Chapter 21
Gavriel
Hearing Rafe’s apology for leaving me to manage Sanctuary alone restored a part of me I hadn’t realized had been crushed.
Once I could speak, I answered his confession with my own.
“When you were gone, I had no one I could confide in. At first, it wasn’t that hard.
I might not have been the right Angelus for the task, but you did train me.
You didn’t leave Sanctuary in the hands of a Novice.
” We both glanced at Feather, and I was certain my face bore a matching expression of amusement and adoration.
“Mikhail was busy; he always had a project. And I was trying so hard to make certain I didn’t forget anything.
I studied all the time. I had to stop composing after only a few years.
There just wasn’t time for that and the work.
The meetings with the Guides, who were never satisfied with my decisions.
The hunt for what was causing the growing imbalance in humankind.
“Then, things got much worse on Earth. I put aside my music entirely, at the Head Guide’s urging.
It didn’t seem like a vital task to play and sing when the balance was swinging like a feather in the wind.
By the time I realized how bad things had gotten, how much I was missing and messing up, Mikhail was already working on Arabella.
I told him how overwhelmed I felt, but he assured me part of that was not having a soulmate.
It would all get better when she was brought into our realm.
“It got worse, of course. She fell only an hour—not even that—after she was animated. And I descended into an Abyss of my own making. I felt hopeless, helpless. It was all I could do to keep my wings spread in flight. Not to throw myself into the gate, or let myself fall in a fight with a shadow creature.”
Rafe’s strange face contorted with pain and guilt. “That is my fault, Gavriel. I pridefully believed I could return far sooner. What could be stronger than the great Seraphiel? I had never encountered a force that could bring me down.”
“It was your own compassion that was the true reason for your fall,” I argued.
“Feather told us, when you remade her and she returned, how you had taught her to take the burden of crimes onto herself. When I saw you here in Sanctuary, I knew immediately that the taint you bear is the same thing. You tried to take on all the imbalance of the entire void, didn’t you, Rafe? ”
“Not the entire void,” he said reluctantly, an odd expression crossing his face. “Just the parts I thought I could save.”
Feather shifted in her sleep, murmuring something about pancakes and abs and rugby players.
Rafe smiled then. “That’s her eighth favorite fantasy—the rugby players at the all-you-can-eat diner.
Honestly, I think the maple syrup would just make a mess, but try telling her that.
” I felt a pang of envy, and a bitter laugh escaped.
“What?” he asked. “It would be a terrible mess. Syrup in hair and feathers? As she would say, ugh.”
“No, I was laughing because I envy you. You, burdened as you are, imprisoned in the Abyss, still had centuries with her. You know her. She loves you. This will sound ridiculous, but if there were a way to go back in time and trade places, I would do so.” Rafe stared at me in horror, which eventually faded to acceptance, and we both relaxed.
“She’ll want to give you a mating feather, you know,” I said. “To heal you and share the burden, the way she did with Mik and Ry.”
“I would never—” he began, but I waved him to silence.
“I know. Her energy is weaker by the hour. The strain of being separated from two of her mates is taking a heavy toll.”
“This room helps. By the way, I love what you did with your feathers, you idiot. No wonder you can’t fly. That mobile over the crib—it’s a force field? An energy shield?”
“I call it a playpen.” I shrugged, though I was secretly delighted to have impressed my old teacher.
This sort of energy manipulation was no small thing.
“This room was to keep Precious safe. Not only from the asshole Guides in Sanctuary, but the shadows. The Abyss likes that little girl far too much. When we were chasing her on Earth, and Mikhail was recovering from a battle wound, they would come for her constantly. They could sense her.”
“Does she shine, like our Feather?” I sent him a mental picture of the baby, and he released a soft shout of laughter.
“No, she doesn’t look like any Novice I’ve seen.
Oh, I wish I could meet her.” I narrowed my eyes at him when he rubbed his face, the shadows under his skin silently jeering, as usual.
Though I wasn’t sure that for him, their cries were silent.
He spoke over them, a little too loud. “We need to get you back to her, and the others. Do you have a plan for how to get out of here?”
“A better one than yours,” I retorted, rising to take some more food from the box. I handed a bunch to Rafe, and he thanked me.
“My plan is fine,” he said with a scoff. “She’s not tied to me, and I will not let her do so. You know the gate will require the sacrifice of a life. I will choose to be unmade. You will travel with her to the Celestial Realm. Give Mikhail and Mother my love. Tell Imriel to give you my mansion.”
