Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
There was a knock at the door, jolting Debra from her intense train of thought. She hadn’t been able to focus on anything since the moment she’d stepped out of Brown & Co., nothing other than seeing Billie in that position with Nina, anyway.
Debra rose to her feet, choosing not to check the peephole. She didn’t even pause to breathe. Her body had recognised the dread instantly, that hollow drop in her stomach that came only with one name, one face, and one ache she hadn’t yet learned how to survive.
She opened the door and immediately froze.
Billie was on her knees.
Not collapsed or crouching…kneeling. Deliberately.
She’d never seen anyone looking so still.
Billie’s head was bowed, her shoulders were rigid, and her hands rested on her thighs as though someone had shaped her into that position and she didn’t dare move. The rain had slicked her hair to her forehead, and her coat lay abandoned beside her on the landing.
Debra didn’t quite understand what she was seeing. Her brain refused to make sense of it, scrambling for a rational explanation. Was this some kind of mistake or misunderstanding?
How the hell does someone mistakenly drop to their knees?
Before she had the chance to figure out what was going on here, Billie lifted her eyes, and Debra’s anger ignited.
“What the hell are you doing?” she snapped, the words tearing out of her mouth before she could soften them. “Have you lost your mind?”
Billie flinched.
Actually flinched.
Debra had seen Billie hold her ground several times now. Whether it was during a call with a demanding client, or Nina’s thinly veiled attitude, or even Debra herself pushing Billie just to watch her unravel…she never flinched.
Not until now.
“I’m sorry,” Billie whispered, but the words barely made it past her lips. Her voice was hoarse, thin, stripped of everything Debra associated her with. There was no command in it and no charm. No authority. Just…fear. “I’m so sorry.”
Debra’s anger surged again. What the hell gave Billie the right to come here and get on her knees to apologise…or beg? Debra assumed that would be coming next.
“You’re sorry?” Debra scoffed. “Sorry for what, Billie? For ignoring me for two weeks? For pretending I didn’t exist? For walking away like none of it mattered—”
Debra’s voice faltered when Billie bowed her head lower, her breath trembling like she couldn’t bear the sound of her own name.
“I’m sorry for wanting you. I shouldn’t have…I know I don’t deserve it.”
Debra swallowed. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
“Billie,” Debra said as she crouched in front of her. “Look at me.”
Billie didn’t move. Her hands curled, and her shoulders locked, as though the request itself was painful.
“Billie,” she repeated gently. “Hey, I need you to look at me.”
Slowly, painfully, Billie lifted her head, and Debra’s breath caught.
Tears. Actual tears spilled down Billie’s face. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide, devastated in a way Debra had never seen…not from Billie, not from anyone.
Debra’s fury dissolved instantly, only to be replaced with something incredibly saddening. “Stand up. Please.”
“May I?” she asked, barely above a whisper as she trembled. “I…I-it’s not a trick?”
Debra’s stomach dropped so violently that she felt dizzy. “What? W-why would you think that?”
“I hurt you,” Billie choked out a sob. “I keep hurting you. I didn’t mean to, I just…I thought distancing myself would help, but everything got worse, and I—”
“Billie, stop,” Debra said as she rose to her feet again, instinct overriding everything else. “Just stand up. Come on. We can go inside and talk.”
That raw look in her eyes—frightened and pleading—hit Debra so hard she had to steady her own breath.
This wasn’t Billie Brown. It wasn’t the composed, unshakeable woman she knew.
This was someone broken apart. Someone who had been holding themselves together for so long that the moment she’d cracked, everything had come pouring out.
Gently, Debra hooked a hand under Billie’s arm and tugged her up. “Stand up. I’ve got you.”
A shiver moved through Billie’s whole body, and then, as if Debra’s permission was the only thing holding her together, she rose on trembling legs, swaying immediately.
Debra caught her.
The moment their bodies touched, Billie collapsed inwards, her forehead lowering to Debra’s shoulder.
“Oh, sweetheart…” The endearment slipped out unexpectedly. “What happened to you?”
Billie’s breath hitched, her body shaking against Debra’s. Instead of pushing again, Debra wrapped her arms around Billie and held her. Billie melted against her, almost slumping to her knees, but Debra held her up as she somehow managed to guide Billie just inside and close the door.
“Have you been drinking?”
Billie stepped back and clasped her hands in front of herself. “I had one. I swear. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Hey, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve had. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on here.”
Billie’s eyes flickered with something Debra couldn’t name. A clarity of some kind? A realisation? “I…saw you tonight.”
“Yes, I know. We spoke to one another at the restaurant.” Debra could mention the office too, but she suspected doing so would tip Billie over the edge. She wasn’t prepared to risk that. Not when she had no idea what was going on here. “Was it something I said that made you feel like…this?”
Billie visibly swallowed. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I just need to say sorry and take my punishment.”
“Billie, I—”
“Please, don’t make me beg. I came here willingly, the way I’m supposed to. I promised I wouldn’t beg and make you whip me.”
Everything within Debra recoiled. She had never, in her entire existence, heard a sentence like that. “I…what?”
“You were happy tonight. You were laughing, and you looked happy without me. That’s my fault because I always break everything. But your happiness is the most important thing to me, Janet.”
