Chapter 22 Zander
Zander
I’m so gutted and ashamed, I can hardly stand up straight. I want to bolt from this conversation so badly. If she knew the whole truth about my freshman year, she’d never speak to me again.
But I can’t leave things like this.
“Sienna, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.
” I’m seconds away from dropping to my knees and begging her forgiveness.
“I didn’t break up with you to spread my wings and get with a bunch of other girls.
I swear. That was never my intention. I went to Kesley U to prove myself on the field, but I got caught up in—”
I shake my head, letting out a desperate little huff as I try to explain myself.
But nothing I say can make this better, can it?
What possible words will ever excuse my behavior?
“Things just turned to shit and I messed up. I wasn’t over you.
I was trying really hard to forget about us and make the most of my college experience, but it was all such bullshit!
” I scrape a hand through my hair. “I was wasting my time trying to impress the wrong people and I was fucking miserable. That’s why I was drinking.
When I was out of it like that, I didn’t have to feel anything. But then I’d sober up and hate myself.”
I clench my jaw before I spill more of my foul-smelling dirt. I don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have.
Blinking, I sniff and softly admit. “I came back for you.”
“What?” Her head snaps in my direction. Her frown is deep with confusion.
“I was missing you so much.”
“Obviously.” Her dry retort burns me, and I take a step toward her.
“I was. I… all that shit left me empty, and I needed you. I was drowning and miserable, so I came back to see you…beg you to forgive me and take me back. But…you were gone. You were…” My words trail off and I shake my head, scuffing the floor with my sneaker and mumbling, “I get why now. It just…” I let out a dry laugh.
“You think I let you go so easily, but you left without warning. No goodbye. Nothing.”
Her blue gaze is bright and fiery.
“I’m not blaming you. I’m just…” Shaking my head, I look to the floor again, unable to stand her hot glare.
A somber silence fills the room, and then my watch starts beeping. Fuck! I really have to go.
But…
Looking up with a silent apology, I try to think of something to say, but Sienna’s still glaring at me.
“You need to go,” she mutters.
“Yeah.” I nod, hating myself for turning toward the door.
I stop just before reaching for the handle and notice a square notepad and pen on the side table. Reaching for it, I quickly scribble down my number.
“Call me anytime and I’ll be there, okay?” Holding out the paper to her, I silently beg her to take it.
After a thick, uncomfortable beat, she pushes off the wall and walks toward me.
The paper shakes in the air between us before she snatches it from my fingers and reads the digits.
“Anything. Small, big, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be here for you and Zoey.”
She doesn’t nod, but she does tuck the note into her back pocket.
Her blue eyes graze over me once more, and I whisper a final apology before slipping out the door. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
It’s not enough.
It’ll never be enough.
What she saw that day…
Fuck. That must have destroyed her.
I was on that bed with two chicks I don’t even remember. I was oblivious to the only one who meant anything to me.
If I’d known she was there, I would have dropped everything, chased after her, done all I could to make it right.
But I was such a fucked-up mess that year.
Going to Kelsey U was the biggest mistake I ever made.
That, and breaking up with Sienna.
But maybe if I’d come straight to Nolan… if I hadn’t gotten roped in by my reckless roommate and the rest of the team…
Don’t blame them. You were the one who gave in to the pressure.
I shake my head, my mind jumping back to that first night I boarded a one-way ticket to my own demise…
I was missing Sienna like crazy, doing everything in my power not to text her every minute of every damn day.
But we’d agreed on a clean break. I was here to play football and study hard, to prove myself—and show Coach Watkins from Brighton College that not wanting me was the biggest mistake he’d ever made.
It was my time to shine and be the best. I was only a freshman, but I’d get time on the field. I was determined to get noticed, to fit in with the team and do everything in my power to make my reasons for breaking up with Sienna worth it.
Dad—my entire family, really—had convinced me that I was too young to be tied down in a serious relationship. It was holding me back. We were holding each other back. And I was out to prove that they were right, even though everything inside me was pining for her.
I’d already made the decision that if I was missing her this badly when I went home for my Christmas break, I was going to get in touch with her, see how she was doing. Maybe talk about trying the long-distance thing. Would she be into it?
I may have missed my chance.
Shit, I probably had.
