Chapter 32 Ryan
Ryan
Only one week of the semester left. Time to prepare the final exam in my cubicle.
I don’t find the exam in this drawer, but I do come across my pile of pink sticky notes from Claire, the ones I refused to throw away when I was cleaning my office. I still haven’t made a decision about them. Should I have done that by now?
All sticky notes officially ceased once Zach set the date for their wedding. In fact, almost all communication with Claire has ended since the date was set a month ago.
I can’t say I blame her. Didn’t I do the same thing when she first got engaged? But the loss of her friendship hits differently this time.
When I first found out she was engaged, I was completely devastated, but those feelings were bubbling within me and pushing me forward.
Anger, sadness, frustration with myself and the situation all piled up.
And then it all changed after talking to Chase.
I was full of hope. Confidence that I could win her over.
Elation that we were spending time together again.
Now, I just feel numb.
No, she’s not married yet. And that was my reasoning for continuing to pursue her before. But she’s making her choice clear, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
I slam the sticky note drawer shut and move on to the next drawer, the one that’s full of old exams and scratch paper.
As I riffle through the stack that’s easily two thousand sheets thick, my phone buzzes on my desk.
I peek over and see an unknown number, but my phone says MAYBE: HALEAKALA COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
I’d assumed I didn’t qualify for an interview and resigned myself to a fall semester of utter torture with Claire married. I didn’t even tell my mom about the application, not wanting to get her hopes up in case there was no chance I’d actually move out there.
But maybe there is a chance.
I drop the papers on my desk and grab my phone, running out the back door of the office so I can take the call in privacy and not have to answer questions from Grace or Betsy.
“Hello?” I say, answering the call as soon as I step outside.
“Hello, is this Ryan Matthews?” A man’s voice with a slight Hawaiian lilt asks.
“It is.”
“Hi, Ryan. My name is Jon Keahi, and I’m the math department chair here at Haleakala Community College. We just finished the paper screening of all the applications for our full-time math faculty position and would like to invite you to interview for us.”
I pump a fist in the air. This is it. This is the answer to all my problems. A job in Maui, far away from Claire and any reminders of the life I can’t have. “That’s great. Thank you.”
“Interviews are the week of May 29. We have an option to do them on Zoom, but we prefer in person.”
“I totally understand.” May 29. Just a week before Claire’s wedding. It couldn’t be more perfect even if I tried. I can go in for the interview, stay for another week or so, hang out with my mom and Kai, surf, and go sightseeing. “I’ll be there in person.”
“Fantastic. That would be great.” He gives me a few more details, letting me know there’s a lecture I’ll have to prepare on optimization word problems, which isn’t an issue because I’ve taught it every semester for the last three years.
Then he says the division assistant will be in contact soon to set up my specific interview.
We hang up, and I send a text message to Kai.
Me
I got an interview at Haleakala CC! I’ll be coming to see you at the end of May.
He writes back immediately.
Kai
I knew it! Looking forward to it, bro. See you in a few weeks.
A few weeks. In just a few weeks, everything will change.
A few hours later, I walk into my apartment. “Hey, man,” I call out to Aaron.
“In the kitchen,” he calls back. “Pam’s here.”
I step into the kitchen and wave at them. Pam’s chopping up vegetables and Aaron is sautéing something on the stove.
“I’m making stir fry,” Aaron says. “I made extra for you.”
Of course he did. “Sounds awesome. Thanks.” I clap my hands together. “Well, I have some exciting news.”
Pam and Aaron both look up at me with grins.
“Did you finally talk to Claire?” Pam asks.
I furrow my brow. “Talk to Claire? No. What’s left to say?”
“What’s left…” Pam exchanges a glance with Aaron. “Never mind. What’s your news?”
“I got an interview at Haleakala Community College!” I grin widely.
“Hey, that’s awesome,” Aaron says. “Congrats.”
“Yeah, congratulations,” Pam echoes, starting up her chopping again.
“Thanks. The interview is at the end of May. I think I’ll spend a couple of weeks there so I can vacation with my mom and Kai.”
Aaron nods. “Sounds great. I’m sure you’ll get it. I’m gonna miss having you around.”
“Yeah. I’ll miss being near you, too.” I glance at Pam, who seems unusually focused on her cutting board. “What?” I ask her.
She looks up at me, brows raised. “Huh?”
“You look like you want to say something but you’re holding back.”
“I…no. It’s…nothing.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “I think we’ve gotten to the point in our friendship that you can pretty much tell me what you need to say. What is it?”
She sets down the knife and looks at me. “If you really want to work in Hawaii, great. I’m happy for you, truly. But are you just running away from the real problem?”
