Chapter 31
Sitting on the porch as the midday sun blazed in the autumn sky, my heart sank with the last shards of my hope.
Prudence hadn’t returned from wherever she’d wandered, and now Flora was gone.
She’d ridden away in the cart with her children only minutes ago—or was it hours?
I couldn’t be certain how long I wallowed here, frozen in my fears.
Each creak of the house reminded me of our isolation.
With the nearest neighbors at least a mile away, we were alone on the edges of the valley that cradled God’s people.
It was only when I came out here on the fringes of the Mormon world that I finally saw the cracks fissuring in my world’s facade.
Jacob’s face loomed behind my closed eyes. I could almost feel the press of his hand into my throat from the night he fled, the sour taste of his breath on my cheek as he swore to damn me if I disobeyed.
Would he even bother to send word to Elder Crowther to ruin me, or simply drive his own knife through me to save the trouble?
Despite the warmth of the day, cold fused up my spine and through my limbs.
Once, Sariah had sat on his porch, eaten at his table, warmed his bed.
And now, she was nothing but a concealed memory.
Did her family still search for her, mourn her?
Maybe like me, they’d never written, as good as dead once wed.
Maybe when Jacob returned and meted out his judgments, my family wouldn’t miss me either.
Had Sariah defied Jacob or loved another as I so sinfully did? Did her insolence drive her to run away? Perhaps her husband was her executioner. Or perhaps she’d wandered off as Prudence, lost in her own tortured mind.
The only one who might know what truly happened to her refused to tell me. Maybe Abby was every bit the tormenter Flora thought she was.
The wind whistled through the gables above, drawing me out of my own head.
I could stay here all day, weighed down by my fears. But I needed to keep going. I didn’t know what time I had left, and Prudence still needed to be found.
The rotting wood sagged beneath my feet as I stood. I needed to make sure that Edward was fed and cared for, and then to seek help in searching for Prudence. I couldn’t yet give up on her safe return.
Hooves pounded the ground and I jolted upright. At the end of the drive, a single rider appeared. Their horse was steady, racing toward the blighted house with surprising speed. My fingers twisted together tightly. Was it Prudence?
The outline of a man blurred against the cloudless sky as the horse drew closer. Oh no, was it Jacob? Each crack of its feet battered my head. The rider reached the porch, pulling back on the reins.
I let out a grateful gasp.
It wasn’t Jacob, but Elijah. My knees gave way and I sank back onto the porch steps. I wasn’t certain when I’d started crying.
Elijah sprang from his horse and dropped in front of me, his face etched with concern. “Hazel, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”
I shook my head. I felt ripped open, ready to bleed out on the untamed land. “Flora and her children are gone. I couldn’t do what he told me. I couldn’t keep us together. Now I’ll be punished.”
“What do you mean?” His eyes flashed with confusion.
“And Prudence is also gone,” I continued. “But I don’t know where she’s gone to. She could be hurt, lying in a ditch somewhere. She’s not herself.”
“Hazel,” he said softly. “Slow down. Breathe.”
His hands grabbed my arms to steady me. They were warm, so welcoming.
“I have to find her. I have to do at least one thing right today!”
“Then let me help you.”
“Help me?” Heavens, I wanted to hit him. Or kiss him. “How can you help me when you do nothing but torture me?” I screeched.
Elijah’s face fell. “I promise that was never my intention.”
I wrestled from his grip though I loathed moving farther away from him. “You dared to come here, invading my home like a knight come back from a quest with dreams of courtly love—as though you hadn’t turned your back on all we planned. But you don’t understand the agony it puts me through!”
The words were spilling out too fast to recall them. I was almost shouting now as I backed toward the front door to put some space between us.
“You’re oblivious to the fight I put up against the things I see in my head—positively wicked, lustful things.”
Elijah’s chin lifted. His expression smoldered. Suddenly, he jumped up, crossing the porch in only two strides. He stopped just as his body grazed against mine. I pressed myself into the door.
“You truly think I don’t fight the same demons? That I don’t still love you with all my soul?” he said, his chest heaving as if unable to catch his breath.
I couldn’t find mine either.
We both waited, paralyzed by unspoken longings and broken vows.
On instinct, I tilted my head up and he lowered his. Our mouths stopped just far away enough to speak without touching.
“Let me help you find Sister Prudence. Let me make up for my failures,” Elijah said.
I needed to dismiss him, once and for all. I knew it. But I couldn’t.
“Very well.” I searched for the doorknob behind me. “And then you are never to speak of love to me again.”
He said nothing, but his lips nearly brushed against mine, sending a shiver through me.
The knob twisted in my hand and I fell backward through the doorway.
Abby sat on the stairs, not unlike the first night I met her. She eyed Elijah, who hung back leaning against the far wall of the entry.
“It’ll be better if I help you search for her,” she said. “I know the land better.”
A part of my heart sunk, but I knew it was for the best. I shouldn’t be alone with Elijah ever again. Not even on a search as important as this. I glanced his way and his serious expression seemed to agree.
“Yes, you’re right. But we can’t leave the house unguarded, not with the children alone while federal marshals are still looking for Jacob,” I said, wishing I could tear my face away from Elijah’s.
Thankfully, he was the first to look away and shifted toward Abby on the stairs.
“I’ll stay here to protect them should anything happen. And if Prudence returns, I can be here to help her, in case she’s harmed in any way.”
“Thank you.” Abby’s voice didn’t sound the least bit encouraged, though. “We’ll start on the drive and head down to the road.”
As she rose, a voice called from the top of the stairs.
“What’s happening? The house is being loud,” Edward said from between his siblings, who all stood at the top step looking down on us with questioning faces.
Esther tugged his arm. “Hush now, it’s only the wind coming through an open window.”
“A wind that moans like the dead,” Nephi murmured.
His sister glared at him over Edward’s head. I winced at his choice of words.
“We need to leave for a bit and you’ll stay here,” Abby said to the children. “Don’t leave the house. Brother Elijah will be here.”
Nephi studied our boarder with curiosity. “Do we have to do chores?”
Elijah stepped away from the wall, a smile brimming on his lips. Lips I’d been far too close to only moments ago. A sickening ache dug into my very core. I was well and truly damned.
“I think we can hold off on those for a bit, Sister Abby?”
Abby nodded her consent.
He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at the cautious trio of children. “I’ve a special game we can play instead. Have you ever ridden a flying carpet?”
Esther and Nephi exchanged a glance, probably silently weighing together whether they would give credence to such silly talk at their old ages of ten and twelve. Edward, however, didn’t hesitate.
“Please, I want to ride!” Edward squealed.
“Excellent.” Elijah rubbed his hands together. “Let’s retrieve the magic carpet from its hiding place.”
Esther giggled and bound down the steps after Edward, while Nephi trailed behind, probably pretending he wasn’t as interested as he truly was. Warmth moved through me watching the children light up with possibility and mischief for what may have been the first time since I arrived.
Touching my elbow as he passed, Elijah leaned in to speak softly. “I’ll keep them distracted so they won’t worry about Prudence. Good luck.”
He swore to me he’d never speak of love again, but didn’t he realize that every small tenderness spoke it in volumes? I slipped out the door after Abby before I would say something I regretted.