CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
We bonded over our art. And I was glad we got on for Claire’s sake and for mine. Sometimes, when one friend started dating, their friendship drifted as they were no longer spending as much time together.
But with Claire, Joel and me, that wasn’t the case.
The three of us had an easy friendship and often spent time together, although I was always scrupulous about making sure I was never, ever a ‘hanger-on’ gooseberry.
Looking back, I’d fallen in love with Joel almost from our first meeting, but I would never allow myself to acknowledge it. He was Claire’s boyfriend. I was lucky to have him as a friend, but it was nothing more than that and never would be.
After art classes, we’d sometimes go to a café we both liked across town. Claire hated it. It was a bit too relaxed and Bohemian for her. She preferred the chic cafés in the town centre. But this place, Joel and I agreed, served the best coffee ever, and you could lounge as long as you liked on the squashy, colourful sofas covered with fringed throws. We’d be talking all the way there, usually about art, and then the chat – about everything else – would continue seamlessly as we ordered our coffee. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about.
I remember there was the cutest cottage we used to pass on the way to the café.
I’d stop sometimes and peer over the hedge, trying to imagine what it was like inside, and Joel would eventually have to drag me away, saying that if I wasn’t careful, I’d be locked up for lurking with intent. I’d tell him I had plans to live there one day and that would make him laugh.
They were great times. And I told myself I was happy with the way things were with Joel. We were good friends. That was enough for me...
And the first year was fine.
But then things started going wrong.
Claire and Joel started having arguments, usually started by Claire. The ‘honeymoon period’ of their relationship over, and I realised she was growing impatient with his gentle nature. She started complaining to me that he wasn’t ambitious enough... that she wanted him to ‘make something of himself’ but she was afraid he was just turning out to be one of life’s ‘plodders’. She was always trying to get a rise out of him. But Joel would refuse to be drawn into a shouting match, which of course infuriated Claire even more.
I watched all this from the side-lines, feeling bad for Joel. He was a gentle, kind, artistic man with simple tastes. He would never be good enough for Claire. But in my opinion, Claire was nowhere near good enough for Joel. She was my friend, but her treatment of this lovely man with his dry sense of humour was making me see her in a different light. The rather materialistic streak in her that I’d always been vaguely aware of seemed to be emerging more and more. It became clear to me that she needed Joel to keep her in a style to which she wanted to become accustomed – and because she doubted that he could, she was turning away from him.
Then one night, I caught her with someone else.
Claire was quick to assure me that the kiss had meant nothing, but I was heartbroken for Joel. He didn’t deserve to be treated like this, and the worst thing was, we’d booked a residential art course that was happening in a few weeks’ time. We’d be together a whole two days but I’d have to hide this secret about Claire that I absolutely couldn’t tell him.
I thought about cancelling my place on the course, saying I was ill. It had been expensive and I wouldn’t get my money back at this late stage, but I was prepared to cancel in order to distance myself from Joel.
In the end, it was Claire herself who changed my mind.
She said I had to go because it would look suspicious if I didn’t. Joel already knew things weren’t right between them, but she wasn’t quite ready to tell him it was over.
‘Hang on. Are you still seeing that other guy?’ I demanded.
She grinned sheepishly. ‘Other guys . Plural.’
‘ What? ’
She gave a defensive shrug and scoffed, ‘Oh, grow up, Rhona. We’re not engaged . I can see who the hell I like.’
‘But you can’t do that to Joel,’ I appealed to her. ‘He really doesn’t deserve it.’
She got nasty then and accused me of being in love with Joel myself. I tried to deny it but my flushed face must have given my feelings away, and after that, our friendship – which had been awkward since the day I caught her kissing the other guy – descended into bitterness on her part. I’d probably made her feel guilty. She stopped talking to me and refused to answer my calls. I wasn’t prepared to be complicit in her two-timing Joel, so I was cast off like a dirty shirt.
I went on that residential art course, telling myself we were just two friends with a shared passion for art. Claire had cut me out of her life, but I wasn’t going to lose Joel’s friendship as well.
Over the course of those two days and nights, Joel and I talked about everything that mattered to us. We laughed at how much we had in common – our art and our ideas about life – and he confided in me, over several glasses of wine, that he knew Claire was cheating on him but he didn’t really care because the love had gone. Still feeling I owed Claire some kind of loyalty, I pretended I had no idea.
But later, when he moved to kiss me, I didn’t resist. I couldn’t reject him. Partly because I wanted to comfort him after Claire’s betrayal. But mainly because I’d loved him for so long and I found myself powerless to let go of the connection that had been deepening between us.
We spent one night together.
I lost myself in the overwhelming bliss of being held finally in his strong, passionate embrace. I loved Joel with every fibre of my being. It felt so right, being with him. And Joel showed me he felt exactly the same – over and over on that hot, magical summer night...
He told me next morning that he was ending things with Claire.
I reacted with a mix of joy and unease, knowing that it would mean the certain end of my friendship with Claire. She would think I’d given away her secret to Joel... that it was my fault he was ending things before she had a chance to.
It didn’t matter, though. I knew it was the right thing for both of them.
I told Joel I’d give him the space to sort things out with Claire, then we went our separate ways. But I hugged the promise of our future happiness close to me like a warm blanket.
When Claire texted a few days later to say she was coming round to see me, I braced myself for her anger and accusations.
But when I opened the door, she was smiling.
I felt completely wrong-footed. Maybe Joel hadn’t broken up with her, after all? Or maybe he had and she was okay about it?
‘I wanted you to be the first to know, Rhona,’ she announced. ‘While you were away, I discovered I was pregnant! And Joel couldn’t be happier.’
The weeks after that bombshell were a nightmare for me.
Joel was a kind, caring guy. I knew without a doubt that he would stand by her, and I also knew from our conversations on the course how much he wanted to be a father. Somehow, I had to accept it.
He called me a few times, wanting to talk, but I knew the only way I could remain sane was to distance myself from both of them.
So I did.
But it was so hard.
The shine had gone off my friendship with Claire. We didn’t seem to have that much in common anymore. But I hated the thought of losing my special friendship with Joel.
I knew how much he cared for me, but I didn’t have any other option. He was with Claire and their baby now. If I remained in their lives, the pain of knowing we could only be friends, Joel and I, would be impossible to endure.
What I didn’t realise quite then was that fate had something else in store for me.
Something that would change my life forever.
A pregnancy test that turned out to be positive...