Chapter 26 Claire
Claire
I’m surrounded by chaos.
I’m not at my apartment—although that’s another type of chaos right now.
I’m currently in Shawna’s living room, sitting across from her on the couch while she nurses her newborn, and her three-year-old, Caleb, bounces on the cushion next to me.
The ground is littered with robot toys, superhero action figures, markers, and so many pieces of paper.
There’s some kind of cardboard box creation in the corner, along with a stack of board games, and I’m pretty sure I’m sitting on some leftover cracker crumbs.
Considering that Shawna has four kids, one of whom is only a couple of weeks old, I don’t really mind.
“Do you want to play Transformers?” Caleb asks. He launches himself off the couch and starts moving robotically, making mechanical sounds. Then he sneezes, and I’m pretty sure I get a few droplets on my face.
Shawna speaks up before I can answer. “Caleb, please cover your face when you sneeze. And I don’t think Claire wants to play transformers right now. Why don’t you color a picture?”
“Can you print one out for me?” He hops over to her, and Shawna protects the baby’s head from his wild movements. She pulls out her phone and starts searching for a coloring page.
It takes about five minutes for him to settle on an image. I didn’t realize three-year-olds were so picky. Finally, she sends the picture to the printer, and Caleb zooms over to another room to grab it.
Shawna gives me a tired smile. “A few minutes of peace.” Her husband took the older two kids to gymnastics and ballet (which are not at the same location, I just found out), and Shawna looks exhausted but so happy.
Grace’s assumption that I’m the next to have a baby hits me.
Is this what my future will be like? I don’t think I’d let my house get so messy, but who knows.
I look around the house, trying to imagine this as my life.
Me on the couch with a baby, and Zach…doing what exactly?
I’m not sure. Maybe starting up some kind of baby bottle MLM.
He’s not a great caretaker. Would he help me out at all, or would I just be relying on my mom?
The baby makes some grunting noises. Shawna sits her up and starts rubbing her back.
“How’s Nora doing?” I ask. “She’s so tiny.”
Shawna smiles down at her baby. “She looks that way, right? But she’s my biggest newborn. Eight pounds, fourteen ounces.”
I don’t know how much bigger she is than a typical baby, but she still looks fragile to me. I wouldn’t dare say this out loud, but she’s kind of funny-looking. But still squeezable.
“She’s so sweet,” Shawna continues. “She’s the perfect little bookend to our family.” Nora lets out a loud burp, and we both laugh. She lays Nora back down in her arms, and the newborn slowly closes her eyes and relaxes into a deep sleep.
Shawna rests her head back on the couch. “How’s work?”
“Good. Ryan and I are working on a new algebra tutoring center.”
“Oh, that will be great for our incoming students.” She pauses a moment. “How’s Ryan?”
“He’s…good.” The last time I saw Shawna, I expelled a lot of word vomit about my engagement to Zach. The last thing I want to do right now is give her the wrong impression about my relationship with Ryan.
I have a sudden memory of Shawna making a comment to us at graduation two years ago. She thought Ryan and I were dating. I brushed it off, laughing that I had a boyfriend, and she was SO embarrassed.
Now I wonder if she’s known something this whole time.
“You had the baby at home, right?” I say, desperate to change the subject. “That sounds crazy.”
Shawna nods and presses her lips together. “She was born at home. But she had a little difficulty breathing, so we had to take an ambulance to the hospital. She was in the NICU for two days.”
“Oh, Shawna! I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” All this imagining myself in her shoes makes that piece of information seem even more distressing. I reach out and touch her arm gently. “That must have been so scary.”
Her eyes well with instant tears, but she looks up to the ceiling and shakes her head slightly as if to push them away. “Sorry. Postpartum hormones are wild. I cry all the time.” She laughs lightly.
I rub her arm. “Don’t apologize. It’s something I’m learning, too.”
She looks at me, and as she blinks, a single tear falls from her eye. “Thank you. That helps me feel a little less crazy.”
“You’re not crazy. Do you want to talk about it?”
She shrugs a shoulder. “Not really. I try not to dwell on it, because everything turned out okay, you know? Of all the possible NICU scenarios, it was the best way it could have happened. The doctors and nurses were incredible. She just needed some extra oxygen, and then everything was fine. And I’m so grateful we were able to stay with her the whole time. ”
“We?” I ask. “Your husband, too?”
She nods. “Joshua came with me. My parents watched the three older kids while we were in the hospital. My mother-in-law stayed here at the house and visited the hospital to bring whatever we needed. We are really blessed with an amazing family.”
That’s something I can relate to. I have no doubt in my mind that my parents and Zach’s parents would jump in however needed if we were in that type of situation.
As if hearing his name, Joshua walks through the front door. He’s handsome for a dad in his late thirties, with blond hair and a short beard.
“Hi, ladies,” he calls softly.