“Your mansion?” I laughed. I’d seen it in his thoughts. It was a quaint cottage, with a sprawling garden filled with flowers. No, wait. “Roses? Fuck, I’ll be hard the rest of my life.”
“She might help you with that,” he said, popping another grape in his mouth. “You’ll only be hard some of the time.”
I gaped at him. “You can’t possibly think... Rafe. I abused her. I tortured her. She’ll never forgive me, and she shouldn’t. I hold no hope of ever being a true mate to her. All I can do for the rest of our long lives is be her servant.”
“Literally my favorite fantasy if you add warm chocolate sauce,” her small voice chimed in.
Feather was sitting up on the bed, rubbing her eyes with closed fists.
She twisted, stretching her back, and then extended her short wings, stretching them as well.
“What’d I miss? Besides Gavriel saying something about being my servant, which to be honest, sounds just about perfect.
I could use a foot rub.” She arched an eyebrow.
Her hair was mussed and in knots around her face. Somehow, she already had a sheet mark on her face, and a tiny line of glitter-soaked drool on that same cheek. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot, and she was speckled with blood and smut.
I had never seen anything more perfect in my long life.
Rafe rolled his eyes, dipping out of my thoughts. I hadn’t even noticed him in there, which concerned me more than a little. I didn’t want the void gaining even more knowledge of Sanctuary and its treasures. I watched him rise, taking a cloth diaper to hand to her.
“What?” she asked.
He gestured to her face with one clawed hand. “You have some drool on your cheek.”
She just blinked, still half asleep. “Where?”
“There.” He pointed at his own cheek.
“I’m still not sure where,” she said, pouting. “You do it.”
He went down on one knee, then both. The cloth held between two fingers, he wiped at her cheek while she sat trustingly, her eyes shut. “There,” he murmured and began to sit back, but she caught his arm, bringing the cloth back to her face.
“There’s still more,” she said. “Smut, too.” While he cleaned her gently, I watched, my heart almost bursting. But not with envy or jealousy.
It was filled with love. Seeing the man who had been my closest friend in the universe being coaxed into physical touch, both tending to and being tended so subtly by the woman he loved? It was heartrendingly beautiful.
A vision I’d had only days before echoed in my mind. Hold fast. Be true. Let her show you how to love. I had been almost certain it was the Singer’s voice in that vision, speaking of Feather. Of the way she loved without reservation.
Feather didn’t even glance at me, but I heard her whispered thought in my mind.
I know we’re all stuck in here together, Gavriel.
I know we have to leave soon, or try to.
And I know there’s a chance… there’s a chance we won’t make it.
A tear slid down her face, and Rafe caught it, murmuring low as he used it to wipe all the smut on her face away, moving the cloth to her shoulders, then her arms and hands.
He was exceedingly careful with his claws, though the tip of his forked tongue crept out as he worked, and he caught it between his fangs in concentration.
I would never… she began, then blushed. I shouldn’t ask now.
But I had an idea. She sent me an image of a sleeping princess in a tower being woken with a kiss.
Then Rafe was the princess, and Feather was the one leaning over him.
Naked, of course. When I was with Mikhail and Righteous, after I took on the smut of Sanctuary, she thought, her inner voice a mere thread, the smut changed to glitter.
It just… fell away. And it happened today as well, once.
She wanted to try and turn his armor into glitter by the application of… naked kisses? I bit my lip to keep from smiling. It might work. She sent a mental shrug. Rafe continued to clean her, and I did feel him in my mind then, almost timid. Unsure.
You’ve loved him your whole life, I replied, knowing he was listening.
If this is what you want, what you need…
I sent her a memory of when I made my vow.
I had kneeled before her in the Maker Hall and promised, “I vow on my wings to be a friend to you. To be a better Angelus, one worthy of that friendship. Never to be cruel to you again, little one.”
It would be more than cruel to deny you this moment, Feather.
Even if I may never be your lover, I am your friend.
Her shaky smile was a bloom more lovely than any rose I’d ever seen, and I knew what I had to say.
And do. You do not need my blessing, but I will not hesitate to give it, if doing so will ease your concern.
Your love is the only reason he still exists.
He needs you now, and deserves your affection.
Love each other; I would not stand in the way.
I did stand then, picking up two of the largest sofa cushions and walking over to the door. “I’m going to sleep here. It’s darker, and I need the rest.” Then I folded my tattered wings around me, closed my eyes, and pretended to sleep.