Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Debra had been standing at the kitchen sink for nearly five minutes before she realised she hadn’t washed a single cup. Her hands rested on the edge of the counter, her gaze unfocused as the kettle clicked off behind her.
The last twenty-four hours replayed in fragments she couldn’t quite put into any sort of order. Billie on her knees. That flinch and those tears. The weight of her body collapsing into Debra’s arms as though she’d been holding herself together by sheer determination alone.
Debra closed her eyes and willed her tears away. She had slept last night, eventually. It hadn’t been a deep or peaceful sleep, but it had been enough for her to somehow function today. Which was precisely what she’d needed so she could make sure Billie was fed, watered, and driven home safely.
The sound of the doorbell jolted her, and for one very brief moment, her heart leapt with the idea that Billie had come back. It hadn’t even been an hour since Debra had left her at her apartment; she knew it wouldn’t be Billie.
She moved towards the door and opened it, her eyes widening when her daughter stared back at her. “Charlotte!”
She stood on the landing with a canvas tote bag slung over her shoulder and that particular expression Debra had come to know too well since her separation from Gerald. Concern masked as casualness.
“Hi, Mum.” Charlotte smiled. “Surprise.”
Debra frowned. “What are you doing here? I thought you were working tonight.”
“I…swapped my shift.” Charlotte moved inside, immediately dropping her bag by the door. She looked around the flat as though she’d never stepped foot inside before today, then turned to Debra. “Caleb said you didn’t seem yourself the other day.”
Debra inconspicuously swallowed. She really didn’t want to drag her kids into her personal life. It wasn’t necessary. “Oh, he did, did he?”
“He noticed. Which is saying something, because you usually hide it better than that.”
Debra closed the door behind her. “I was just tired. Doing nothing with your life can be surprisingly taxing.”
“Mum.”
There it was. That worried look she’d tried to avoid being the cause of.
Charlotte shrugged off her coat and followed Debra into the kitchen. “He said you were distracted and quieter than usual. He…asked if you were sad again.”
Debra busied herself with the kettle, grateful for something to do with her hands. “I am allowed to be sad sometimes.”
“I know you are.” Charlotte leaned back against the counter. “But you don’t usually let it show, and you definitely don’t let Caleb see it.”
She turned and met her daughter’s eyes. She looked so much like Debra today that it startled her. She had that same crease between her brows when she was worried.
“This isn’t about the divorce, is it?” Charlotte narrowed her eyes. “Mum?”
Debra could have lied, it certainly would have been easier, but Debra had never lied to her children, and she wasn’t going to start doing that now. “It’s…nothing to worry about.”
“Okay, I won’t push.” Charlotte stepped forward and wrapped Debra up in a hug.
She hadn’t known she’d needed it until she melted against her daughter.
“I know it’s been tough for you, Mum. I know you probably feel really lonely now that Dad isn’t around, too.
But you’re not alone, okay? You have me, you have Caleb, and you have amazing friends. ”
“I know, love.”
They sat at the small kitchen table with coffee as they talked about the latest goings on in everyone’s life.
The course Charlotte was currently on, Caleb’s latest obsession with gaming, and then came the mutual eyeroll at Gerald’s most recent email about paperwork he should have read properly the first time.
Debra found herself easing into what she could consider to be a normal afternoon, even laughing at one point.
And then the buzzer went.
If Charlotte hadn’t been here, she would have prayed it was Billie, but right now, she was hoping it was anyone other than the woman she couldn’t quite let go of.
“Are you expecting someone?” Charlotte asked as she stood up and moved towards the intercom.
“No, I don’t think so.”
Charlotte pressed the intercom speaker. “Hello?”
“Delivery for Debra Allen.”
Debra’s heart stuttered. She wasn’t expecting any deliveries. She was sure of it.
“Yep,” Charlotte said. “This is her place. Come on up.”
The knock on the door came only a moment later.
When Debra opened it, the scent hit her first. The delivery driver held out an arrangement so large that Debra had to take a step back to accommodate it. Cream and blush blooms spilled over the edges of the boxed vase, interwoven with greenery and delicate sprigs.
“There’s a card,” the driver said as he handed it over. “Have a good day.”
Debra closed the door slowly, her pulse whooshing in her ears. She suspected it would be from Billie, but she was scared of the contents inside the envelope. Not only because it could be a goodbye, but also because Charlotte was peering over at her from the other side of the kitchen island.
“Bloody hell, Mum. Those are gorgeous!”
Debra stared at the card, her fingers trembling as she opened it.
Debra,
I didn’t know how else to say thank you without overstepping.
Thank you for your kindness last night. For your patience and for not turning me away when it would have been easier for you to do so.
I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.
I don’t expect anything in return for these, and I don’t expect to see you again.
Please know that I understand if you’d rather not bring someone so complicated further into your life.
I just wanted you to have something equally as beautiful as you in your home today.
— Billie
Debra’s vision blurred as she lowered herself into the nearest chair before her legs gave out. She pressed the card to her chest, breathing through the sudden ache there.
“Mum, are you okay?”
Debra bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. “Yes. They’re from…someone.”
“Someone important?” When Debra nodded, Charlotte glanced at the flowers again. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Not right now.”
Charlotte reached out and squeezed her hand. “Okay, but you know where I am if you do.”
Debra sat there, reading over the card once again.
Billie wasn’t complicated, and Debra wished she wouldn’t think of herself in that way.
She had a past, a traumatic one by the looks of it, but she wasn’t complicated.
She was beautiful, she was intelligent, and she was a human being.
Didn’t they all have flaws and scars? Didn’t everyone deserve a chance to work on themselves and then try again?
