Chapter 5 #3
“He was everything to my clan. He held them together when one half wanted to attack the English and the other half just wanted peace.”
Sin nodded as if he understood and she felt a sudden connection with him, though why she would feel such she couldn’t imagine. “Your uncle is laird now?”
“Aye. They wanted to elect me, but I refused. I knew such a thing would hurt my brother, Dermot. He already feels very competitive with me because of our mothers. I had no wish to make it worse for him.”
Sin took a bite of pheasant. “What about your mothers would make him feel competitive?”
“My mother was cousin to King David.” Callie paused as she saw hatred flare in his eyes at the mention of the former Scottish king. “You don’t like him?”
“Let’s just say the one time I met him, we did not get along.”
“But he was such a good man.”
Sin looked away.
Callie swallowed her nervousness. Would his hatred of her cousin spill over onto her? There was no doubt that Sin had no use whatsoever for David, but she couldn’t imagine why. Davey had been nothing but kind to her when she had lived at his court.
“And Dermot and Jamie’s mother?” he asked.
“She was a very young shepherdess. I was Jamie’s age when my father met her after my mother died. He fell in love and married her within a month’s time.”
Sin’s gaze dropped to his trencher. “Do you remember your mother?”
Callie smiled as happiness welled up inside her. It always did that when she remembered her mother. “Aye. She was beautiful and kind. An angel. I was only five when she passed, but I remember so much of her.”
She saw the sadness in his eyes.
“What of you? Tell me of your mother.”
“What about your stepmother?” he asked, instead of answering her question. “Was she kind to you?”
What a peculiar question, but then given the way most people looked upon stepparents, maybe it wasn’t so strange after all. “Morna is wonderful. You’ll like her much, I think. She’s been trying to find me a husband.”
He frowned at that. “Why haven’t you married before now?”
Callie drew in a deep breath as she thought about it. In truth, she’d always wanted to be a wife and mother. She could think of nothing better than having a home filled with children.
“My betrothed died before we married,” she whispered, “then my father died before I had a chance to look for another. Since his death, I haven’t wanted to even consider it for fear someone would use me to try and take control of the clan from my uncle.”
“Peace is important to you.”
“Very much so. I’ve lost enough of my family. I’ve no wish to lose more.”
His black gaze searched hers and she saw the respect he felt for her. It warmed her greatly. “You’re very wise, Caledonia.”
“Callie.” She smiled gently. “My family and friends all call me Callie.”
Sin stared at her, amazed she would offer him her nickname. In that moment, he could almost let himself dream of a life with her. Of sharing endless nights like this.
But in his heart, he knew better. He wasn’t the kind of man a woman like this needed.
“Do you want children?” The question slipped out before he could stop it.
She blushed. “Aye. I would love to have dozens of them.”
His groin tightened at the thought. At the moment, he would love to offer his services, but that was another thing he could never do.
“And you?” she asked. “How many children do you want?”
“None.”
“Not even a son?”
He shook his head. “I don’t want any children. Ever.”
“Why?”
Sin clenched his teeth. He didn’t want children because he refused to bring anyone so defenseless into this bitter world. Look at her brother. Her father was dead and Jamie and her were both left to the hands of his enemies.
He would never take such a chance. Never allow a child of his to suffer.
“Men like me don’t father children.”
“What do you mean? Are you …” She paused as color flooded her cheeks and her gaze dropped down to the bulge. “Not … um … capable?” His jaw went slack as he realized where her thoughts were. “Nay! Of course, I can!”
The humor returned to her eyes. “Oh, well you said—”
“But I didn’t mean it the way you took it.”
“Then why don’t you want children?”
Sin bristled at a topic he no longer wanted to discuss. “This subject is closed.”
Callie realized he wasn’t going to give her anything more than that. Very well, she would work on learning answers later. For now, she would focus on other things.
“What did you do today?” she asked. “You said you went into town.”
“I was making plans to leave for Scotland.”
Her heart soared. “You’re taking me home?”
“Aye.”
“When?”
“Day after tomorrow.”
Joy ripped through her. Thoughtless in her excitement, she launched herself into his arms and squeezed him tight as her heart pounded.
Sin sat in shock as she wrapped herself around him. No one had ever hugged him before. Not once. He swallowed at the sensation of her bosom flattened against his chest, of her breath on his neck and the tenderness of her arms around his neck.
She felt wonderful.
Awkwardly, he placed his own arms around her. His blood pounded through his veins as his body roared to life with a heated demand so fierce, it left him breathless.
All he could think of was the warmth of her body on his, the way her cheek felt pressed against his.
Before he realized what he was doing, he tilted her chin up with his hand and lowered his mouth to her parted lips.
Sin moaned at the taste of her. The feel of her breath mingling with his as her tongue hesitantly swept against his. She smelled of woman and lilacs, of pure, blissful heaven. He cupped her face in his hands, and just inhaled the scents and feelings of the only tender moment he’d ever known.
His blood rushed in his ears as his body burned for her and it took every ounce of his strength not to unlace her gown and sample more of her.
Sample all of her.
Callie’s head swam at the taste of the man, of the power of his arms around her. His tongue teased hers relentlessly. A deep-seated ache threatened to overwhelm her as he stirred feelings and sensations in her body she’d never before known.
His arms tightened around her body and she could feel the muscles of his back flexing beneath her hands. Goodness, but he was all solid muscle. All manly power.
And she wanted him in a way she’d never wanted anything. The female in her awoke with such a ferocious demand that she was amazed it didn’t incinerate her. What was this fire inside her? This ache she had to strip off his clothes and touch every part of him with her hands. Her lips.