She was the hottest catch in the school. Some other guy had probably swooped in and stolen her from me.
“Fuck.” I banged the desk, growling as I pulled my textbook toward me and tried to wrap my head around stuff I didn’t even care about.
“Just leave it.” Miguel slapped me on the shoulder. “Come on, man. Let’s go. Party’s started.” My roommate opened our door, and I glanced over my shoulder at him.
“I have to get through this shit. The test is next week.”
“Fuck that.” Miguel laughed. “We’re college athletes. We don’t have to pass tests to be here.”
“But Coach Jones told us—”
“Screw Coach Jones. That guy has his head up his ass.”
I frowned. “I don’t want to be riding the bench all season. I came here so I could get some field time.”
“And you will… as long as you don’t isolate yourself from the team.”
I swiveled in my seat to face him. “What do you mean?”
Rolling his eyes like I was a clueless loser, my sophomore roommate walked back over to me and rested his hand on my desk. “Coach Jones doesn’t run our team. He’s not even the head coach.”
“He’s the offensive coach,” I softly argued. “He’s pretty damn important.”
“Coach Filmore is the only one who really counts. And he likes to give the captains as much responsibility as possible. He’s always consulting with the players and making them feel like we’re valued members of his team, you know?”
My eyebrows wrinkled, uncertainty swirling through me. I’d never played on a team like that before. Coaches ruled. That was just the way it went.
“You want field time, you need to get in good with Williams and Hodgkins. They’ll be the ones telling Coach to give you a shot.
If they don’t like you, you’ll be riding that bench, dude.
I promise you. Just ask any of the guys who are warming that seat every damn week.
It took me a while to figure it out last year, but I’m telling you, after one party with Williams, I was in.
You have to prove yourself to those guys if you want to get on that field. ”
My stomach sank, twisting uncomfortably as Miguel started flipping my books closed. “So, you get your ass out of that chair and come party with me, man.”
I wasn’t sure what to do, but the thought of coming all this way only to ride the bench like I would have at Brighton College forced me out of my chair.
I was there to impress and get my ass on that field.
And if that meant I had to get in good with the senior players…
the ones with the most influence… then I guess I had to do it.
It took twenty minutes to walk to the party, and when we got there, it was in full swing.
Music was reverberating so loud that I could feel the floor vibrating beneath me.
The off-campus house was packed with luscious eye candy that was impossible not to stare at.
A couple girls were dancing topless near the couches, and another was in the kitchen, lying on the table, covered in shot glasses and laughing as guys took turns plucking them off her stomach with their mouths.
I’d never been to anything so wild, and I felt instantly on edge. Miguel shoved a beer in my hand and told me to loosen up before taking off after a brunette with long curls and a back tattoo.
I nestled myself into a corner, sipping my beer and wishing for Sienna, second-guessing my decision to leave her.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
“Hey, tiger.” A sultry voice curled around me, and my head snapped to the right.
“Uh… hi.” Heat shot down my spine as my eyes traveled the length of this sexy-ass woman dressed in a string bikini and red heels. What the fuck? Did this place even have a pool?
She draped herself against me and whispered, “Wanna dance?”
“Um… I…”
Before I could finish my reply, she dragged me onto the floor, gyrating against me while I tried and failed to get into it.
Was it seriously worth all this?
Partygoers pressed in on me from every angle as I moved my body in a half-hearted dance and fought the urge to bolt for the door…
until a cup of beer was launched across the room and I was soon covered in sticky alcohol.
The girl dancing with me threw her head back, laughing hysterically, then started licking my face.
Okay, too much. It was too much.
I eased away from her with a polite smile. “Gotta go.”
“What?” She frowned at me while I shimmied through the crowd.
I’d nearly made it to the front entrance when a large body stopped in front of me. I jerked back, looking up at Hodgkins and trying for a cool, calm grin. “Hey, man.”
“Where you going?” He lightly pushed me back toward the dance floor.
“It’s, uh… getting late.” I swallowed. “I’ve got to get some studying done.”
“Bullshit.” He laughed, nudging me back another step, his eyes glittering with something dangerous that I didn’t fully understand. “You’re part of this team now, and if you want to stay that way, you play by our rules. It’s party time, lil’ freshman. So you party.”