29. Kyle
Crabby: You could just ask me this like a normal person…
Me: GIF of Jimmy Fallon saying he is shocked
Me: Are you saying you don’t love my daily messages?
Crabby: I just figured you would stop now that you’re home.
Me: Do they make you smile or laugh?
Crabby: Well yeah.
Me: Then I will do them every day until the end of time.
Angel Boy: So what’s the deal with Harper?
Me: Mine.
Me: She’s mine.
Angel Boy: Okay caveman. I’m married. Not looking. Chill the fuck out.
Me: Why ask that way?
Angel Boy: I know something, and I feel like if I were you, I’d want to know. So I think I should tell you.
Me: …
Me: You said that ten fucking minutes ago.
Me: WTF? It’s been an hour?
Angel Boy: Sorry got distracted.
Angel Boy: Zara is ranting about something Harper did.
Me: Angel Boy I swear my patience is about to run out.
Angel Boy: I’m trying to tell you. Chill out.
Me: What did Harper do?
Angel Boy: Would you give me ten fucking seconds to type a reply?
Angel Boy: Harper sold a family heirloom to pay for Piper’s therapies. Zara thinks we need to track it down.
Me: Answer my call.
Angel Boy: Give me five minutes to get away from the wife. She’s got a short fuse lately and she’ll freak out if she knows I told you. Plus she’s pissed about the game tomorrow. She and I were supposed to have a date night and I forgot.
Me: Dude skip the game. Go out with your girl.
Angel Boy: Who are you? For months you’ve given us all shit for skipping boys’ night.
Me: I’m reformed. I get it now.
Angel Boy: But I’m coming to the game. Zara said forget it. So if I force the issue it will make us both miserable.
Me: I have a job for us.
Me: It’s going to suck.
Cam: What else is new?
Me: GIF of a man rolling his eyes
Me: You have the best job and the best boss.
Cam: …
Me: How am I not the best?
Cam: Is this really the job you want me to do? Tell you how you’re not the best?
Me: GIF of a dude flipping off the camera
Me: Call me.
Crabby: You’re going to be crushed but I have an IEP meeting so Zara is bringing Sam today.
Me: Photo of Kyle in a green shirt making a pouting face.
Crabby: With a smile and wink that shirt would melt anyone into a puddle.
Me: Video of Kyle winking at the camera.
Dumpty added Dragon to Baseball Bros
Dumpty: Sorry man but you gotta see this.
Dumpty: Pic of a man’s hands decorated in Revs blue polish
Bambi: Whoa! How did you get that done
Dumpty: Not me. That’s Streaks.
New Guy: nail polish??
Me: Piper did them for me. I dare any of you assholes to make a comment.
Angel Boy: She did a great job.
Dumpty: Yeah no I wasn’t mocking them.
Bambi: Can she do mine?
Dragon: Piper is cute. She’s got talent. Glad you’re happy.
Dragon left Baseball Bros
Bambi: I think that was Avery. That was too many words for Dragon.
Dumpty: Dude I just said that.
Angel Boy: He did.
New Guy: Wait…did you guys not invite me to the hockey game tonight?
Me: Pic of Dumpty, Angel Boy, and Bambi at the Bolts game.
New Guy: You all suck.
Crabby: You are so weird about people touching your hair.
Me: Not you. I love when your hands are in my hair when you’re riding my cock. The little moan that you whisper in my ear while I suck on your perfect tits.
Crabby: Breakfast with the kids is not sexing time.
Me: But I miss you. I haven’t seen you in days.