Shawna turns her head toward the door, her face completely lit up at the sound of his voice. “Hey, babe.”
Joshua comes over to the couch and kisses the top of Shawna’s head. His hair looks a little rumpled, and I’m sure he’s exhausted with a new baby and all the other kids. But if he’s tired, he doesn’t let it show as he gazes at his newborn baby girl and sighs. “You doing okay? Need anything?”
Shawna shakes her head, and Joshua looks at me expectantly.
“Oh, no,” I answer. “I’m fine. I just came by to drop off dinner and I’ll be out of your hair in a few minutes.”
“No rush,” Shawna says. She looks up at Joshua. “I was just telling her about the hospital.”
Joshua blows out a breath and gives a resigned grin. “That was rough. But we made it through.”
“We did.” She looks up at him, adoration in her eyes.
He runs the back of his fingers down her cheek, holding her gaze for another moment. “Lemme get you some more water,” he says. He reaches for her giant reusable water bottle and knocks it off the table. “Yikes, sorry.”
Shawna chuckles as he picks up the bottle and heads into the kitchen, leaving us alone. “He’s so tired. But he’s really the best.”
“He seems great,” I agree. I have to admit, I admire the way she still looks at him after the years they’ve been together. She reminds me of a teenager, completely smitten with her crush.
I would love to feel that way about my husband after that many years.
I’d love to feel that way about my fiancé.
“He’s been my rock through all of this,” she says.
“I was a mess at the hospital, just sobbing about how we were supposed to be home. And the whole time, he kept telling me we were doing the right thing by getting her the help she needed, and soon we’d be home with her.
I didn’t believe him at the time, but he was right.
” She smiles, lost in the memory. “We took turns holding her all night long, skin-to-skin, and eventually her breathing evened itself out. He handled the doctors and made sure we got a space where we could be with her.”
“You guys seem perfect for each other,” I say.
“I think so,” she agrees. “Don’t get me wrong, we argue sometimes. We have very different personalities. He’s an extrovert, and I’m a major introvert. I’d rather stay home on the weekends, and he loves being with friends. But he builds me up where I lack, and the other way around.”
I nod, pensive. Is that how I am with Zach? Do I build him up where he lacks? I guess I do. He doesn’t have a job, but I do.
Is that what she means?
“It’s about being partners,” she says, drawing me from my thoughts.
“We’ve said this many times before—the idea of divorce never enters our minds.
We will work through our problems—together—no matter how much work it takes.
Because we’re committed to each other. And that means compromise.
Sometimes I have to back down on something I feel strongly about, and sometimes it’s him.
But we know we can rely on each other no matter what, and that we’ll always support each other in the end. ”
I swallow hard, taking in her words. The only compromise I remember Zach making in recent history was letting me choose the restaurant for dinner, as long as it had big enough TV screens for the game.
But the description Shawna is giving sounds more like my relationship with Ryan. Someone who builds me up when I’m down, who’s always there to support me, no matter what. Who fills in the spaces where I lack.
Shoot.
“You look like you need a friend,” Shawna says gently.
I realize I probably look like a deer in headlights as I’m processing her words. I shake my head lightly and grin at her. “Sorry. Lost in thought.”
“Don’t apologize,” she says with a smile, which makes me return it.
“Yeah, well. I’ve just been…thinking lately.”
“Oh, really?” She leans in. “Want to share?”
Do I want to share? Yes, I absolutely do. I feel the weight of my situation bearing down on me, and I need someone to talk to. But just then, little Caleb rushes into the room. “Mommy, I don’t feel so good.”
“What’s wrong?” She puts her hand up to his forehead, and her eyes widen. “Oh, no. Joshua!”
Joshua comes back from the kitchen with her cup of water. “What’s up?”
“Can you take his temperature? I think he’s got a fever.”
Joshua groans. “Are you kidding me? They were just sick two weeks ago!”
“I know, I know.” Shawna smiles up at him. “But that’s the way it is with kids, right?”
Joshua groans again and disappears to find a thermometer, Caleb trailing behind him.
“That’s what I mean,” Shawna says softly. “About being a partnership. Joshua hates when the kids get sick. It stresses him out beyond belief. And for some reason, I usually stay calm about it. So together, we make a good pair.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I guess that works out.” I check my phone and stand. “I should probably go, though. I’ve already stayed too long and you’ve got your hands full.”
“No worries,” she says. “I hope you don’t mind showing yourself out. I’m finally comfortable on the couch.”
“Of course.” I lean down and give her a quick hug. “Thank you for letting me come see baby Nora. I hope you guys enjoy dinner.”
“Thank you so much for that. I’m sure it’ll be delicious.” She grimaces. “And I hope Caleb didn’t get you sick.”
“Oh, I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I say.
Famous last words.
Because two days later, I’m sick with the worst fever I’ve had in years.