“Is that even a question?” I say sarcastically. “Of course I’m running away from the real problem. I want to get away from Claire.”
“Can you honestly say that you’ve given it everything you have?”
I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”
“Have you ever said the words, ‘Claire, I’m in love with you. Don’t marry Zach’?”
“Well, no, but—”
“Then how can you give up so easily?”
“I’m not giving up!” I feel bad for raising my voice at her, so I tone it down and let out a breath. “I tried. I was constantly there for her, better than Zach ever was and ever will be. She knows how I feel about her.”
“Does she?” Pam shakes her head. “You might think you’re being obvious, but until you say the words to her face, she doesn’t know. She might hope and wish they’re true, but she’ll talk herself out of it every which way.” She looks at Aaron, exasperated. “Why don’t people just say what they feel?”
“I don’t know, babe,” he replies. “You know I don’t have that problem.”
“Well, that’s true,” she says. She picks up her knife and points it at me with a mock intense stare. “Tell Claire how you feel.”
I hold up my hands and back away from the kitchen. “I’ll think about it. Just don’t hurt me.”
She grins as I walk away, pulling my phone out of my pocket to call my mom. At least I’ll get an excited reaction out of her.
Mom answers after the first ring. “Ryan! How nice of you to call me for once!”
I laugh. “Hey, Mom.”
“I guess you love me, after all.”
“You know I do. Hey, I have some news.”
“Oh?”
I grin, excited for her reaction. “I applied for a job at Haleakala Community College. And I just found out I got an interview! I’ll be there in a couple of weeks.”
I’m met with silence.
No squeals of excitement or cheering. Just…nothing.
“Mom? Are you there?”
“Why are you doing this?” she finally asks.
“What…what do you mean?”
“I mean what I said. Why are you doing this?”
I pause, unsure how to formulate my words. “I thought you’d be excited.”
She sighs. “If this were what you truly wanted, of course I’d be excited.” She pauses. “But I know this isn’t what you want.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Ryan.” I can imagine her tilting her head at me, giving me her no-nonsense stop messing around glare. “What you want is Claire.”
I’m momentarily shocked into silence. My feelings for Claire have never been an explicit topic of conversation, and I wanted to keep it that way. “That’s not it, Mom.”
“That’s exactly it.” She chuckles. “Come on, you think your mom couldn’t tell that you’re desperately in love with her?”
“I… I didn’t…”
“It’s okay, hon. You didn’t have to say anything for me to know.”
A weight settles on my chest. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
“Disappointed?” She sounds genuinely shocked. “Why would I be disappointed?”
“Because I’d be just like Dad.”
“Oh, Ryan.” Her voice is soft. “You’ll never be like him.”
“But I’m in love with someone who’s engaged.” My voice cracks on the word love, and I clear my throat. “I would never want to encourage someone to cheat.”
“That’s not what you’re doing. There are two different things going on here.
First, she’s not married. Your dad was married.
He made a vow to me, and to you, and he broke that vow.
And second, you’re not asking her to cheat with you, right?
You’re asking her to choose you. There’s a big difference. ”
I run a hand through my hair. “I haven’t asked her anything.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
“I… Maybe? I can’t be sure.”
Mom pauses a moment. “I love you, Ryan. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.
And I’d absolutely love for you to live here with me.
But you can’t give up until you’ve said your piece.
Tell her how you feel and give her the opportunity to make a choice.
Once you’ve laid it all out, feel free to escape and run away from your problems. But don’t disappear and wonder if your life could’ve been different if you were just brave enough to tell her the truth. ”
The weight on my chest lifts off. “You really mean that?”
“Yes!” She laughs out loud. “Don’t let your fear of becoming your father hold you back from being the man you are.”
“Thanks, Mom. Okay. I’ll think about it.”
We hang up, and I fall onto my bed, thinking about her words.
At this point, what do I have to lose other than my pride?
If I tell Claire how I feel and she’s been hiding the same feelings, we can have our happily ever after and ride off into the sunset.
And if she rejects me, I already have a plan to exit gracefully.
Well, maybe not so gracefully. I’ll basically have my tail between my legs. But it’s an exit plan, nonetheless.
I need to give a relationship with Claire one last shot. One final attempt to tell her exactly how I feel, to lay it all on the line. If I don’t do it, I’ll probably regret it forever. I don’t want to be in Maui, wondering “what if.”
What if I had just told Claire how I feel?
What if she got married because she thought I didn’t care?
What if I ruined my chance at happiness with her forever?
I don’t know when or how, but I need to make a final stand.