“You know,” Charlotte said as she cleared her throat. “Whoever sent those clearly cares about you a lot.”
Debra smiled as she closed her eyes. Billie appeared, and her heart settled. “Yes. I think they do.”
Billie had been sitting on the couch in the exact same spot Ella had left her in.
If she closed her eyes and blocked everything else out, she could still smell Debra’s perfume in the air.
It was a scent that didn’t usually belong in Billie’s neutral space, but it was a reminder that she had been there today, and nothing terrible had happened as a result of it.
It was proof that the last twenty-four hours hadn’t been some stress-induced distortion.
She hoped Debra had received the flowers she’d sent. Billie knew it wasn’t enough, it didn’t even scratch the surface when it came to an apology, but Debra enjoyed flowers, and Billie knew they would brighten her flat up after the misery Billie had taken into it the night before.
All you can do is be honest moving forward.
Billie didn’t know what that looked like from her side of things, but Debra didn’t strike her as the kind of woman who would push away that honesty. In fact, just a few weeks ago, she’d asked for Billie’s honesty and nothing more.
Yeah, but your honesty just got a whole lot bigger than most people can handle.
It was true, but Billie still believed Debra was the right woman to share her past with. After all, she was the only woman who had managed to successfully turn Billie’s head in a long time.
She stared down at her hands when a knock at the door came. Not the buzzer, not a call to say someone was downstairs, but a gentle, cautious knock. Whoever it was, they knew the access code downstairs.
A strange sensation worked its way down her spine.
Debra had asked her for the code this morning when Billie’s hands had shook too much for her to enter it herself. And she’d said she would check on Billie this evening. Still, if it was Debra, Billie hadn’t expected her to make the trip across London.
When she opened the door, Debra stood there with her coat buttoned up and her car keys in her hand. Billie recognised the stance. Debra was deciding whether she wanted to be invited in or not.
“Hi. I just wanted to check on you. I wasn’t sure if it was okay to stop by, but I didn’t really want to do it over the phone.”
“Of course it is. Come in.” Billie stepped aside and smiled as Debra crossed the threshold. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“No, thank you. I won’t stay long. You’re probably exhausted.”
Instead of insisting she put the coffee machine on, Billie joined Debra on the couch and folded her hands in her lap.
God, even she knew she looked as though she was holding herself together.
And right now, she was. Because she had no idea how this conversation was going to go.
Billie…desperately wanted to try with Debra.
“I know today has been a lot for you.”
Billie smiled weakly. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“So, I’m going to ask you once, and I want you to be honest with me.” Debra studied her face. “Are you okay?”
“I’m…managing. Which is usually my goal.”
Debra’s mouth curved slightly, but there was a sadness there. “You don’t always have to manage.”
“I know. It’s something I’ll work on.”
The room fell silent, mostly because Billie didn’t know where to go with anything next. Debra had sat away from her; she’d shown concern and said no more, and now Billie didn’t know what to lead with. She didn’t know what came next in terms of being a normal human being with emotions.
“I got your flowers,” Debra said as she loosened the scarf around her neck. “Stunningly beautiful.”
“I hope they didn’t feel like an intrusion.”
“They didn’t. They were thoughtful.” Debra shifted on the couch. “I’ve been thinking about everything that’s happened. About last night and what you went through.”
Billie’s stomach knotted instinctively.
“I don’t think now is the right time to unpack all of it. Not when it’s still so raw.”
Relief and disappointment washed over Billie in equal measure.
“I think it may be for the best if I step back for a little while.”
There it was. The sentence Billie had been bracing for and dreading.
“To give you space. Time, too. I think you need room to breathe.”
Billie swallowed as she nodded. “Okay.”
Her voice sounded calm, but inside, something folded in on itself.
Debra watched her with narrowed eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”
Billie paused. She knew what she wanted to say, and she knew what she wanted to happen, but instead she gave Debra the version of herself that she’d perfected years ago. It didn’t matter what she wanted deep down.
I don’t want you to go. Please don’t leave me alone with this. I don’t know how to ask you to stay, but I need you.
“I trust your judgement.” Billie wrung her hands in her lap and smiled. “I have a feeling you’re very good at knowing what people need.”
Those words felt wrong as she said them.
Debra nodded, though Billie noted the uncertainty as it flickered across her face. “This isn’t me walking away.”
“I know. I understand.” And she did. Well, she understood the kind of care that asked her to expect nothing and be grateful for whatever remained.
“Right now, I just want you to get plenty of rest, and…I don’t know, figure out what your life looks like now.” Debra stood and smoothed down her coat. “I think we both need the space, given the whirlwind of the last month or so.”
Billie rose with a fake smile and walked Debra to the door.
It felt strange escorting her out of a space that had only just started to feel less empty.
Still, Billie was used to this. She was used to wanting but never having.
She was used to aching but never feeling relief.
She was used to destroying anything meaningful in her life.
And while Debra was saying the right things, Billie knew what this really was.
It was Debra’s way of hoping she could keep Billie sane…
while walking away and never looking back.
Debra turned to her as she reached the door. “You will be okay, Billie. It may take some time, but I do hope you can get to a place where you don’t feel the need to protect yourself all the time.”
Billie nodded. “I know.”
When Debra leaned in and kissed her cheek, a painful ache settled in Billie’s throat. “Take care of yourself.”
“Yeah, I-I will.”
The door closed, and Billie stood there, staring at the place where Debra had been, listening to the quiet reclaim her apartment inch by inch.
If Debra needed space, Billie would give it. If Debra wanted distance, Billie would honour it. She had survived by asking for nothing, and she could do it again.