CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
It was great having Rhona back at work. I’d missed her practical approach to the business, her efficiency at problem-solving and her complete unflappability.
Most of all, though, I’d missed her kindness, calmness and her cheerful company.
But when I broached the subject of finding her daughter, her reply was once again brusque. She wasn’t going to look for her.
‘And Joel?’
‘He’s married with a family. He’ll have forgotten about me long ago. And his lasting memory of me won’t have been a good one. I never replied to his letter, did I?’
‘Because you didn’t receive it.’
‘That’s by the by. He didn’t know that, so he’ll have assumed I didn’t care and he’ll have put me out of his mind.’ She sighed. ‘You know, if I’d read Joel’s letter at the time, I’d probably have gone to him and told him the truth about our baby. I’d no idea his feelings for me were so strong. I thought it was Claire who was the love of his life. But it turns out it wasn’t. It was me.’ She shrugged. ‘But there’s no point getting upset. However much we might want to, we can’t change the past, can we?’
‘No,’ I said carefully. ‘But we could change your future. I could help you? We could find them both, I’m sure. Your daughter. And Joel.’
‘Thank you, Ellie, but no.’
Her expression told me that this was her last word on the subject.
After that, she refused to be drawn out about the past. She told me quite sternly that she’d finally drawn a line under everything that had happened for the sake of her sanity and she resolutely refused to answer any more questions on the subject.
She wouldn’t even tell me what she’d named her baby daughter.
*****
I tried to talk to Zak about Rhona when he was home at the weekend, but he was still too wrapped up in his writing to pay proper attention. These days, I always got the feeling he was just marking time before he could get back to Death Mountain .
Whenever I asked about Rachel, he’d say that she was fine and that her book was coming along nicely, but I couldn’t help noticing that he always turned away as he talked about her – to put the kettle on or to reach for the remote to switch channels.
I hated myself for being suspicious. The ridiculous thing was, I knew it was probably the fault of pregnancy hormones making me far more emotional than usual. But knowing that really didn’t help.
Why did Zak always look so shifty when I mentioned his gran’s next-door neighbour?
I’d always been so scornful of needy, bunny-boiler types. But Zak’s eagerness to be away again on Sunday afternoons seemed to be turning me into exactly that!
It was Sunday today and he was planning to be on the road by three. Just time for a Sunday roast and then he’d be away again. I could hear him moving around upstairs as I put the chicken in the oven, and I felt a cold hand squeeze my insides. Was he having another of his private, intimate-sounding phone calls with Rachel up there? I really didn’t want to think about it.
Passing the study, I went in to collect cups.
His laptop was open on the desk and I hesitated for a moment.
Curiosity was burning inside me – along with more than a pinch of resentment that he was cutting short his visit again – and it was making me think of doing something that would never normally cross my mind...
Quickly, I tapped in his password and there were his documents laid out before me.
I clicked on Death Mountain , thinking I could at least check on his progress and see how many words he’d written. Because so far, only Rachel had been allowed to read any of it.
I stared down at the page in front of me.
What on earth?
I navigated back to the desktop, thinking there must be some mistake. There had to be another document called Death Mountain .
But as far as I could see, there wasn’t. This was the only one – the Death Mountain I’d seen Zak working on every weekend he’d come home.
I felt chilled to the bone with foreboding. Something wasn’t right.
Because apart from the title, the document in front of me was completely blank...
*****
I stood there, stunned, staring down at the only two words on the page.
Where was this great story Zak was writing and was so excited about? It didn’t make sense. Why would he pretend to be working on something that didn’t exist?
Unless it was something else – or some one else – making him so happy and exhilarated these days...
Hearing him zipping up his bag in the bedroom, I quickly turned away, not wanting him to catch me snooping on his laptop. I snatched up some cups and went out, meeting him at the top of the stairs.
He gave me a hangdog look. ‘I know. I deserve to be whipped, don’t I?’
‘What?’ I stared at him, my heart beating faster.
