Chapter Four #4
“Do you still need my help?” I ask her, and she takes a moment but then nods.
“I’m only going to do what you’d like me to do…
” I raise her chin so she looks at me. “And please don’t feel guilty for enjoying yourself.
Remember that you and Jeremy are not together.
You owe nothing to each other. You are in Venice to do what you want and have a great time. ”
She snorts and looks away as if she can’t stand my intense gaze. She dries her sweaty palms on her jeans.
“I don’t know if I can be as…carefree as you.”
I smile. That’s an improvement. From lady-killer to womanizer to carefree man.
“When I was an orchestra violinist, I lived in the future,” I tell her.
“I was constantly worrying about the next rehearsal, the next performance. At the beginning of my career especially, it was all about getting to the top.” My eyes roam around the square and land on the old couple talking on the bench a few meters ahead.
“I kept making plans and wishing for a happy moment that was yet to come. That caused me a lot of anxiety.” I glance at Daisy, who is listening attentively.
“Nothing was ever good enough . I was not good enough, even when I was at my best.”
I look at my hands. Memories of my frustration over my broken bones and damaged muscles make me wince. “Then the accident happened, and I lost all my progress. That’s when I started living in the past, believing the good times were behind me and I would never have them again.”
Daisy moves her hand, and, for a second, I think she will touch my knee, but she doesn’t.
“Now I live in the present,” I say, looking deep into her eyes.
“I have plans for the future, yes, things I want to accomplish… But I learned to appreciate the miracle of every moment. And that’s not just some cheesy talk.
It’s true. Coming to Venice taught me that.
Busking in the streets without knowing where I would be the day after made me realize tomorrow didn’t matter if I didn’t focus on living now .
I was playing my favorite pieces, and I had all this.
” I make a broad gesture to encompass the beautiful square.
What I don’t tell her is that “living now ” was more like “surviving the pain.” No one but Luigi, who saw me and rescued me, needs to know how many tears I shed with every piece I played.
Part of what I learned in my darkest hour was that I control the narrative of my life.
I reframed my desperate times as a transformative journey.
I can proudly say that after feeling defeated, I chose to close that book and start a new one when the universe blessed me with an opportunity for change.
I meet Daisy’s eyes. She’s thirsty for my words, so I give her more. “I met Luigi, and he offered me a job I learned to love. Being in the hotel, welcoming so many people, sometimes for only one night, made me see that every night mattered.”
She nods, understanding and admiring my view of life.
Or maybe she’s thinking I’m a jerk who beds a new woman every night. I can’t say I haven’t done that… But I’m no jerk. I swear.
“Everything goes, only Venice stays. She’s my one true lover,” I say with a smirk. “Though I’m open to other lovers who don’t mind sharing me with Venice.”
That gets a shy smile out of her. If she’s interpreting my words as me being open to dating her even though she wants to fall for Jeremy, then she’s getting it right.
Because I’m a devil-may-care ragazzo . What can I do?
Control yourself and grow up , the Luigi in my head replies. That’s what you can do.
“I can see you’re well and that you find pleasure in your daily life.” She stresses the word with more than a little insinuation. “But what about the violin? You really don’t play anymore, ever ?”
I frown at her frown. “Why is that a problem? As you said, I’m well.”
She looks up, clearly disagreeing. “You’re avoiding it because it’s easier not to confront the past.”
I turn my face to the other side of the square, tensing.
I don’t want to argue with her. I don’t need to share my feelings—especially about this—with anyone.
I’ve already gone too far down memory lane.
It’s time to get back to the present. To my new ambitions, which exclusively involve the hotel, Venice, and an upgraded version of the exact life I have now.
Daisy is the one to break the uncomfortable silence. “I’m sorry. I just thought that maybe you missed it…”
“We’re better off without the things that hurt us,” I say, dodging her gaze.
Her hand moves but stops before it reaches for my fingers.
“We should get back.” She glances at her watch. “Don’t you have to start working at five?”
I check the time. We have twenty minutes to reach the hotel. It’s fine, but we do need to start walking.
I stand up. I’m not surprised she’s eager to get back.
Whatever happened between us this afternoon was too much.
Our flirting, our touching, our almost kissing, my oversharing, my suggestion that I’m open to her being my lover…
I can’t believe I let it go so far. Daisy is probably thinking the same.
She’s not someone I can just take to bed.
It’s obvious she’s not used to one-night stands or one-week stands—or at least that she’s trying not to make the same mistakes she’s made in the past, if they involved fleeting affairs.
She’s aiming for Jeremy because he is a match for life—for the kind of life she’s aiming for.
A stable, solid, safe future. He’s someone she knows well and trusts.
She’s looking for warmth, not fire. She thinks I’d break her heart.
And I probably would.
It’s better that we stick to the plan.
But whenever she needs to feel desirable, I’ll make sure she feels that way. If she wants to. If she comes to me…
She stands up, and I return her earbud.
“Can you still show us around in the mornings or whenever works best for you?” she asks, putting the earbud case in her purse. “Then I can have time alone with Jeremy the rest of the day.”
I nod. “Sure.”
She’s not ready to ditch me entirely. Excitement assaults my chest.
It foreshadows my doom.
But unfortunately, it’s my favorite feeling.