Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
VALEN
“Are you a Dom?”
That question stops me in my tracks. Her experience with that lifestyle is probably limited to Fifty Shades of Grey, and now I’m kicking myself for not having this conversation before I plunged three fingers deep into her pussy.
Even if it seemed like the best course of action at the time.
I attempt to remove my fingers, but she whines before clamping her legs closed around my arm.
“We should talk before we go any further,” I say.
“No. I just… I don’t know what to say.”
Still, I don’t remove my fingers, especially when she flutters around them. I think I hear my jaw crack as I bite down to keep myself from doing anything else stupid.
“Okay,” she says, gasping in breaths and attempting to appear calm, but the pulse in her neck is racing into the next zip code. “So you have sex in public?”
My eyebrows reach for my hairline. “No,” I say carefully, not wanting to kink shame her if that’s her thing. Fuck, is she into that? “Voyeurism isn’t my thing.”
She frowns, and it’s so damn cute I want to lick her entire body. Not a normal reaction for me.
“Whips? Chains? Oh my God. Do you DP? Who do you DP with? Do you expect me to DP? Do I get aftercare? A safe word? I can’t be a sex slave. I wouldn’t be very good at it anyway because I ask too many questions.”
What the hell is she talking about?
“I can tell you right now that I don’t like pain,” she continues. “I’m scared of it even. And the dark, but you already knew that, so I couldn’t like, be locked in a cage or anything.”
Her body stiffens, and only then do I remember that I’m still fingering her. Slowly, I ease my fingers out, and her keening makes me want to ram my cock into her warmth and never leave.
“Hold on, Clover.” Apparently, she has more knowledge than I expected. Perhaps that makes me a misogynistic prick, I have no idea. But her questions lead to some of my own. “How the hell do you know about double penetration?”
“It’s a thing, right? I read about it all the time in romance novels…” She tilts her head to the side, as though she’s imagining it happening in her mind, and a jealous roar vibrates in my chest. “I don’t see how it works. Like, how do two penises fit in that one hole? Seems painful.”
“Jesus Christ.” This has gone off the rails.
“And how do you position yourself next to another guy so that can even work? Wouldn’t you have, like, a butt in your face?”
“Okay, hold on. Double penetration is not happening anywhere near you, Clover.”
Her face falls. What the actual fuck? Was she thinking about it? Is that something I could do for her?
No. No fucking way am I sharing her after I only just found her.
She taps her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe I could be a sex slave, but like a gentle one. You know, where you boss me around in the bedroom, but not in the real world.”
“That’s not what a sex slave—” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “We’re so far off track here.”
“When you go to the club, do you go alone? Is there someone waiting for you? Do you have multiple partners?”
My spinning head can’t keep up with her.
“Back to the whips and chains,” she says. “That’s a hard no for me. Bondage too. I don’t think I’d like to be tied up. But—”
I can’t take another minute of this.
Surging forward, I take ownership of her lips just to stop the incessant questions about what my sex life was like…before her.
I plunder. I ravage. I seek comfort in her taste, her arms, her.
When she’s gasping for breath and dazed, I finally pull back.
“The club caters to the wealthy elite and to…all tastes,” I say.
“Mine, however, are straightforward. The women I’ve been with, and to be clear, I can count them on one hand, understand that there’s no kissing, no lingering glances, no intimacy.
It’s a transaction. One where we both submit to STI checks and always use protection. ”
Tears well in her eyes, and my gut clenches. I’m fucking this all up.
She pulls herself up to the headboard, then tucks her knees into her chest. “I—I can’t have a relationship like that, Valen. I—I’m sorry. I—”
“Fuck no. Of course you won’t.” My voice is too loud, and she flinches. It’s the first time since leaving Happiness that she’s reverted to her jumpy, fearful ways because of me, and I hate myself for lashing out, so I use all my energy to control myself.
“I like your hands on me. I like kissing you until I swallow your moans. Everything I’ve required in my past is in complete contradiction to what I want with you.”
