Chapter Thirty-Eight #2
Swan hugs her knees to her chest. “Maybe my birth mom loved me, too. It’s hard to believe that sometimes. Things were so hard for me.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I ask.
She drops her chin onto her knees and rocks slowly.
“They found me alone on a train in Seoul. I was one. My first family adopted me. I mean, you could hardly call them a family. After they adopted me, Moira found out she was pregnant. With twins. So she had two kids of her own and a little foreign baby she didn’t really want after all.
They went to family reunions without me, can you believe it?
Yeah. Gave me food and a Bible and thought that was enough.
And then they sent me back to the agency when I was seven. ”
My mouth drops open.
“In the end, I’m glad they did, but it took me two years to get adopted again. So.” Swan purses her lips and takes in a deep breath. “So it took me a while to get over the fact that nobody wanted me. And maybe I’m not totally over it. Maybe that’s why I’m so … angry.”
I bite my lip. “I’m sorry that happened to you.” I think about June Baby and Anne and Jermaine, and my heart clenches a little. I tell myself that they would never send her away.
Swan gives a sly smile as she lifts a flap on her jean jacket. “What I’m about to show you all stays between us,” she says, looking around the room dramatically.
“Oh, goody! More secrets!” William says, fingers strumming together in mock excitement.
I laugh. “Okay.”
“You promise?”
“Promise,” CJ adds.
She pulls something out and hides it against her chest. “Remember your vow. And don’t laugh, either.” She lays down what turns out to be a photo.
I cover my mouth to hide my gasp. It’s Swan, but she’s almost unrecognizable. Coke-bottle glasses. Bangs cut short and sharp. Missing teeth on both sides. A yellow raincoat and rain boots.
She groans. “Poor thing.”
“It’s cute,” I insist.
“This,” she says, tapping the photo, “is the earliest picture of me. I was nine. I hate looking at it, but I kind of love it too. That Swan had no idea she’d be okay.
She thought she’d always be tossed away like garbage.
But that wasn’t true. And this Swan,” she says, hands over her chest, “has the best parents in the world now. And I’m a teenager, so saying that actually means something. ”
“I’m so glad things worked out for you,” I say.
“They’ll work out for you, too. And look, I live just down the street. You can walk over anytime you want. If you wanna talk or write or watch melodramatic Korean shows.”
“Really?”
“We’re in that pink house with the—”
“—Tabebuia trees.”
“Okay. Maybe. I was going to say the pink house with the red car in the driveway.”
I nod. “Yeah. Thanks. Okay.” We all sink into quiet, content with what’s already been said, and I wonder what things working out would look like. “Hey. Could we dedicate the open mic to June Baby?” I ask.
“June Baby? How cute,” Swan says.
“It’s actually Sarah. That’s what they named her.” I sigh. Tug on a loc to feel something. “So, what do you guys think? I don’t want to hijack the event—”
“I think it’s brilliant!” William says.
“Awesome idea,” CJ adds. “Show them you’re not ashamed anymore.”
Swan nods. “You know why I don’t care what people think about me? Caring never made me happy. Just be Jae. I promise that’s enough.”
I sink into the thought, into the promise of being enough. Me, strong alone, but stronger held up, wrapped around my rooted tree. Not hiding in the bathroom stall, not running away from the party.
William gently clears his throat. “Can we also address the elephant in the room? Or, not in the room, rather? Derek. Will he be there?”
Swan nods. “Mrs. Aldana said he would be. Jae? How do you feel about that?”
I shrug. “Fine. No. Not fine. But it’s okay. He deserves to be there.”
“You know, he’s been different since he stopped coming to club meetings,” William says. “He doesn’t really talk to anyone. To be honest, he looks quite lonely.”
Swan nods. “Don’t be offended, Jae, but we had an emergency meeting at lunch today. The three of us. To talk about, you know. You. And guess who was at the banyan tree?”
“Seriously?” I sit taller.
“Yeah. Reading A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking,” she says dramatically, her hand flashing the title across the ceiling.
“You all talked to him?”
“Not much,” she says. “It was like he was sorry for using our space without permission. We invited him to stay.” She pauses.
“Look. I don’t believe in trying to change people, okay?
But do I believe people can change? Sure.
I mean, maybe he’s not the person you want him to be now.
But maybe he’s getting there in his own time. ”
It’s hard not to think about the boy who held me quietly in my room, who kissed me and said, I see you. But I can’t control what Derek does or who he decides to be.
“Maybe he’ll never get there,” I say to Swan.
She nods. “Maybe he’ll never get there. But you know what? Derek’s not the only guy with a really nice ass.” She gestures to William. “Take him, for example.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” William says in a fighting stance. “I’m not just a piece of meat you can fight over, all right? You have to get in line. Get in line!”
Swan snorts.
“What am I, chopped liver?” CJ mutters.
Swan leans over to kiss his forehead. “You’ve got the most beautiful eyes in Palm Beach County, and if I weren’t so gay I’d snatch you up first. And then I’d get in line for William.”
CJ laughs, braces glinting.
There’s a knock on the door and Ms. Rosette once again sticks her head into my room. “Hello, friends. Are you staying for dinner? Lots of food.”
The three of them exchange glances.
“Hell yeah—I mean! Thank you so much,” Swan says in a rush.
She bows her head theatrically and Ms. Rosette humphs with a look of amusement.
At the sound of the door closing, Swan looks up again, blows her wavy hair out of her eyes.
“Well. We called a meeting and we didn’t even write poetry.
Are we even poets?” She shakes her head in disapproval.
“It’s been free verse this whole time, hasn’t it?” William says absentmindedly as he pulls a book off the shelf. “Hey. Guess this book by the first line. Ready?”
Then we’re shouting, laughing, rolling, and by the time Ms. Rosette calls us down for dinner—Come and eat NOW or I will finish everything! she yells—my cheeks are aching.
I feel like I could look into that pool again, see the dark reflection, and love her.