Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“ O h dearest, why do you look so distressed?”
Eleanor had tried her hardest to stifle the feeling threatening to boil over within her.
She had woken up that morning and knew that she could not stand the thought of being within the walls of her home. Her heart felt conflicted and heavy, her mind confused by all that had been transpiring for weeks.
The duchess felt tired and sick and in need of comfort and understanding. So she had gotten up as early as she could, dressed up for the day, and asked that the carriage be prepared.
As soon as she was in, she pulled her cloak closer and requested that she be taken to the Crauford’s estate. Somehow, Eleanor had managed to keep the raging storm inside herself from spilling out. But the moment she had settled her gaze upon her friend’s concerned expression, she very nearly burst into tears.
“Oh darling,” Selina whispered, putting her arms around her dear friend, clearly at a loss over what to do. “Tell me, dear. What is it? What do you need?”
Eleanor could not bring herself to say it, not yet. She still couldn’t put it in words, this feeling threatening to swallow her whole and consume her very soul. She had tried, but there was something holding her back, causing her to fall short every single time she got close enough to do it.
She recognized fear for what it was and hoped that eventually, she would be brave enough to face the changes to her heart that had occurred seemingly over time.
“I just… I need to not think, for a little bit. Please.” Eleanor begged her friend.
“Of course, Eleanor. We will do whatever you need – oh! I think I have just the thing!”
Barely twenty minutes later, they were back in a carriage – Selina’s this time – and they were going around to pick up their friends. Thalia had been amused when they arrived to collect her, Benedict very nearly following her along, only dissuaded by Selina’s look of disapproval. Nora looked pleasantly surprised to see her friends and seemed especially excited to be going on an unexpected adventure.
“So? Where are we going?” Thalia finally asked her sister with a smile.
“I heard there was to be a fair today, in the park. I thought it might be a refreshing change of pace. Let us see the sight, and explore whatever is being offered on the grounds. I received word that a famous chocolatier from France has come along to give London a taste of his delicious treats. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” Selina beamed, winking at Eleanor.
Eleanor could not deny that it sounded like a lovely idea, with the right amount of chaos and noise to keep the mess in her head at bay, even for a little while.
“A fair? I haven’t been to one in so long. They always had the most delicious treats at those!” Nora gasped, clapping her hands excitedly.
“Our father used to take us to fairs, festivals, traveling circus’ – whatever he could really – when we were younger. It was always so enchanting, filled with countless precious memories just waiting to be made,” Thalia said, giving her sister a fond smile.
“I have never been to one,” Eleanor admitted quietly.
“Never?” Selina questioned in surprise.
“Never,” Eleanor echoed with a shrug. “My parents… they always said that my time was better spent on my studies and lessons. I was allowed to attend parties when they hosted them because they wanted to show off their perfect daughter. Otherwise, I was neither seen nor heard. I would’ve liked to see on when I got older. But I did not have any friends and I thought it might look rather pathetic, roaming the fairgrounds all alone.”
The women glanced at each other and then Nora reached for one of Eleanor’s hands, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Well, you have us this time. And we will make sure that you have a great time.” She promised.
The other women agreed with the sentiment and Eleanor laughed, nodding as the ache in her chest began to fade, replaced by gentle warmth.
“All right,” Eleanor said with a small smile. “I look forward to it.”
Her friends had kept their word, holding onto Eleanor gently and guiding her down the fairgrounds. Each of them explained a fair attraction that they recognized and had no trouble convincing the others to get a closer look. They went forward playing the games, sampling the baked delights available, and watching performers stun the crowd of attendees.
After an hour, Eleanor felt like a young girl again, full of hopes and dreams, with a future so bright and full of endless possibilities.
There were parts of the park grounds that had open tents to provide a place for guests of the fair to sit and rest for a while and Selina wasted no time in renting one for the group when it became clear that the women had grown tired of roaming.
“This is the most fun I have had in quite a while,” Eleanor admitted with a smile.
“I feel inclined to agree with that. I can already hear my husband complaining over the fact that I had gone out and enjoyed myself so profusely without him,” Thalia teased and the rest of them laughed.
