Chapter 12 #3
“I appreciate your understanding.” A current of amusement ran through Gabriel’s voice, before it dipped back into somberness.
“More than that, I’m angry with myself. How can I blame you for not leaving when I can’t either?
Even knowing it might save your life, I’m selfish enough that I let you convince me to stay.
I’ve watched you die and I’m still too weak to walk away from you.
” Miles had guessed as much—partially from his conversation with Emily, partially from the emotions he’d sensed in Gabriel tonight—but he let Gabriel talk.
It was important he got out what he needed to.
“I feel so guilty when I look at you. All I want is to know that I can save you, so I don’t have to hate myself for wanting to be with you. ”
“I don’t have some magic answer,” Miles finally said. “I had to choose to believe in a better future. That was the only way I could keep doing this without losing it.”
Blankets rasped as Gabriel shifted. “I don’t have your optimism,” he admitted. “I’m trying to believe that I was given the premonition of your death so I can save you, but I’m afraid that nothing I do will matter.”
“It matters.” Miles blinked rapidly up at the ceiling. The fact that Gabriel cared mattered more than he realized. “You’re showing up for me even though you’re scared. You’re not making me do this alone. Those things all matter.”
Gabriel’s head appeared after a few silent heartbeats.
He crossed his arms on the edge of Miles’s bed, resting his chin on them.
“I’m tired of being angry and afraid,” he murmured.
A faint golden glow came in through Miles’s parted curtains, barely illuminating his face.
“And I’m tired of this distance between us. Tell me how I can fix it.”
Something about his whispered words made Miles’s face flush. “All I want is for you to be honest with me. It was the not talking, not knowing, that was driving me crazy.”
Gabriel considered him for a moment. “I’ll be blunt, then.
I’ve been an ass, and I regret it. I regret the days I’ve wasted.
I’m frightened of the future, but when I think about making the most of what little time I might have left, all I picture is spending it with you.
” He peered at Miles, his lashes casting long shadows across his cheekbones.
A dizzying rush of emotions went through Miles. Tonight had taken a turn he hadn’t expected. He was glad he was lying down.
He rolled over to face Gabriel more fully. “I—can you be a bit more specific? I mean—we haven’t talked about us. Or our relationship, since we… you know. In the cemetery.”
“We kissed, Miles. The word isn’t going to bite you.”
Miles flushed down to his toes. “I know that. I’m allowed to be a bit flustered after you smooched my face off, then didn’t mention it again.”
Gabriel made a small, distressed noise caught between a snicker and a groan. “You did not just use the word ‘smooched’ unironically.”
“It’s not funny.” Miles couldn’t bite back his grin.
“Oh, I’m aware.”
God, Miles was making a fool of himself.
If Gabriel could be blunt, so could he. “What I’m asking,” he explained, swallowing around his dry tongue, “is what you mean exactly? Because that all sounds kinda romantic, but I don’t want to make any assumptions.
” The words were coming out too fast, tripping him up.
“Did you mean it like that? Like, do you want to be… boyfriends? Dating?”
There. He’d said it.
The corner of Gabriel’s mouth quirked up. “What makes you think I know anything about dating?”
It was such a Gabriel answer, Miles had to laugh. “I guess we’re both a bit new to this, huh?”
“I suppose then, it only makes sense for us to undertake this learning experience together.” His gray eyes gleamed with humor. Relief stole Miles’s breath.
He reached over to flick Gabriel’s shoulder for messing with him, but Gabriel caught his hand and tugged him closer to the edge. Startled, Miles caught himself before they bumped foreheads.
“What—”
Gabriel closed the inches between them and kissed the question right out of him.
His mouth pressed against Miles’s firmly.
Certain. A dizzying shiver spread across Miles, the fine hairs on his arms standing to attention.
He didn’t hesitate to kiss him back, sinking into the soft warmth of his lips.
There was a salty bite to it from his earlier tears.
Miles’s heart flipped—this was a stolen moment of light to banish away the darkness.
To forget all the pain, all the mistakes, all the uncertainties, and just feel.
Too soon, Gabriel pulled away. “I would like very much to date you,” he breathed, the words brushed against Miles’s lips. “Though, if you’d like to say no and make me suffer as retaliation for treating you poorly, I’ll accept my fate. I won’t kiss you again.”
“Are you trying to bribe me into taking mercy on you with kisses?” Delight fizzed in Miles’s stomach. “You’re shameless.”
“I was simply making your options clear.”
As if there was any universe, any alternate timeline that existed where Miles would consider saying no.
“Hmmm.” He pretended to consider, just to be an ass. “I might need to sleep on it and—” He laughed when Gabriel scowled at him. “I’m kidding. You know there’s no question for me. I’ve been embarrassingly obvious about that.”
“Mortifyingly,” Gabriel confirmed, straight-faced.
Miles flopped back down and threw his arm over his face. “You’re evil incarnate and I must be a masochist. Stop talking and go to sleep before I change my mind.”
A snort escaped Gabriel, but his weight vanished from the edge of Miles’s bed. When he peeked down a moment later, he found Gabriel tucked into his blanket pile, eyes closed and the faintest smile on his face.