Her face softens, the tears slowing, and then I watch as something extraordinary happens. The tension drains from her shoulders. The protective curl of her spine straightens. She stops tapping her fingers against the mattress.
It’s like watching armor fall away, piece by piece, until all that’s left is Clover. Just Clover. Trusting me with the parts of herself she’s learned to protect with everything she has.
“Why me? Why am I so different?”
The truth rushes out before I can process it. “Because it’s only ever been you, Clover.”
Her chin quivers, and it guts me because I did that to her. “So you want me to kiss you?”
“Yes,” I sigh as though I just got every wish I’ve ever begged for.
“You’ll never be a transaction, Honeybee.
When you’re near me, I—I feel whole. I want to look into your eyes as I sink balls deep in you.
I want to hold you after. I want to fucking cuddle, and that’s never happened before.
I want to wake up with your head on my chest and my hands on your breasts. I just want—”
She launches herself at me as though her legs are attached to springs. I catch her with a grunt and tumble to the bed with her straddling my waist.
Clover cradles my cheeks in her small palms. It’s a gentle gesture, one filled with kindness and truth. With honesty, loyalty, and above all else, it’s filled with love.
Then her grin changes her entire face. “I just need to know if you’re clear of STIs. And if you want me. Here. Like this. With all of my…quirks and fears.”
My heart rearranges itself into something with only enough space for Clover.
Instead of answering right away, I flip her. She’s a wild mass of limbs and hair as I come down on top of her. “I would never endanger you, sweetheart. Never. I’m clear, and I want all of you.”
Her lashes flutter, then she spreads her thighs to grant me more access. And as she does, something clicks into place inside my chest.
Not a memory—something deeper. A bone-crushing recognition that this is where I belong.
Turns out, home has honey-colored eyes and a heart brave enough to love someone who forgot her.
Her hands fall to the string of my sweatpants, and I press myself up onto my forearms to give her room. With trembling fingers, she makes quick work of the tie before I take over and strip us both naked.
“If you keep staring at me like that, Clover, I can’t be held responsible for what I do.”
She scoffs and shakes her head. “You’re going to destroy me with that thing.”
Settling back over her, I guide my crown through her lower lips until it’s pressing against her clit.
Clover arches her back with a shuddering breath I feel all the way to my bones.
“I’ll try to be gentle,” I vow, lowering my mouth and taking her nipple between my teeth.
Back and forth I slide, coating myself in her arousal.
“Fuck,” I growl. “I don’t have a condom.”
“Please,” she begs prettily. “Valen, please. I’m on the pill.”
Her trust collects my heart in a steel trap, and only she holds the key. After everything she just learned, she still trusts me. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” The conviction in that one word is all the permission I need.
Notching myself at her entrance, I take a deep breath. She’s so fucking tight. A flash of fear crosses my mind—I might actually hurt her.
Sadness clobbers me upside the head. I don’t remember our first time.
“Did it hurt?” My voice is too raw. Too scared to know the answer. “Our first time. Did I hurt you?”
The glazed look in her eyes shifts as she studies me. “No, Valen. You’ve never hurt me. Not intentionally.”
Relief has my eyes fluttering closed. “I wish I remembered, Clover. Fuck. I wish I remembered. You feel like someone I was always supposed to know. You feel like my forever, and I don’t remember how we got here. I hate myself for that.”
I slide into her. Just a half an inch that has us both hissing. She wasn’t wrong. I might destroy her. I’m long, but I’m also fucking thick, and hurting her will break me more than anything else in my life.
How the fuck did I do this as an idiot teenager?
“I’ve always remembered enough for the both of us,” she says quietly.
“Was it good? Our first time?” I ask, as another inch disappears inside her. I’ve never required so much self-control.
She giggles, and the action sucks me into her body another inch. “We were teenagers, Valen. It was awkward and messy. But it was also so full of love. I wouldn’t have wanted my first time to be any other way. It always had to be you.”