For the first time in her life, she understood what her friends meant when they spoke in hushed whispers about their husbands. No wonder they blushed and giggled.
Kissing was wonderful!
He ran his hands down her back to her ribs.
Callie throbbed even more as she arched against him.
Instinctively, she rubbed herself against the bump in his chausses.
He answered her with an animalistic growl as he deepened his kiss and moved his hand to cup her breast through the fabric of her gown. She moaned at the feel of him.
Sin hissed at the way her breast overfilled his hand. At the way she tasted of such sweet innocence and fire. Her hands sought out his body, stroking him, inflaming him. And all he could think of was laying her back and...
He pulled back and stared at her half open eyes. Her lips were swollen as she breathed raggedly. He could just imagine how she would look in his bed. Imagine how it would feel to claim her.
Tomorrow, she would be his. He could take her then, over and over until they were both spent.
But in his heart, he knew that would never happen.
He would never allow that to happen.
“Why do you look at me that way?” she asked.
“What way is that?”
“Forlornly. You remind me of a child staring after something he thinks he can never have.”
Sin blinked and forced all the feelings from his body as he released her. He gently extricated himself from her and the temptation she offered. “I didn’t realize I was doing that.”
“You do it quite a bit actually.”
“Well then, I shall have to be more careful, shan’t I?”
She leaned forward as if to impart a great secret. “I think you’ve spent way too much time trying to keep anyone from seeing your emotions.”
He snorted at her. “Except for you. You seem to be able to see into my thoughts with uncanny accuracy.”
“My father claimed it was my mother’s blood. Legend has it her family came from the fey folk.”
Sin looked away. “I don’t believe in such tales.”
“I figured as much. You strike me as a man who will only believe in what he can see or touch.”
“Exactly.”
“But you know, sometimes it’s what you don’t see that has the most power.”
“Meaning?”
“Love for one thing. It’s the most powerful thing on earth and yet you can’t see it or touch it. You can only feel it.”
He shook his head at her whimsical words. “Spoken like a true romantic spirit.”
“You don’t believe it?”
“Remember what you said. I don’t believe in anything I can’t see or touch.”
“So, you’ve never been in love?”
“Nay. You?”
“Never.”
“Then how do you know it’s so powerful?”
“Morna told me all about it. She has it for my father even though he’s been dead nigh on three years.”
Sin didn’t like the direction of their conversation, so he sought to distract her to more familiar and comfortable things. “I’m sorry about your father. How did he die?”
“It was an accident in battle. His horse threw him while they were under attack.”
Sin picked at his food. He had seen many men perish in such a manner. “I’m glad you weren’t there when it happened.”
“I wasn’t, but poor Dermot was. He hasn’t been the same since.”
That, too, he had more than his share of experience. The sight of a young knight watching a relative die. It was indeed scarring. “That must have been terrible for him.”
She nodded. “What of you? Were you there when your brother died?”
“Nay. I was in the Holy Land when it happened.”
“Was it an accident for him as well?”
Sin swallowed. “Nay, he killed himself.”
She gasped at the news and quickly crossed herself. “The poor lad. Why?”
“He felt this love you speak of, and sadly the woman he loved didn’t return his devotion, but rather she ran away with our brother Ewan.” Kieran had been unable to deal with it.
That pain still burned inside Sin who cursed love and every misery it brought to those poor fools who fell for the lies.
“I can’t imagine anything worse.”
Sin could. In fact, he had lived through things much worse. But then life was nothing if not pain.
They ate in silence for a time while Callie studied her would be husband. There was such an air of reserved sadness to him. One of hurt vulnerability which made no sense to her.
How could a man so strong be so vulnerable?
“A mighty oak can be felled by even the tiniest of insects when one allows them to continually gnaw at it.” She hadn’t thought about her mother’s saying in a very long time. And yet it was true.
She had a feeling there was much that gnawed at the man before her. Though he carried an air of aloofness, surely it bothered him that everyone he met either bore him fear or hatred. How could it not?
When they finished eating, Sin escorted her to her room. Callie hesitated at the door.
Come the morning, the two of them would be united and she didn’t know much more about him now than she had before.
“Thank you, Sin, for humoring me this evening.”
Sin gave a subtle nod. He’d enjoyed this night much more than he cared to admit. Normally he took his meals in the silence of his own room. The sound of her voice had been a pleasant change.
Before he knew what she was doing, she placed a tender hand to his face, rose up on her tiptoes and kissed his left cheek. His breath caught at the sensation of her feathery light lips against his flesh. The warmth of her hand on him.
His body reacted instantly, hardening with desire for her and he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and make love to her for the rest of the night.
But he couldn’t seem to move. He was held immobile by her gentleness.
“Good night, Sin,” she breathed, leaving him.
He didn’t move until she’d stepped into her room and closed the door.
Sin stared at it, his heart pounding as desires he thought he had banished flooded him.
In the space of a few seconds, he remembered every time in his life he had ached for someone to hold him. For someone to even just pretend they cared for him. Reality had forced him long ago to stop thinking of such things. To stop yearning for desires that would never come true.
And yet...
That hope was back. It was back and it was crippling in its ferocity.
Don’t...
He knew better than to let himself be fooled. Foolish desires amounted to nothing but more pain. And he’d been dealt more than his fair share of that emotion.
Sooner or later, she would reject him. He held no doubts. And it would hurt a lot less if he kept himself away from her.
He would take her home to the wild hills that had birthed her and then he would set her free to find a man she could love. A man with whom she had something in common. Someone who knew how to dance and how to sing.
Someone who knew how to love.
And yet even as the thought crossed his mind, a part of his heart ached at the thought of her with another man.
But their relationship wasn’t meant to be. Sooner or later, he would have to let her go.