Chapter 12
Marty
What the fuck is going on?
Ryan is one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met.
With the most kissable lips, apparently.
Not that I have too much experience with that, but when our lips are locked, all the clutter, all the sound and fury that usually preoccupies my brain finally quiets, allowing me to be absorbed by the pleasure.
Even with all the questions that have come up since we got back to my room.
Am I a shit kisser?
Am I attracted to guys?
Am I queer like my best buds?
Maybe I attacked Ryan with another kiss because this could be the only way to answer these questions. But this could all be because I haven’t had a real kiss in so long, what I did with Ryan finally gave me some much-needed relief.
It was wild.
It was exciting.
And when he’s not talking, it’s easy enough to forget what a dick he can be.
As I pin his wrists to the bed, making out with him, I savor the swirling sensation in my chest, the pricking in my fingertips and lips, the soothing warmth in my cheeks.
Who knew the guy who can get me the most worked up could also act as a sedative?
I don’t know how long we’ve been making out, but I finally manage to pull away, catching another breath without his tongue down my throat.
Ryan lies on his back beneath me, his shirt hiked up slightly to show the grooves in his abs, which for some reason is catching my attention right now.
“Everything cool?” he asks, which considering everything that’s happened tonight, seems like a wild-ass question.
“I think my lips are starting to get chapped,” I admit.
“Should I put on some ChapStick before I kiss you again?”
I laugh…fucking laugh over something Ryan Lorde said. Wow. This is new territory.
“You really are something,” I say. “You’re acting chill as ever after what we’ve been doing?”
“Should I be freaking out?”
“One of us should be.”
“Isn’t that kind of your thing?”
In that case, I’m not doing a bad job. “Shut your fucking hole.”
“You know how to make that happen.” His gaze settles on my lips again.
He’s not wrong about the worrying bit being my territory, so I do my job, letting the questions this provokes dominate my thoughts.
“You think we’re attracted to guys?” I ask, and his brow creases.
“What’s the answer you need that gets those lips back on mine?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m starting to see why the girls find you so damn charming.”
“Bet you are,” he says before offering a soft peck.
My dick is really straining in my boxers, so I have to adjust it for what must be the tenth time since we started making out.
“Let me just…” I unfasten my belt and notice Ryan looking at my crotch. “Don’t look!” I insist.
“Oh, sorry.” His gaze shoots right for the ceiling in a way that’s more considerate than anything I would have expected from him.
“Somebody’s being nice now that he wants to kiss me again.”
“Hey, I’m always a gentleman.”
“You haven’t felt that gentle the past few minutes.”
“Neither of us has really been all that gentle. And I think it’s cute that you believe it’s been a few minutes,” he says as I unfasten my fly and fix my dick so the head has some breathing room.
“It hasn’t been that long,” I say, and he retrieves his phone from his pocket, revealing it’s almost two in the morning, so it’s been like thirty. “Ugh. I need to get some sleep. I’m volunteering with Activate Kindness tomorrow. And I still don’t know what the hell this is all about.”
“I think you have a little idea of what it’s about.”
“I just need to think it through, and doing this with you isn’t helping me get any thinking done.”
“You think too much.”
He’s not wrong.
“Have you decided to go back to being a fucking asshole?” I ask.
He sits up, getting right in my face, so close I’m waiting for him to plant another one on me, when he says, “Dude, whatever it is, it’s not a big deal. Would it be so terrible if you were into guys and girls?”
“Not really, I guess.”
“And I might be too, but we don’t have to put a label on it in one night.”
He’s right for a change, but that’s not really my thing, and without his lips pressed against mine, I’m already starting to spiral, reflecting on my other experiences with guys, searching for clues that might have indicated interest that I haven’t perceived that way.
“In case you haven’t met me, I don’t love uncertainty,” I say.
“Then I’ll have to help you get some clarity around this later. Besides, I’m starting to question my initial conclusion. You could use some work on your form.” The playfulness in his expression suggests he doesn’t think that’s even a little bit true. Here’s the Ryan I’m more familiar with.
“Oh, really?” I say. “At what point did you determine that?”
“Probably when you were pinning my wrists and nibbling away at my lips like your life depended on it.”
“Is that why you were moaning into my mouth?”
“I was trying to make you feel better.”
Liar.
