Chapter Thirty-Seven
CHAPTER
THIRTY-SEVEN
Jae
How long have I been lying here? I roll my head to the side, stare out the open curtains at a hazy sky, the faint outline of the moon behind clouds.
The sky is a bright blush as the sun gives in to the ocean.
Time is lost somewhere, moving on without me.
I’m filled up with thoughts, and I try, as Mrs. Aldana said, to give them their proper weight.
The weightiest of them all: Do I love Derek Patel?
I’m still holding his collection of … everything. Poems. Scripts. A list titled “Planetary Humor.” And Letters. Letters and letters.
It’s me again, Jae. I wonder so much about you. What made you happy as a kid? What was your first movie? Mine was Toy Story. I was five, I think. I watched it every single weekend for probably a whole year.
It’s me again, Jae. Mom’s having a really good day, and that’s scary. I haven’t seen Peter since that night. So I wonder. Where is she getting her pills from now?
It’s me again, Jae. I miss you. I’m sorry.
I’m remembering all our moments through a different lens. Him crying in the bathroom the first day we met. Him leaving brunch suddenly, when I’d never seen him so happy. Him lying on my bed, inexplicable pain in his eyes, saying he didn’t deserve me. His mom. Everything.
And I see why Miguel and Valeria mean so much to him. How their families would spend most weekends together barbecuing and beaching and laughing. They remind him of a joy he no longer has.
I’m flat on my back, clutching everything, missing the Derek I see in these poems and letters.
But then I remember Valeria and her friends at the Halloween party, him motionless in his Mad Hatter costume, and I seethe.
The fact is, the Derek I was falling for didn’t always show up.
And that other Derek, I don’t want to see.
But I know who I do want to see.
I cross my room to my desk drawer. Pull out my phone, which has been off for the last three days. I turn it on.
Notifications flood the screen. Texts. Missed calls. I sit down, open a group chat.
I need to call a meeting.