Chapter 23 Sienna
Sienna
It’s Sunday morning. The sun is shining, and I feel like total shit.
Zoey had such a restless night. It didn’t help that I was in a foul mood. I think she was vibing off my angst, which stopped her from relaxing into her evening routine, and then she was up and down like a yo-yo half the night.
I hope she’s not getting sick.
I checked her temperature this morning just in case, but she seems happy and bright despite her lack of sleep, so it’s just me who feels like I’ve been hit by a bus.
When I shuffled out to the kitchen this morning, Russell took one look at me and sent me back to bed. I took him up on the offer. He’s around all day, and I may as well take advantage.
But I can’t sleep.
I’ve tried for nearly an hour, tossing and turning in my bed. My brain won’t switch off.
I keep reliving my last conversation with Zander and that look on his face when he was apologizing. His regret over what happened is obviously so deep. I can’t believe he got wasted and ended up with those two girls, but it was almost like he couldn’t believe he’d let himself sink so low either.
His first semester at college must have been a total train wreck and I don’t understand how he got caught up in all of that shit.
He must have been really struggling. The guy I knew wouldn’t have gone down that road, but something must have made him snap.
He couldn’t remember being with those girls at all, so what I saw wasn’t him deliberately getting into a threesome because he was some kind of man-whore.
He was wasted and not fully conscious of what he was doing.
Are you seriously making excuses for him?
Maybe. Because even though that scenario still sucks, it doesn’t hurt as bad.
Maybe I can throw a little of my anger at those two girls for taking advantage of him.
He was lying back against those pillows, his pants around his ankles and his brain a sloshy mess.
Did he even realize at the time what he was allowing to happen to his body?
I bite my lip, playing with the ends of my hair and imagining the man who found Zoey and bought me Nerds allowing that to happen to himself again, and I can’t. He’s grown up. He’s changed.
God, please that be true.
His phone number has been burning a hole in my pocket since Wednesday, but I still haven’t put it into my phone. I can’t call or text him… can I?
No! You don’t need him. He’s just…
Just what?
Zoey’s father.
The guy who broke my heart.
The one who came back for me.
Shit. Sitting up, I scrape my fingers through my hair and gaze out the window.
“He came back for me,” I whisper, struggling to believe it.
The guy I spotted tongue-deep in a three-way didn’t seem the kind who would miss me.
But the man who held my daughter on Wednesday and calmed her down? Yeah, he was the one I fell for. And maybe that’s who he is now. He must had found a way out of that mess somehow.
Maybe transferring to Nolan U was a fresh start for him or something.
I don’t know.
But… can I forgive him?
Can I let him back into my life?
“He came back for me.” I flop down, my lips twitching as I stare up at the ceiling and play with the ends of my hair.
Things would have been so different if I’d known that.
I gave him no chance to redeem himself. And a part of me feels bad for that.
Which is probably why I’ve been obsessing over him. Probably why I secretly watched his away game yesterday. They lost, which put me in a foul mood—don’t ask me why.
It’s probably why I can’t fall asleep right now.
Because he’s consuming me.
Throwing back the duvet with a huff, I jump out of bed and tie my hair up in a messy knot before heading out to the kitchen.
I want to check on Zoey. Her cute little smile will distract me and make me feel better. I’m already running through the day ahead. It’s so nice out there, we’ll definitely have to get to the park. And maybe I’ll take a ball this time. She might like kicking it around. How adorable would that be?
Zipping up my hoodie, I’m about to round the corner into the kitchen when I hear Zoey’s voice and go still, leaning my head against the wall and soaking in her sweet sound with a smile.
“Chochos.”
“You want more Cheerios?” Russell asks. I love the tone he uses with her. It’s always so gentle and sweet.
“Chochos,” Zoey confirms her request.
“Can I get some manners?”
“Peeeeeese, Unca Russy.”
He laughs, and I can hear the box shaking. “You know, you can just call me Dada if it’s easier to say. I don’t mind.”
I ping away from the wall, frowning when Zoey says, “Dada.”
He might not mind, but I sure as hell do!
Whipping around the corner, I paste on a smile and brush my hands through Zoey’s curls.
“Mommy!” She grins up at me, a Cheerio perched between her little fingers.
“Hey, cowgirl.” I wink at her, and she giggles.
Russell gives me a quizzical frown and I ignore it, wanting to clarify something first.
“It’s Uncle Rusty, by the way. Or Uncle Russell. It’s not Dada.”