He shrugged. ‘The mugs. I always forget to bring the used coffee cups downstairs.’
‘Oh. Right.’ Relief flowed through me. I stumbled a little and he grabbed me before I took a step down.
‘Are you okay, love?’ he asked, looking genuinely concerned.
‘Fine.’ I looked away as tears sprang to my eyes.
‘Ellie?’ He took my arm and guided me back into the bedroom, away from Maisie who was watching TV downstairs. ‘Is it because I haven’t been spending enough time with you and Maisie at weekends? Because if so, I’m really sorry and I promise I’ll make it up to you, once this book’s finished. We could book a holiday, if you like? Maisie’s always talking about going to Spain.’
I stared up at him. ‘But what book are you talking about?’ I demanded. ‘Because when I looked, you hadn’t written a single thing. So what the hell is going on, Zak? Is it Rachel ?’
‘What?’ He looked confused. ‘Rachel? What about her?’
‘Look, I know there’s something going on so please don’t lie to me. You’ve been behaving so suspiciously and I’ve tried to tell myself it’s nothing, but it’s time you told me the truth.’ It was all coming out in a hurry now, my words tumbling over each other. ‘Zak, please. Is there something going on that I should know about?’
He gazed at me and the look in his eyes sent a chill through me. Because it wasn’t the sort of look that said I was being silly and it was all my imagination.
It was a look of guilt.
I sank down on the bed feeling suddenly light-headed and as if my legs couldn’t hold me up.
‘Tell me, Zak. I need to know. You owe me the truth.’
He ran a hand wearily through his hair, then he smiled a little goofily. ‘Okay. I’ll put my hands up. Yes. It’s Rachel.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, it’s definitely not what you’re thinking,’ he said firmly, looking astonished that an affair had even crossed my mind. ‘She’s a literary agent and she’s negotiating a book deal for me.’
I stared at him, stunned. ‘Really? A new agent? A book deal ?’
He grinned. ‘You’ve spoiled the surprise, but yes. It’s all looking very promising. Rachel has two publishers interested. I’ve been getting the first section written in a hurry so she’d have part of a manuscript to show them.’
‘Wow. So Death Mountain might be a big hit, then?’
He shook his head. ‘I just made that title up, on the spur of the moment.’
‘But why?’
‘Because the book I’m writing is all about my experiences as a hopeful guy going through IVF with his partner.’
‘What? Really?’
He sat down beside me and took my hand. ‘Everyone always hears about the woman’s experience of IVF, but there’s never much written from a male perspective. And yet it’s just as stressful for us blokes. Maybe even more so because we have to watch you go through so much – all the injections and the disappointments – while being unable to do anything practical to help, except be there to support you.’
‘Wow.’ I smiled up at him, amazed. ‘So that was your story idea?’
He nodded. ‘Rachel’s really excited about it. And so am I.’
I laughed in disbelief. ‘But why didn’t you tell me, Zak? I’ve been thinking all sorts of awful things... mainly that you’d gone off me.’
‘Really?’ He looked at me, aghast. ‘Oh, Ellie, as if! I’d have told you straight away if I’d known that’s what you were thinking. Come here.’ He pulled me against him and held me close, and I clung to him in relief, smothered by his woolly jumper but not even caring.
It felt so very good to be in Zak’s arms and to feel we were in perfect sync again – like we always used to be...
‘I wanted this book to be perfect before you read it,’ he murmured into my hair. ‘I think it’s going to be special. And I’ve already written the dedication in my head. “For Ellie, who is the love of my life”.’
I gave an enormous sob and he chuckled softly.
‘I take it you approve?’
Raising my face to his, I smiled at him through blurry eyes. ‘I approve wholeheartedly. In fact, I’m so happy, I’ve even forgiven your dirty mug hoarder tendencies.’
He pulled me against him again and kissed me with a passion that sent my whole body into a frenzy of longing.
We were together again – properly together, mind and body – and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world...