Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“ Y ou look absolutely gorgeous.”
Eleanor blushed at the compliment, wondering how long it would take for his words to stop affecting her so greatly.
“Thank you. You look handsome as well, if not a tad mischievous.” She teased, her heart fluttering as took her hand and raised it to his lips. “Just what are you planning?”
Frederick had cornered her in her study the day before, much to her mild annoyance, because they could not seem to keep their hands off each other whenever they were alone together.
She had all but begged him to stop coming into her study while she was working, but she did not because she was just as guilty of leaving her own work to find him, for the sole purpose of acquiring a kiss.
At first, it had started innocently, with him needing to ask for her opinion on their household budget for the summer. Before she knew what was happening, he was seated in her chair and she was on his thighs, being kissed utterly breathless.
“ What are you doing tomorrow? ’ he had asked, trailing kisses down the length of her throat.
Eleanor, who could barely remember her own name at that point, much less her schedule, merely whined.
Frederick had chuckled and he said, “ I want to go on a walk with you tomorrow afternoon. Just the two of us, strolling around the estate grounds. What do you say? ”
What had been left for her to say? She agreed so he could go back to putting his sinful mouth to good use.
And now that she thought about it, it was quite odd that he would ask her out on such an outing. Then again, he had declared to make it up to her and perhaps he thought inviting her on an activity he had once rejected would help.
And he was quite right.
“Only to spend my afternoon basking in your glorious beauty,” Frederick said with a smile, offering up his arm.
She took it instantly, clinging to him as he led her out of the house.
The weather was almost perfect, with a cool breeze blowing and white, soft-looking clouds floating across the sky. The only downside was how sunny it was, but thankfully, Eleanor had prepared her parasol and she held it above them both.
“Let me,” Frederick said, reaching for it.
“I’ve got it,” she pulled her hand out of reach. “Flatterer.”
“Only the best for you,” he told her with a coy smile.
When they began their walk, Eleanor realized that it had been a while since she just… roamed around the estate. She used to do so when she first came to the manor, spending hours just wandering, overwhelmed by the thoughts weighing down her mind heavily.
She would get lost and later find her way again, miss meals and sometimes, she just disappeared, hiding in corners until she was able to bring herself back to a suitable state of calm.
But now, her fears had melted away and her loneliness had faded, leaving her with a heart that lightened with each step they took.
As they moved, Frederick pointed out some parts of the property that held some of the few normal memories he had of his childhood. The bench that used to have a duck pond before it, where his mother liked to sit and feed the birds bits of bread. A grove that he remembered used to look very nice during autumn when the leaves had turned a warm mix of orange and brown hues. The shed he used to hide in to eat the treats his mother let him have without his father’s knowledge.
It was bittersweet, learning about him and hearing his story. She wished he could have been happier growing up, happier and safer. But she knew that it was now up to her to ensure he would get to experience such feelings in the future. Eleanor had already pledged to be his happiness and his safety.
Soon, he led her down a bend that cut through a cluster of trees. She knew where they were headed, blushing at the memory of when he had gone missing and she had found him swimming in the lake without a shirt.
“Why are we going this way?” Eleanor questioned curiously.
“I just thought it would be nice to watch the water for a while. I promise I won't drag you in to swim with me.” Frederick teased.
“Thank goodness,” she responded in kind with a smile.
“Do you trust me?” he asked gently, just before they stepped through the trees.
Eleanor didn’t falter or hesitate, lifting her gaze up to meet his as she said, “Yes. Always.”
Frederick rewarded her with a smile and led her through, both of them taking in the view of the shimmering water, serenely reflecting the greenery around it.
Eleanor let it steal her breath as it often did whenever she said it, so distracted by the natural beauty before her eyes that she almost failed to notice that more had been prepared for her.
It was only when Frederick steered her in a different direction that she noticed that a blanket had been spread at the edge of the water, under the shade of a large oak tree. There was a basket on it, with what looked like a bottle of wine peeking out of it.
“My goodness,” Eleanor gasped in surprise. “What is this?”
Frederick smiled as he took her hand and led her to settle down comfortably on the blanket, helping her put her parasol away as he said,
“An attempt to woo my wife, like I should have a long time ago. Is it to your liking, duchess?”
Eleanor’s voice was soft as she nodded. “It is absolutely perfect.”
Once Frederick was certain she was very comfortable, he poured her a glass of wine and began to set out the pastries and treats that had been in the basket. Then he arranged a plate for her and offered it, beaming proudly as she took it happily.
“I wanted to do this right. Circumstances beyond our control kept us from having a proper courtship before we were married and while I have no regrets marrying you – and I never will – I still want to do things properly for us both. I want you to know just how important you are to me.” Her husband told her gently.
It made her happy to see how hard he was trying to be better for her, to refresh their stale, bitter beginning into something much gentler and purposeful.
