Chapter Thirty-Two #2
‘It was selfish too; an act of self-preservation.’
Nina sighed. ‘That’s how every day feels to me, an act of self-preservation as I guard against my emotions getting any more battered than they already are. I know I’m over the worst of my grief, but it occasionally still has the power to stop me in my tracks.’
‘How does it … ’ Jakob hesitated as if searching through his extensive English vocabulary for the right word, ‘… how does it manifest itself?’
‘Mostly as guilt. I know Hugh is dead and I’m alive and that means I must get on with my life. I know all that, but grief isn’t linear, it goes round and round in never-ending circles with me caught at the centre of it.’
‘I apologise for stating the obvious, but you need to break out of that cycle.’
‘I know I do,’ she said. ‘As you say, it is obvious and I think, or rather I hope, I’ve now taken a positive step to break the cycle.’ She was thinking about the clinic and how she’d brought matters to a close there. But she didn’t want to talk about that now.
A group of students in their running gear with St Catharine’s College emblazoned across their sweatshirts pounded by and when they had disappeared into the distance around a bend in the river, she said, ‘I’m sorry you felt you had to leave.
I shouldn’t have accepted your resignation.
It was a mistake, and I was a coward not to try and talk you out of going. ’
‘You were under enough pressure already without me adding to your problems. But I wish now that I had stayed and talked to you properly.’
‘So do I. I’ve missed you,’ she said, forcing herself to be honest again, but then tempering the admission by adding, ‘The clients have too.’
‘I could come back if you think the clients would like it,’ he suggested with smile. ‘Or have you found a replacement?’
‘Not a permanent replacement, but the job is yours if you’d like it. What about the family business in Oslo, don’t you have commitments there? Won’t your parents be disappointed if you return here for a job for which they know you’re overqualified?’
‘They know why I’m here. I told them all about you and they agreed that I should return to Cambridge to try and convince you that we could make things work. They said if I didn’t come, I’d always regret it.’
‘But do they know that I’m so much older than you?’
He frowned. ‘You’re not that much older. And anyway, my mother is older than my father, so for them it is no big deal.’
Like father like son, she thought. And how easy he made it all sound.
So tempting too. What was stopping her from saying what did it matter what anyone might think?
Why not be tempted? What was the worst that could happen?
Surely the worst had already happened to her, she had lost Hugh.
Or was she frightened to be with someone new because she feared she might lose them as well?
Her brain was whirling again with a rush of what ifs. She couldn’t live like this though. Living in fear of what each day could bring, she might as well be dead. She had to be brave and make herself vulnerable all over again. It was the only way.
‘Come on,’ she said, abruptly rising to her feet, determined to banish the what if demons from inside her head. ‘Let’s walk, it’s too cold to sit still for any length of time.’
When Jakob stood up, he reached for one of her hands.
It made her remember the day of the wedding when they’d just got out of his car, and he’d given her his arm to lean on so she could safely negotiate the gravel in her heels.
She had hesitated at the time, even though it had been a perfectly natural gesture on his part, just as this was now.
But this time she didn’t hesitate; she happily placed her hand in his.
They’d only walked a short distance when, and as if both driven by the same spontaneous desire, they came to a stop, turned and gazed at each other.
‘Is this when we risk kissing again?’ he asked.
His voice was low, and drawn in by the powerfully magnetic pull of his blue eyes, Nina saw in them the raw strength of his feelings for her. ‘I think it is,’ she said. ‘What’s more, I don’t think we’ll come to any harm this time.’
‘Speak for yourself,’ he said, ‘my heart is ready to explode!’
His arms moved to hold her close, and their mouths met. Despite the cold, his mouth was invitingly warm and soft, and she pressed her lips against his, sinking deeply into his embrace, finally giving in to the potent ache of her feelings for him.
The kiss only came to an end because from behind them came the sound of heavy breathing and thundering feet.
Hastily standing to one side to let the runner by, a juggernaut of a man who didn’t look like he was built for running, Jakob grinned at Nina.
‘We survived a second kiss and nothing bad happened to us,’ he said.
With a lightness of heart, as if a huge weight had been lifted from her, Nina laughed and they began walking again, her hand in his. His hand felt good. Strong, reassuring and … right.
They’d been walking for a few minutes when Jakob squeezed her hand gently and Nina instinctively sensed that he was about to say something important. She was right.
‘I know a new relationship won’t be easy for you, Nina, but I want you to know that this is not easy for me either. I’ve never had a girlfriend whose partner died, so I know I have to be careful and not say or do the wrong thing that will scare you away.’
Nina had never looked at it from his perspective before.
She had only ever thought of the risk to herself in being in a relationship with somebody who wasn’t Hugh.
She pondered what he’d said as they continued to follow the path that was a patchwork of fallen leaves.
After they’d slowed their step to allow a trio of girls to jog by, she turned to look at Jakob.
‘Thank you for being so honest with me,’ she said, ‘I really hadn’t thought how difficult it might be for you.’
‘It was one of the reasons why I went back to Oslo,’ he said, ‘I lost my nerve. I suddenly became worried that I could never give you what your husband did. Or be like him.’
She was shocked to hear him say this and thought carefully before replying.
‘You don’t have to be like Hugh,’ she said firmly, ‘just be yourself. It’s what we both must do.
The worst thing we could do is lose sight of who we are as individuals.
If we can’t be our natural selves, then a relationship will never work. ’
When she fell quiet, he stopped walking and put his hand to her cheek. ‘Then we must try very hard not to fall into that trap. I’m not used to failing, Nina. And I don’t believe you are either.’
He was right, she hated to fail, she always had.
It was one of the many things that had upset her about Hugh’s death.
She’d felt she’d failed him, that if she had only loved him more, he might have lived.
In her more rational moments, she knew that that was nonsense, yet in her darkest moments she’d believed it.
But now was not the time for dwelling on her darkest moments.
Not when Jakob was staring at her the way he was, making her legs feel like they were about to dissolve into the ground.
She moved her head and kissed the palm of his hand that still rested against her cheek.
‘Let’s walk across the meadows to Grantchester,’ she then said, ‘and have a pub lunch there. I’m suddenly hungry. ’
She was, she realised, suddenly hungry for life, and a life lived to the fullest.