Who the hell was Janet?
“Billie, I’m not Janet. I’m Debra. Your client from the shop.”
Billie looked away. “Right, yeah. I knew that.”
Debra took Billie’s hand slowly and dipped her head. She didn’t want to do this standing behind her front door. She wanted to sit down with Billie and give her a moment to come around from whatever was going on inside of her. “Will you sit down with me?”
“If you want me to.”
“I’d really like it if you did.” Debra smiled as she cocked her head towards the couch. “Maybe I could put the kettle on while you’re here.”
“I didn’t know it would hurt.” Billie followed Debra into the living room and stood in the middle of it, looking down at the floor. “I didn’t know I could feel like that.”
While Debra appreciated what Billie was saying, it was important that she reminded her of the reason why Debra had been at the restaurant with someone else tonight. “You…don’t want me, Billie. You’ve been gone for over two weeks now. You do remember that, don’t you?”
“How could I forget?” Billie lowered herself to the couch on shaky legs. “You were the best thing I’ve ever had in my life, however brief it may have been.”
Debra didn’t want to make it obvious, but it seemed Billie was beginning to come back into the room again. Still, the confession broke something inside Debra that she hadn’t realised had been waiting to break.
Debra crouched in front of her again. “Billie, why did you come here like that? On your knees?”
Billie looked down at her shaking hands and swallowed. “I panicked after I saw you. After what you’d watched me doing at the shop. I-I…um, I-I reverted. Back to what I know…to what used to work. To…how I survived.”
Survived.
That word slid down Debra’s spine like ice.
“Billie,” she whispered, horrified that she was having this conversation at all. “You don’t have to kneel for me. You never have to kneel for anyone.”
Billie’s eyes filled with tears again, spilling over her lashes. “When I do something wrong, I kneel. That’s the way it is.”
“You’re not in trouble. I was angry, yes. I’m hurt. But you don’t get on your knees for that.”
Billie’s bottom lip trembled. “I do.”
“No,” Debra said firmly. “You don’t.”
“I saw your face,” Billie whispered, as another tear fell.
“The way you looked at me when you were standing in the doorway. It was like you finally understood what everyone else eventually does. That I’m nothing.
Nothing worth caring about anyway. I didn’t want to be that person again.
I never wanted to be that person again. I…
was surviving in the best way I know how. ”
Debra reached out and took Billie’s hands in her own. They were ice-cold. There was nothing performative or manipulative going on here. Just devastation…and a woman who had folded herself into a shape she thought would keep her from being abandoned.
“I’m not going to punish you or humiliate you.
” Debra squeezed her hands. “I came to the shop tonight because I wanted to say goodbye to you. It was clear you didn’t want to see me again, and after my date, I realised that maybe we were only supposed to have so much time with one another.
That perhaps you’d been right, and I should walk away.
I was hurt and confused, I still am to some extent, but I still care about you.
Your decision to not want to see me anymore doesn’t change that. ”
Billie’s shoulders sagged at that, the tension draining out of her as though the words themselves had been permission to breathe. “I don’t know how to be wanted, but I don’t want to lose you.”
Oh God.
Debra reached out and cupped Billie’s face.
She wiped her tears away, grounding her with a touch she hoped wasn’t too much.
“Things may have ended the way they did, but I am here for you.” Debra would offer Billie nothing more than friendship right now.
She wasn’t in the right headspace to receive anything other than that.
“Look, we know where we stand with one another, and I’m okay with it.
But please, don’t punish yourself like this.
I’m okay, I’ll be okay. Right now, you are my priority. ”
“Y-you don’t hate me?”
Debra regarded Billie with a gentle smile. “Hate isn’t an emotion I carry.”
“I am sorry. For everything.”
“We can talk another day. I think tonight, you should rest.”
Billie looked back at Debra with tears in her eyes as she lifted her hand and kissed the back of it. That one movement, those lips pressed to her skin, reminded Debra of the happier times she’d shared with this woman. “Thank you.”
Debra touched her cheek. “You’re safe here with me. I promise.”
“This is probably too much to ask, but…could I stay a while? I need to liven myself up before I walk home.”
“Stay the night. I have a spare room.”
“No, I couldn’t ask you to do that for me. I don’t deserve to be here and—
Debra cut her off as she lifted a hand. “I offered, and quite frankly, I’d feel better knowing you’re here. I’ll only lie awake worrying all night.”
“Okay, well, could I use the bathroom, please?”
“Of course. You know where it is.”
The moment Billie slipped off into the bathroom, Debra brought her knees to her chest. Her thoughts spiralled, looping anxiously around the image of Billie on her knees, the flinch, the tears. The submission that hadn’t looked remotely sexual or even controlled.
No, it had looked conditioned…learned.
Her stomach roiled. What the hell had happened to her? What had been done to her? She didn’t want to guess or assume, but her mind filled the silence anyway.
Was it her ex? Did someone train her to kneel like that? Is this trauma or panic or both? Is this why she kept her distance? Why she shut down? Why she bolted the moment things became real?
She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. They had a lot of talking to do tomorrow, but for now, Debra would put her own feelings aside…and offer Billie whatever comfort she could.
“God, Billie…”