Eleanor felt a pang of envy echo in her chest and distracted herself with a piece of chocolate they had procured from the confectionary stand.
It hurt, but she acknowledged the fact that Frederick would not care where she had been. At worst, he might simply suspect her again of conspiring against him.
“–nor. Eleanor… Eleanor !”
“Yes?” Eleanor blinked, sitting up straight and glancing at her friend’s faces.
The women glanced between each other and refocused their attention back on her.
“We were wondering if you wanted some cider, but… are you all right pet?” Thalia asked concern etched onto her kind, beautiful features.
Eleanor cleared her throat and nearly replied that she was, an instinctive response that would only have dug her into a deeper hole of despair.
“I…” she inhaled deeply, held her breath for a moment, and then exhaled a statement. “I think I might love him. M-My husband.”
The women were silent for a bit, then Nora quipped softly,
“Oh.”
Eleanor swallowed around the lump in her throat and nodded awkwardly.
“I-I know I said I wasn’t sure last time – and I wasn’t. I didn’t know, but things had been going well between us. We were talking, sharing meals and I thought – I thought he meant to stay. But I don’t understand him one bit. I don’t know what he wants. And it hurts and terrifies me because I have been feeling things. I’ve been wanting more, been having dreams of the both of us, together. And I thought that… perhaps he felt the same. But…”
She stopped, afraid to say it. Afraid that if she acknowledged it outright, it would bring all her fantasies to an end and the loneliness would return and destroy her completely this time.
“But?” Thalia urged gently.
Eleanor shook her head slowly. “I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m tired. I’m tired of second-guessing his actions. I’m tired of not knowing what to expect. I am tired of hoping and dreaming, only to be met with frustration and disappointment in the end. Why is it never clear? Why does love have to be so difficult and exhausting?”
Selina sighed and put her arms around her friend.
“It isn’t always like that. Love is… it is work. It takes a lot out of you and demands everything you have. And if you are putting all of that in with the right person, the rewards are endless and bountiful. But getting there takes time. And it asks for an equal measure of at least interest to be put in for it to work out,” she said softly.
“And it won’t always feel equal. Sometimes you might think that you are giving more. You might think he doesn’t care as much as you do. And honestly, it cannot always be perfectly symmetrical. But as long as you both want the same things, then it will be all right, more often than not.” Nora added gently.
“Perhaps you need to speak with your husband and find out what it is he wants. If it aligns with your own wants, then perhaps you both can talk about it. That way, you do not have to sit all by yourself, wondering and waiting all alone.” Thalia advised.
Eleanor knew that talking might not come easily to them. After all, they spent most of their time arguing and setting boundaries or avoiding each other. And she was tired of being hurt by hope and feared she would not have the courage to pursue more with him.
“And if all of that fails, and you would rather cause him bodily harm, Aaron and Benedict are still ready and willing to teach him a thing or two,” Selina stated causally.
Eleanor was so surprised by how smoothly her friend introduced the statement that she could not help but let out a stunned laugh.
“I would rather not, but I appreciate the offer.” She told Selina.
The Duchess of Crauford shrugged and winked. “If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
“All that time with Aaron and he still hasn’t been able to rub off his calmness on you,” Nora sighed.
“Not for lack of trying,” Thalia pointed out. “He’s just given up because my sister is quite…”
“Lovely? Precious? Delightful?” Selina supplied with a grin.
Thalia nodded with a gentle smile. “Yes, dear. All of that. As well as incorrigible.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Eleanor giggled, feeling her heart receive more warmth.
“Thank you all. You are always so kind to me and I don’t know how I will ever hope to repay you for this –”
“You owe us nothing, my love,” Nora hushed her gently. “That’s what friends are for. To gain support and strength when you are in need of it. We would gladly do this over and over again for you. This and more. Do not think of things such as repaying us.”
Thalia held onto one of her hands and smiled warmly.
“The best thing you could do for us is to take care of yourself. Do not think your burden too great to be shared, do not hesitate to rely on us when you are too tired to deal with your problems alone. We want you to be happy and loved because you are our friend and we love you greatly.”