He shrugs, a red hue splashing over his cheeks as he lets out a soft laugh. “Uncle Russell is a mouthful.”
“Then she can just call you Rusty or Russell.”
“Dada’s easier to say,” he mutters into his coffee cup.
“But you’re not her dad.”
His gaze snaps to mine, his smile disappearing as he walks toward me and leans in so close, I can feel his hot coffee breath against my cheek. “I’m the closest thing she’s got.”
I lean away with a forced smile. “I don’t want to confuse her.”
He growls in his throat and frowns down at me. “She better not be calling that asshole Daddy.”
“Russell.” I quickly cover Zoey’s ears. “Language.”
“If I’m not her dad, then he sure as shit isn’t.” He spits out the words before turning back to the toaster.
My hands shake at his vehemence, my stomach vibrating. I am so not up for this shit today. What the hell?
I know he’s annoyed with Zander over the way he treated me, but still. His reaction seems a little extra.
Smiling down at Zoey, who seems to be picking up the awkward vibe and starting to fuss, I get busy wiping her hands and face. She resists me at every turn and is soon squawking. I pull her out of her highchair and pop her on the ground.
She toddles away from me, over to her set of blocks and the zoo animals she was playing with earlier.
Thumping down onto her padded butt, she gets lost in a world of pretend while I prepare myself some toast and try to avoid Russell’s gaze. He keeps checking on me, but I don’t really feel like talking to him right now.
After a few awkward moments, he lets out a soft sigh and comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder.
His whiskers scratch my neck, and I tense.
He doesn’t seem to notice, his voice dropping to a soft lilt. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight or anything. I’m just trying to protect you from getting hurt. I really care about you and Zoey.”
“I know.” I rest my hands on the edge of the counter, leaning forward and trying to subtly pull out of his octopus grasp.
“I can’t see you go through that heartache again. And I won’t see Zoey dragged into it. She’s too important. Too precious. She deserves a stable, trouble-free home.”
“I know.” I nod and step sideways, wriggling free of his tentacles. I don’t like it when he acts and talks like we’re a couple.
He’s family, sure. But I’m not in love with him, and he will never be Zoey’s father.
Moving to the fridge, I take my time making my morning coffee and wait until Russell has basically finished eating before sitting down.
“I was thinking I’d take Zoey to the playground today. Give you a little alone time,” he tells me.
Again, I tense. I’m not sure why. He’s done it plenty of times before, and I’m usually grateful for it. But him wanting Zoey to call him Dada has really rattled me, and I don’t want her alone with him right now.
Skimming my finger around the lip of my coffee mug, I try to keep my tone casual. “Yeah, I was thinking of taking her as well. I’m happy to do it.”
“I can come with.” He leans against the counter, grinning at me.
I take in his hopeful smile and force out a laugh. “Cool. I might actually text one of the moms from the playgroup I went to as well. Her son, Dayton, got along great with Zoey. Maybe they can meet us there.”
“Oh, uh… sure.” Russell doesn’t love that. I can tell by the way he pulls back from me and gets busy cleaning up the kitchen. “Hanging out with a bunch of moms. Sounds awesome.”
I laugh at his sarcastic quip. “Don’t feel like you have to come. I’m happy to take Zoey out for a playdate, and then we can hang later. Maybe after her nap we could build the train set. She always loves playing trains with you.”
“Yeah, maybe that’s better.” He nods, looking disappointed but not saying so.
Rising from my seat, I take my plate over to him. “Thanks.” His sudsy hand brushes against mine, and he gazes down at me with an intensity that’s kind of unnerving.
He almost looks like he wants to kiss me or something, so I quickly dart out of the kitchen with excuses of getting ready.
He, of course, helps with Zoey, and the stroller is soon fully loaded on the sidewalk.
“Wave to Uncle Rusty,” I tell Zoey, and she glances up at the door, grinning and blowing kisses.
“Goodbye, sweet girl. I love you,” he calls after us.
“Laloo!” she shouts back.
I push the stroller a little faster, pulling out my phone and quickly texting Fiona.
She gets back to me within a minute, apologizing that they’re already busy with a family function today and can’t meet up, but she’d love to another time.
I’m not actually that disappointed, although I kind of am for Zoey. She probably would have loved to play with Dayton.
With a little sigh, the thought that maybe I should call Russell and let him know bounces through my brain, but I’m kind of needing a little space from him right now.
Why?
Because he’s getting too close.
Because I can’t stop thinking about Zander, and being around Russell makes me feel like that’s a huge mistake.