“I’ll bet,” I say, inching toward him, getting my lips close enough to earn a look that assures me he doesn’t have any issue with however I was working my mouth. “If I’m so bad, then you need a break from these sloppy kisses.”
His jaw stiffens. Even though we’re teasing, I can tell he’s being serious when he says, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He offers another peck but lingers before slipping his tongue out and sliding it along my bottom lip.
“Really?”
“Yeah, well, I told you earlier it’s all about practice.”
I chuckle into his mouth before he kisses me again. I kiss him right back, appreciating that once again it helps diffuse all the questions that would otherwise feel overwhelming.
What the fuck are we doing? I fucking hate this guy, but tonight he’s actually been cool with me. Very generous with helping me work this out. And his skin against mine…Jesus, nothing beats it.
Ryan finally pries himself away, grunting in a way that makes my cock twitch. That’s definitely not a straight reaction. But this guy could probably have chemistry with a house plant. He’s sex on legs.
He groans. “I do think we need to get to bed. Feel like I’ve done a proper assessment and this will help me with your Angie situation. But don’t forget you still owe me tango lessons.”
Angie? Tango? That’s how we wound up in this confusing mess to begin with.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say.
“Night, Mart,” he says, licking up my lips before rolling off the bed.
He plops down on his air mattress, and I collapse back in bed, resting my hand on my chest as I stare at the ceiling.
How the hell am I gonna get any sleep after all that?
Although, I figure the answer is: I probably won’t.
*
“Marty, where did you head off to last night?” Lance asks as I step into the kitchen. In only pajama bottoms, he strokes Frat Cat with one hand and eats cereal with the other.
I agreed to show Ryan some tango moves if he would help me with girls, and somehow that resulted in us locking lips and leaving me questioning everything I’ve ever known about myself.
Not actually saying that. Obviously. So I keep those words locked in my throat, replying, “I headed up to bed early.”
He shrugs, then glances my way, his eyes bulging. “If you went to bed early, why do you look like you didn’t sleep all night?”
While it took Ryan maybe ten minutes to doze off, releasing that familiar deep breathing he does when he’s out, I spent the night rolling around in the sheets, my brain scrambled and my cock refusing to give me a moment’s peace.
Maybe because I was busy thinking about Ryan’s touch, his tongue teasing mine, his hot breath against my face. And while Ryan was sleeping like a baby, I found myself resenting him again, only this time because he left me in this confused state.
Am I into guys? I must be. But if that’s true, why didn’t I find that out until last night?
“I went up to bed but stayed up thinking.”
“Ah. Sounds about right.”
Nice to know I’m known for being so packed full of anxiety that this doesn’t raise any red flags for my buddy.
Last night, I considered whether I should say anything to him.
He’s my best friend. He knows what it’s like to be attracted to guys and girls.
Maybe he could help me understand what’s going on, but I’m such a bad liar, if he starts probing, he’ll work out it was Ryan I was doing stuff with.
No matter how much I don’t like the guy, I wouldn’t put him in that position.
Not that he seemed particularly rattled, but it was easy to leave the world behind and be stupid in bed together, letting those primal urges control us when we didn’t have to think about what it’d be like this morning. Or how it would impact our lives beyond a few kisses.
“I’m gonna make an omelet,” I say, imagining if I got busy with something, it would help me relax. “You want one?”
“That’d be good. Thank you! Was gonna need something else besides this cereal anyway. Gonna get my workout in at the weight room in a bit.”
“Mmm,” I hear from the living area before Ty saunters in. He’s got this look in his eyes, like he doesn’t even see me—can only see Lance as he approaches him, his hands sliding around his body as he effortlessly pulls him close and kisses the back of his neck.
A wave of heat moves through me. In the past, I would’ve assumed it was embarrassment from them being so intimate in front of me, but what if it’s because I find this hot?
My therapist and I once talked about how I sometimes lack nuance in understanding my emotions—extreme, at times, black-and-white thinking.
What if some of my confusion is because this uncomfortable emotion wasn’t embarrassment after all?
“Ty, would you like an omelet?” I ask.
“Sure, man. I appreciate it.”
“I’ll make one for Ash and Colin too.”
“I’m sure they’ll appreciate that,” Lance says. “I know for a fact those guys were up all night.”
“How do you know that for a fact?” I ask.
“Before they went to bed, Ash said he was determined to keep his man up all night, and I believed him.”