Slowly, I press forward, and she hisses in pain. I pause, pressing my thumb to her clit, and rub in small circles until she relaxes.
“This is like a do-over for me, Honeybee. I’ve fucked, but I’ve never made love, not that I remember. And tonight? Tonight, I’m going to love you over and over again.” I push home, her body seizing and contorting to accommodate the sudden intrusion.
She claws at my forearms as her head thrashes from side to side. Her core spasms around me, and I know she won’t last long.
I drag my hips back, and her eyes flutter open, landing on mine in a heated daze.
“You were my first, Clover Danforth, and now you’ll be my last.”
Her mouth opens, but no words come as I slam into her again, my assault on her clit picking up pace to match my even thrusts.
I meant it when I said I’d never made love before.
But that’s what this is. It’s the thrill of fucking wrapped in the safety of lovemaking.
It’s everything.
And it’s not something I’ll ever get enough of.
“Valen.” She moans my name, the most erotic sound I’ve ever heard.
“What, baby girl? What do you need?” I ask, her nails digging crescent moon shapes into my chest.
“More,” she gasps. “Harder. You. All of you. Please.”
Her gaze is wild but only focused on me. I could get lost in her. I want to get lost in her.
I lower myself to my forearms, so they frame her head while I kiss her eyes, her nose, her forehead, all the while keeping up my long, slow, forceful thrusts.
I want this to last forever.
I need this to last forever.
She groans, long and low when I hitch her leg over my shoulder, adjusting our angle and hitting new heights. Her body responds as if she’s the bomb and I’m the trigger.
“You’ll get all my firsts and my lasts from now on, Clover.”
My thrusts break their leisurely pace. I’m going to come soon. “I don’t care what we find, or what we learn.”
She mewls, a shuddering breath of sound that makes my balls tighten. I’ll have half-moon scars all over my body by the time we’re done tonight, but I welcome the sting of pain she brings. It keeps me grounded and reminds me that she’s what life’s worth living for.
“I need you to come for me, Clover.”
Wide, panicked eyes find mine, and the second my lips crash down on hers, I pinch her clit between my thumb and forefinger.
She comes apart beneath me in an orchestra that weaves together our past and present, our want and need, our love and loyalty.
Her body trembles and shakes as I pump once, twice, three more times before my balls catch fire and I explode inside her—another first for me.
It’s long moments before she’s able to focus her gaze, and I hold myself in a plank position, admiring her the entire time as a sense of humility washes over me—this beautifully broken creature gave me this gift, not once, but twice.
“You’re fucking incredible, do you know that?”
“I. Brain. Ditto,” she mumbles, her lashes fanning heavily across her cheeks with one slow blink after another.
My chuckle vibrates through my body, causing our joined cum to leak out around the sides of my cock. The sensation has me hard again.
But I slip out of her and watch the white, sticky mess slide down her pussy toward her ass with a caveman-like sense of satisfaction.
My future has always been Clover. I know it with complete certainty and utter peace.
I clean her gently with a warm washcloth that she barely protests more than a low moan, then I gather her against my chest. She trembles—not from cold or fear, but from the aftermath of being so completely undone—so I pull the fucking quilt over us, and she burrows into me like I’m her lifeline.
Mental note—invest in some goddamn quilts.
“Valen?” Her voice is small. Sleepy. Vulnerable in a way that tugs at my soul.
“Yeah, Honeybee?”
“I didn’t count,” she says it like a confession. Like a miracle. “The whole time. I didn’t count once.”
My throat tightens. It’s a reminder that even during times when she should have felt completely safe, she wasn’t always.
I press my lips to her hair and hold her closer. “That’s because you were,” I whisper. “You’ll always be safe with me.”
She’s asleep within minutes, her breath evening out against my chest. But I remain awake a while longer, watching the rise and fall of her shoulders, memorizing the weight of her in my arms.
Tomorrow, we face whatever’s waiting in Peachvale. But tonight, I hold the only thing that’s ever felt like mine.