Selina gently wiped away Eleanor’s tears with her handkerchief and pulled her into her arms with an adoring coo, patting Eleanor’s back gently.
“There there,” she said softly. “You will be just fine, in time. You’ll see.”
Eleanor closed her eyes and allowed herself to get lost in the love and affection being offered to her, hoping that it would keep the broken pieces of herself long enough for them to heal.
By the time Eleanor arrived home, it was almost evening and she disembarked from the carriage with a light heart and renewed strength.
While she did not exactly eliminate all her worries about her relationship with Frederick, she believed that come what may, she would be strong enough to face it head-on.
As soon as she entered the house, Alice came rushing to her with a panicked expression.
“Your Grace! We have a situation. The duke –”
Before the maid could finish her statement, Eleanor heard her husband’s voice echo through the foyer of the mansion.
“Where on earth have you been?”
Her heart stuttered as she raised her gaze to find him standing at the top of the stairs, his expression dark and angry.
“We tried to tell him that you were likely visiting one of the other duchesses, but you were gone for so long and he only grew more upset –”
“It’s all right, Alice. I will handle this,” Eleanor shushed her maid gently and sent her away, sighing as the younger girl scurried away fearfully.
“I asked you a question, duchess,” Frederick stated, seething.
Eleanor sighed and began to walk up the stairs to meet him at the top, not wanting the entire household to bear witness to another one of their arguments.
“I was out, Your Grace. Surely I am allowed to do that, still. Or does it interfere with one of your lines?” she queried innocently when she arrived by his side.
“You think this is some sort of acceptable jest,” Frederick growled. “You were gone for most of the day! And I had no idea who you were with or where they were. And you expect me to have simply waited for your arrival?”
“Yes! You have been leaving the estate more lately, do not think I haven’t noticed. Why is it different and acceptable when you do it? You disappear without a word to me, leaving me to wonder where you have gone to, wondering when you will return. And upon your return, you do not see it fit to seek me out, and yet, here you are, waiting for me as though I have committed some sort of sin –”
Eleanor had barely gotten the last statement out when Frederick grabbed her by the wrist and began to drag her through the hall. She felt herself go lax in his grip, unable to stop herself from folding at the touch she had desired for so long. As though he sensed her resistance wither away, his grip loosened, although he didn’t stop, continuing to pull her until she found herself in an unfamiliar room.
Before she could get a good sense of her bearings, he pressed her against the door, his body the only thing holding her up as he said firmly,
“You are so infuriating. I was worried about you! Do you understand? I was moments – mere moments, from going out there to look for you myself, because you were missing for most of the day. And all the members of our staff had to say were speculations about where you might be, with no one bearing an ounce of certainty that you could be found if I went to the dwelling of whoever they believed you to be with. It was frustrating and I was worried sick, Eleanor. So do not play games of fairs with me right now.”
Eleanor stared up at him, shocked.
He… he was worried about me? Why? Is there some danger afoot that I am unaware of? These were all questions she wanted to ask, but her mind felt stuck on the fact that he cared enough to worry, regardless of the reason.
“Why?” she asked softly.
“Why what?” he asked back, exasperated and tense.
“Why were you worried about me?”
“As your husband, I am allowed to be, no?” he queried, cooly.
“No,” she stated curtly. “That is not enough. That has never been enough. As I said, what I have chosen to invest my time in is none of your business. I had no right to be worried about you, and thus, you do not get to suddenly grow concerned over my affairs either.”
Frederick clenched his hands into a fist and his jaw tensed up, as though he were battling internally with himself. It was then Eleanor realized that she had been watching him with bated breath, the lack of distance between them proving to be as strong a distraction as it had always been.
“I do not know what games you are playing, but I am tired, Your Grace. If that will be all, I would like to return to my duties.” She added lowly, dropping her gaze.
Eleanor expected him to dismiss her then. She thought he might give a lax, halfhearted response at most.
But none of her expectations or guesses were met.
Instead, he cupped her cheeks with both his hands and drew her into a kiss.