“Oh…”
I get cracking on omelets, considering if I should make Ryan one, but no, that’d be weird.
I’m being weird.
I’ve split one for Ty and Lance by the time the back door opens and Dax heads in, wearing a Zeta Tau jacket.
“You fucking traitor,” Ty teases, and Dax unzips it, revealing he’s shirtless underneath.
“Okay, how did this happen?” I ask.
“Isn’t it obvious? Ended up with a guy at Zeta Tau.”
“Yeah, but why do you have his jacket? I assume you messed around at his place. He couldn’t give you a shirt?”
“We were at the park, actually, and I’m not sure where I left my shirt. I asked to borrow his, but he wanted me to take something more substantial to make sure we’d get together again.”
“Pretty smart,” Lance says.
“Hey, I don’t go after idiots.”
“Did I hear my name?” The voice has goose bumps pricking across my flesh.
It’s the familiar annoyance I feel whenever I know he’s nearby, but it’s different this time. There’s something else mixed in. Probably the thing making my dick a little twitchy.
My face is red even before Ryan’s in the kitchen, bare-chested, only in boxers, minus the tent he was sporting most of the time he was up with me. Ty, Lance, and Dax laugh at his quip, but I can’t appreciate the humor.
I sneak a look his way, and unsurprisingly, the guy looks cool as ice.
He breezes in, offering shakes and fist bumps with the other guys as though nothing happened last night.
Maybe because it was nothing for him. For a guy who goes through girls faster than Tic Tacs, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
To him, I was probably another in a long list of the people he’s mouth-fucked with his tongue.
“Fuck, those abs!” Ryan says to Dax. “You looking good, man.”
“Ya think?” Dax asks, flexing them for the frathole.
Seriously? It’s been less than twelve hours since he made out with a guy, and now he’s already hitting on Dax in front of me? I clench my fist, tightening my grip on the spatula.
“What you changing up in the gym?” Ryan asks.
“I saw Jaxon getting some nice definition from those hanging leg raises, so I added them to my routine.”
“Very nice,” Ryan says as Dax invites him to feel.
And for the first time I have the thought: What if Ryan was lying to me about not having messed around with guys before?
No, that’s too douchey, even for him. Still, this is grating on my nerves, and just as bad, I know it shouldn’t be.
We made out for a night. Would it really be a shock if after Ryan found out he was bi, he’d run through the house faster than Dax?
I’m focusing on the omelet when Ryan appears beside me, leaning against the drawer by the stove. “Morning, Mart.”
He’s got this broad grin across his face, knowing in his eyes. I’m waiting for him to say something dumb and out us to the guys, which only keeps me on edge.
“That one for me?” he whispers. “You know I’m kind of hungry after last night.”
I grit my teeth, checking over my shoulder, but the guys are busy catching up with Dax about the night before to notice what he said.
“This one is for Ash and Colin. I wasn’t planning on making you one.”
Ryan leans closer. “That’s fine. Would prefer a nice big hunk of sausage anyway.”
He looks me dead in the eyes, and I gulp as I think about the way he was eyeing my cock last night. Admiring it.
His gaze sinks toward it, and despite how tense I am, I can feel myself getting a little hard. My eyes settle on his lips, some part of me wanting to get back to what we did before.
Where is this coming from? I’ve never been the type to get horny like this over someone.
“Should start with a protein shake, though,” he says.
“Don’t you have to eat the sausage first to get that?”
I can’t believe I said that, but I couldn’t help myself, and Ryan grins. “That’s true.”
“Ryan, will you leave Marty the hell alone?” Ty says, sounding annoyed on my behalf.
“We’re getting along fine.”
If only Ty knew just how fine.
“I have a hard time believing that.” Ty drags Ryan away, which is probably for the best, but now that he’s not beside me, I’m trying to work out if this heat is from the range or from the way he was talking to me.
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I gotta get some hours in at work. Then hitting the gym before I have dinner with my parents.”
I hate that I’m in the middle of making omelets since I really want to pull Ryan aside and work out when we’re gonna meet up again. But that’s not something I can do in front of the guys.
I watch as Ryan heads out of the kitchen, noticing that decent rump he’s got. Wondering what it’d feel like to get a good grip on those cheeks.
My face flushes with heat again, though this time I know it’s not from the stove.