, which was all she allowed herself to contemplate, she missed Jakob’s efficiency in the gallery and his enthusiasm to learn about the world of fine art.
Finding a replacement as good as he’d been would be hard.
As a temporary measure, having Keith lending a hand worked well enough, but a more permanent arrangement had to be put in place.
She hadn’t rushed to find anyone else because she suspected Keith needed to keep busy, to stop himself from thinking what he was going to do next.
‘I know Keith is staying with you,’ Hilary said, breaking into Nina’s thoughts, ‘he told me you’d invited him to use your guest room.
Before he left me,’ she went on, ‘he explained all about the woman he’d met.
He seemed to think it would help me to understand things better, my knowing how they met.
’ Her voice took on a hard sarcastic edge.
‘A classic case of my-wife-doesn’t-understand-me. Could he be any more of a cliché?’
‘I doubt it will last between them,’ said Nina. ‘It’s grief Keith is running away from, not you.’
Hilary frowned. ‘Has he told you that?’
‘No. He doesn’t need to. It’s obvious what’s going on, he’s found someone with whom he can talk about Hugh. You wouldn’t ever let him do that, would you?’
The Hilary of before wouldn’t have let Nina get away with such an impudent question, but then if it had been the old Hilary sitting opposite her, Nina wouldn’t have dared launch such a direct hit.
‘I couldn’t,’ murmured Hilary, ‘it was too painful. Whenever he broached the subject, I had the feeling all he wanted to do was put Hugh’s death behind him and move on. He made it sound so mundane that we had lost our son, as though I just had to pull myself together and we’d get over losing Hugh.’
‘I don’t believe for one minute that’s what Keith thought. He wanted to share his grief with you, not trivialise it.’
‘You’re saying I drove him away, straight into the arms of another woman who would let him share his grief? Is that it?’
‘Not entirely. But grief can be so divisive, and it hits people in different ways; it can drive a wedge through the most stable of relationships. You might not believe it, but I think you and I are quite similar in how we’ve tried to deal with Hugh’s death, we both shut down a part of ourselves in the hope it would protect us from the worst of the pain.
I buried myself in working at the gallery and you buried—’
‘Myself in what exactly?’ Hilary cut in abruptly, as if ready to be offended.
‘You buried yourself in every memory you had of your son and … ’ Nina hesitated, but forced herself to go on because if she couldn’t say it now, she never would.
‘You buried yourself in dreaming of having a grandchild, maybe a little boy who would be just like his father and then you’d have something worth living for and some of the heartbreak might be eased. ’
In the crashing silence that followed, and from the terrible look of anguish on Hilary’s face, Nina feared she had gone too far.
But to retract or apologise would negate the truth and for too long Hilary had been allowed to avoid the truth.
She had to accept that no amount of denial or angry grief would ever bring Hugh back. Nor would a grandchild.
‘Is it really so wrong of me to want something of my son?’ asked Hilary. ‘Isn’t the desire for a grandchild the most natural thing in the world, a necessary part of the circle of life?’
‘Not wrong at all, of course it isn’t.’
‘Then why won’t you give me a grandchild?’ Hilary cried out pitifully with a tearful choke in her voice.
‘You know it’s not as simple as that,’ Nina said gently. ‘Hugh and I put ourselves through the soul-destroying misery of IVF four times, and now you want me to do it again but on my own.’
‘You wouldn’t be on your own,’ Hilary said, ‘I’d be there for you. You’d have your parents too, and your friends.’
‘I’m sorry, Hilary, but it’s too late.’
‘You’re not too old, if that’s what you mean. Plenty of women older than you have had babies this way.’
‘It’s not my age,’ said Nina, ‘although admittedly it’s a small part of the decision I’ve at last reached.
’ She took a breath and willed herself on.
‘I wanted you to be the first to know this, because I appreciate how much it matters to you, but I’ve decided that I’m not going to use any of the embryos which the clinic has been storing.
The dream of having a child was always Hugh’s more than mine.
Because I loved him so much, I was happy to have a family with him, but without him, it wouldn’t be the same. ’
Hilary stared back at her, her eyes dark with sadness. ‘You’re not doing this to spite me, are you, to pay me back for what happened at the wedding?’
‘Of course I’m not. You should know me better than that.’
‘Is there nothing I can say to persuade you to change your mind?’
‘It’s taken a long time for me to reach the decision I have and it’s not one I’ve made lightly.’
‘Is it because you want to be with that man from the gallery?’
‘Jakob, you mean?’
‘Yes. Are you in love with him? Is it his child you want rather than Hugh’s?’
Nina shook her head vehemently. ‘There’s nothing between us. He isn’t around anymore. He’s gone.’
‘You looked very close at the wedding when you were dancing together,’ said Hilary. There was an archness to the way she’d phrased the remark.
‘I’d had too much to drink,’ Nina said lightly, ‘and lost myself in the moment.’
Hilary looked at her with shrewd penetrating eyes. ‘That doesn’t sound like you at all,’ she said.
‘You and I both behaved out of character that day.’
‘Quite.’
They sat in silence for a few awkward seconds until Hilary said, ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like a proper drink, or maybe have a bite to eat? I’d be happy to cook something.’
‘I’m fine with water and I had lunch with a client today so I’m not that hungry now.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘And really I should go.’
Hilary looked disappointed. ‘Must you?’
‘You know how it is,’ Nina said, finishing her drink and getting to her feet, ‘there’s always a ton of emails to deal with.’
‘Of course, I know how busy you are. Hugh was always so proud of you, how you took on the gallery and threw yourself into it with such dedication.’
They were in the hall now and Nina was rummaging in her bag for her keys when Hilary said, ‘What will happen to the embryos you and Hugh stored at the clinic?’
Thrown by the question, Nina said, ‘That’s another decision I have to make.’
‘If I understand things correctly,’ Hilary said, ‘you have two choices, donate the embryos to another couple or have them destroyed.’
‘Or they can be used for research,’ said Nina.
Hilary looked appalled. ‘You mean part of Hugh could be tinkered with, like … like some hideous Frankenstein experiment?’
Nina wasn’t surprised at Hilary’s reaction; she had expected it. ‘I think that’s a little extreme, don’t you? And what would you have, your grandchild being brought up by an anonymous couple?’
‘It’s not what Hugh would have wanted.’
‘None of this is what Hugh wanted,’ Nina said grimly, ‘but I’m left with the mess to sort out and I have to do it my way because I’m the one who has to live with it.’
And with that, she said a curt goodbye and drove home.