They fell into a comfortable silence as the serenity of the sights and sounds that surrounded the lake fell upon them as they ate their pastries and drank their wine. Eleanor could feel Frederick’s eyes on her and when she was unable to ignore the heat in her cheeks any longer, she looked up at him with a playful glare.
“Can I help you, my lord? You have been staring at me for quite a while, now.”
Frederick had leaned back a little into a relaxed position on the mat, resting on one elbow as his gaze raked over her gracefully poised form."
“I am just in awe of you, my dear. You make the most simple things look regal and graceful. I truly am lucky to have married a jewel as beautiful as you.” He told her earnestly.
"Well, dear husband, I have had years of practice when it comes to maintaining my composure, thanks to my mother's desire for the perfect child. So much so, it has become second nature to me to simply be this way, even when I do not feel like it." She replied as the corners of her lips quirked upward.
She had not meant to sound a little vulnerable, but Frederick heard it in her tone anyway, and he sat up, trading his playful expression for a serious one.
"That bothered me the most when we parted ways for the last time. I did not like that you felt you had to put up this wall, to pretend that you were fine with the stupid decisions I had made." He said.
Eleanor noticed the weight of his tone, almost as if he was hesitant to discuss it. But she knew they had no choice. If they were to have a clean slate and start over, it was best if they had wrung out all the bad feelings or thoughts in the open.
“I did not think I would ever need to,” she started as she set her place down and turned so she could stare at the water stretching farther than she could see from where she sat. “At the beginning of our marriage, I was terrified. I felt as though my life and all the dreams I had held in my heart for the longest time had gone up in smoke. Still, I wanted to try to make it work. But you made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me and I had to shoulder all of my feelings of rejection and unworthiness alone.”
Frederick leaned towards her and said through gritted teeth.
“You weren’t unworthy, Eleanor. It was me. I was the coward who believed that all I would bring was pain and ruin, just like my father. So I had left intending to spare you the inevitable hurt I believed I would eventually incur."
"But all that managed to do was actually hurt me. All you did then was hurt me. I thought about you, of what we could have been so much. I even had dreams about you. And it always felt like I had a wound in my chest that seemed as though it would never heal. I even began to believe that the rumors might have been true. Perhaps I was undeserving of love. Perhaps I was just not good enough because I couldn't seem to make you stay somehow."
Frederick quickly took hold of her hands, his grip warm, yet firm.
“You are perfect, Eleanor. You have always been more than enough for me. I am the one who fell short. I thought that if I put enough distance between us, you would regain the happiness our marriage had stolen from you. I thought you would find someone less destructive and much better for you than I could be. But all that managed to accomplish was take away time we could have spent building our marriage. Time we’ll never be able to get back.”
Eleanor raised their joined hands and pressed them to her chest, her voice soft as she told him,
“There’s no way for us to change the past, my love. But we can choose to be better, to do better with the time we have now.”
Frederick seemed to hesitate for a moment and then he turned his head to look out to the lake as she had been before. Eleanor waited for him patiently, allowing him to gather as much courage as he felt he needed. Finally, his lips parted and he spoke in a tone she had never heard from him before, low and heavy.
“I’ve never told anyone this before, because it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to speak of. But I want you to know me. All of me, even the parts of me that are ugly. I want you to understand why this – letting you in, was so difficult for me.”
Eleanor nodded silently, squeezing his hands slightly to let him know she had all his attention.
With a deep exhale, he began with his gaze still firmly locked onto the water.
"I have told you about my father. His cruelty, his expectations, and demands that he placed not just on me but my mother as well. But I never told you just how bad things were between my parents. So many of my memories from the early years of my life are of me hiding away as my father screamed at my mother. The only time I'd hear her voice was when she begged him. Eventually, it wasn't enough to just yell and snap at her and he began to hit her. She always tried to assure me that it was all going to be fine and that I shouldn’t worry.”
Eleanor heard his voice shake slightly and her heart broke at the sound of it. She squeezed his hands again, hoping it would convey some comfort to him.
“My mother was a lot of things, but she lacked your strength and bravery, Eleanor. She did what she could to endure it for years, hoping and praying that he might one day become a changed man and love her as much as she loved him. But he never did. He never cared for us, not when he had his mistresses to distract himself with. He did not even try to hide his affairs – which is why it did not surprise me to learn he had another child with one of them – and it seemed as though he wanted to show my mother that she was nothing to him. Whilst I merely served as a reminder of her.
“She fell ill after a bad fight with my father. The physician said her heart had carried far too many burdens – pain and stress – and it was unclear if she would ever recover. She never did. She passed away while holding my hand, after promising me that she wouldn’t leave. I was only seven years old then.”
