Chapter Thirty-Four
CHAPTER
THIRTY-FOUR
Jae
“Mama,” Cindy says, lips trembling, eyes as wide as daisies.
“Mama,” Kiley and Valeria echo.
I’m still, frozen beneath their gaze. Someone tugs on my arm. Swan maybe. I can hear her voice. But I can’t stop hearing theirs. Mama, they pout. Mama, they cry, and I’m shaking my head, confused. How is this—how is this happening?
There’s no space for a thought in this wailing and crying and the heartbeat thundering in my ears. Just confusion. And how?
They stop, and I will them to turn away, to take their performance somewhere else. It wasn’t meant for me. They don’t know. They can’t. My heart is a drumbeat of fear in the quiet, and then my breath stops.
Valeria pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket, holds it up to the light. “‘Dear Jae,’ ” she starts slowly, with a grin and a coldness on my name.
It’s me. Jae. This is meant for no one else. But how?
“ ‘This letter is hard to write because … I don’t have the words to thank you for what you did for me and Jermaine,’ ” she says. “ ‘We are soooo blessed that you chose us to take care of your Sweet. Baby. Girl.’” She cocks her head more and more with each word, eyes glued to mine.
The whole room murmurs around me. Buzzes. Swarms. And I’m dizzy. Confused.
“ ‘You will always be Sarah’s mother.’ ” Valeria pauses long enough to snort, to let it sink in. “ ‘No matter what I do for her. No matter how much of a mother I am.’ ”
Finally, I’m uprooted. Maybe it was her name. Sarah. June. My baby. “Stop,” I say.
“ ‘You brought her here. You gave her life. And for that, I can only thank you.’ ”
I scream now, “Stop!” and lunge for the letter.
She holds it high over her head. I feel tears and I feel sharp.
I reach for the closest thing and pull, a fistful of glossy curls.
We stumble. We twist. I scream in her ear.
But what am I saying? I don’t know. How could you do this?
Give it back? Or maybe it’s the sound of every anguish I’ve recently held, finally finding a worthy target.
A person I can hurt without caring if they leave.
I scream like a mother who’s lost her young.
Who found the thing she loved cut open, hollowed out, and laid bare. I scream, and I scream, and I scream.
Valeria drops the letter. I snatch it, press it against my chest, and in that room I could only see in my worst nightmare, is Derek. A blank-faced Mad Hatter, only steps behind Valeria and Cindy and Kiley. There. Behind them. There. Mouth open. Just. There.
“You stupid bitch!” Valeria yells at me.
“She didn’t have to go all psycho,” someone says. “It was a joke.”
“She’s postpartum. Freaking nuts.”
I move, finally unplanted. Lift my feet and move.
I hear CJ and William and Swan calling my name.
But I am alone. I shuffle through sweaty bodies, make it to the closest door, step on the hem of my dress and nearly tumble down the balcony steps into the backyard.
“Whoa. Careful, princess,” someone in a group of vapers says.
Soon they’ll find out what happened inside and they’ll have other names for me.
The yard glows with orange-and-red orbs. Someone shouts my name, but I’m running. I just don’t know where to. I don’t remember where I am. I don’t remember where home is.
I grab the hem of my dress and race past the side of the house. It’s a dream, I tell myself. A nightmare. This didn’t happen. I’ll wake up soon. But the tightness in my throat feels too real.
Wake up! Wake up!
I hear footsteps behind me. “Jae!” They call me over and over and finally, I look back.
Of course it’s them, all three. Robin Hood, Friar Tuck, and a witch.
They’ll want to know if it’s true. They’ll ask me questions.
So I don’t stop. Not until I can’t see the yellow house anymore.
I ignore their voices until they’re quiet again.
Until they just stand there nearby, like ghosts, waiting to be summoned.
I pull out my phone, request a ride, and then I wait for a stranger to take me to a place I can barely call home.