Eleanor’s heart began to ache for her husband and a tear rolled down her cheek as he continued, his voice shaky.
“Afterwards, my father couldn’t even be bothered to pretend that he cared. He shipped me off to a boarding school to forget about my existence while I was away and when I was home, he was cruel and strict, claiming it was for my benefit, so I would grow up a strong and reliable duke. And all that time, thought love was dangerous and destructive, especially to the one who loved the most. And a part of me feared that as much as I abhorred him, I would turn out to be exactly like him. So I told myself to keep people at arm's length, so I would never hurt anyone or let them hurt me the way my father had hurt her.”
Eleanor could no longer hold herself back. She went on her knees, leaned forward, and wrapped her arms around Frederick in a tight embrace.
“Oh, my love, I am sorry. I am so sorry that you had to face all of that as a mere child. No one should have to live with such pain and loneliness.”
His arms wrapped around her and he buried his face in her neck.
“I don’t know how to leave it all behind, Eleanor. I am trying but I still feel haunted because I have carried it with me for years. That was why I pushed you away when we first got married. I was still convinced that love would destroy us both, scared it would ruin both our lives.”
Eleanor leaned back a bit and held his face in her hands, making sure her eyes were looking into his.
“Don’t you see, darling? Love did not come close to destroying you. But fear nearly did. I am here for you now, though. You do not need to be afraid anymore, because I will stand right here, by your side. Just as I had vowed to on your wedding day, I will love you through every difficult and unsavory moment you must overcome. You will not travel this journey alone.”
Frederick sighed, leaning his forearm against hers.
“I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it, Eleanor. I don’t know how you can love me, despite all the ways I have disappointed and failed you.”
Eleanor smiled and kissed his cheeks softly.
“Easy. I am only ever looking at you, as you stand before me. I regard you as the man that I know you are, rather than judge you for the mistakes you have made. You are so kind and generous, thoughtful and loyal. And you are so incredibly strong – more so than you realize. And I believe that someday, we will build something spectacular together. Something that will always be out of reach from your past.”
Frederick pulled her back to rest against his chest, mumbling into her ear, “I cannot wait. I love you.”
She smiled, comforted by his calm heartbeat that she could hear with her head pressed to his chest.
“And I love you as well. So much.”
They sat there like that for a while, and then Frederick sighed deeply.
“I have ruined the mood with my somber tale. I apologize.”
Eleanor shook her head quickly.
“Do not say that. I am glad we got to have this conversation. It was very important for both of us.”
“Still… I wanted to show you how serious I was about doing right by you. Because I understand I have a lot of making up to do. And I have with me a token of my promise to woo you properly.”
Confused, she sat up, her eyes wide as he put his hand into the pocket of his coat and retrieved a small velvet box.
“Frederick… you didn’t – what is this?” she stuttered as he placed it into her hands.
“You will have to open it to find out, my love.” He urged softly.
Slowly, Eleanor lifted the lid of the box and gasped at the sight of a gold bracelet. The band was delicate, seemingly twisted to look, like the vines of a plant. And it was adorned with tiny gleaming petals that had been made to look like –
“Orchids. Those are orchid petals. Oh, Frederick,” she whimpered, eyes filling with tears again.
It was clear it had been made by a spectacular craftsman, especially with how the petals caught the light, sparkling beautifully.
“I remembered that you said orchids were your favorite flowers. So I had it custom-made, just for you. Because you are my orchid – resilient, elegant, and utterly and uniquely beautiful."
Eleanor laughed wetly and she held the box out to him.
He understood what she wanted wordlessly, taking the bracelet out of the box and carefully fastening it around her wrist. Then he raised her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to her skin.
“This is so beautiful, Frederick. Thank you. Thank you so much. I will cherish it for as long as I can. But what means the most to me is knowing that you’re finally by my side. Where you are meant to be.”
Frederick cooed at her and gently brushed away the tears streaming down her face.
"I am one truly fortunate bastard. It is a mystery how I spent years believing I would never be loved and somehow managed to be blessed by you. Choosing to stay with me and love me."
“I spent my life overwhelmed by the notion that I had so much love to give, but with nowhere for it to go. Not until I met you. Frederick, don’t you see? We were meant to be together. You needed to be loved and I desired to love. You were made just for me, and I for you.”
Their lips met then, the kiss they shared a tender promise to walk together into the future they were building together.
"I take it this means that I have your permission to spoil you, dote on you, and win your heart over and over while I court you properly?" he teased with a grin.
Eleanor laughed, running a hand through his hair.
“My heart is yours already, dear husband. But yes, you have my permission. Only if I can return the favor as well.”
He responded by kissing her again and they remained by the lakeside for hours after that, laughing, talking, and dreaming of the life awaiting them ahead of their fresh start.
One that would hold years' worth of love and trust that they had missed out on.