Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Of all the ways Debra had imagined her life changing, this hadn’t been one of them.
She walked beside Billie along the river, the late afternoon light turning the Thames into a murky grey, and felt…
incredibly loved. That sense of ease between them still frightened her at times, but she’d stopped interrogating it and chose to let it exist instead.
Because really, all it meant was that she had something to lose.
If she didn’t care about Billie and if she didn’t ache for a future with her, then she would be questioning why she was here with her at all.
She was wearing her suit today. The suit. She’d worn it once before, for a dinner party she’d hosted at her flat with Maeve and a friend or two, but walking beside Billie while she was wearing it was a whole other experience.
Debra had caught her reflection earlier in the glass of a shopfront and barely recognised herself.
Not because she looked different exactly, but because she carried herself differently when she wore it.
The cut was perfect, and she felt as though she belonged in it.
She didn’t shrink in it, and she didn’t soften herself to be palatable.
No, these days, she took up space without apology.
Billie had done that. Billie was responsible for all the ways she was feeling lately.
“You look very smug.” Billie nudged her lightly with her shoulder.
“Mmhmm.” Debra smiled. “I feel smug.”
“You should. That suit was a labour of love.”
Debra glanced at her, her heart giving that well-known, inconvenient lurch.
Billie was dressed as she always was in her dark suit, dark coat, and her hands tucked into her pockets, but she still moved like someone who knew exactly who she was.
There was a different kind of confidence there now that hadn’t existed six months ago.
It wasn’t defensive; it was simply who she was.
Billie’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out, her brow creasing before she laughed.
“What?” Debra asked.
“Caleb.” Billie laughed again. “He’s just asked if I’ll make him a suit.”
Debra stopped walking. “H-he what?”
Billie turned the screen towards her.
Hey Billie. Random question. Would you ever make a suit for someone who spills coffee on themselves and owns one tie?
Debra stared at it, her eyes wide. “I can’t believe this.”
“I can. He’s been pretty vocal lately, don’t you think?”
Billie was right. Caleb was turning into an entirely different person. Debra had spoken with her ex-husband, asking whether he’d noticed it too, but Gerald claimed that Caleb was no different. That only left one explanation. Billie Brown had that effect on her son.
She watched with a deep sense of love sitting firmly in her chest as Billie responded to Caleb immediately. That love only strengthened when Billie showed Debra her response.
I can make space in my schedule the next time you’re back from uni. No coffee near the fabric, though. That’s non-negotiable.
Billie slipped her phone away and smiled to herself. “Done. I’ll sort him out. He knows that.”
“You know,” Debra said as they started walking again. “A few months ago, I would have panicked at that.”
“At Caleb asking me for a suit?”
“At…any of it. All of it,” Debra admitted.
“My kids. You. This.” She gestured between them, at the river, the city, this life unfolding without a script.
“The last three weeks have felt like I’m living in the twilight zone.
Charlotte calls and asks about you, Caleb is asking you to make him a suit, and me?
Well, I’m just incredibly happy to have you in my life. ”
“And your bed, right?”
Debra swatted at Billie’s arm, her cheeks heating. “Mind out of the gutter!”
“Fine.” Billie rolled her eyes playfully. “I do understand what you’re saying. I didn’t expect the kids to take to me so quickly either, but I’m not thinking about it. We get along, and that’s the only thing that matters.”
Debra looped an arm through Billie’s and pressed her temple to Billie’s shoulder. “I just don’t know what comes next. Everyone else seems to have it all worked out, but I’m just here…waking up each day with no idea what to do with myself.”
Billie slowed and pressed a kiss to the top of Debra’s head. “You don’t have to know what comes next. You’ve spent years doing what you were supposed to do and what was expected of you, so maybe this part is about figuring out what you want.”
Debra lifted her head and gazed back at Billie. “And if I don’t land on anything dramatic or impressive?”
“I’ll still love you the same.”
Debra wasn’t worried about matching Billie financially, she was far more than comfortable, but she did want to do something with her life. If only she could figure out what.
They reached the rail overlooking the Thames and stopped, the noise of the city blurring into something distant and unimportant. The water moved steadily below them as Debra turned to Billie, her hands coming to rest at Debra’s waist.
“I’m serious, Debra. Just take time to be.
You don’t need to rush and worry about what you’re supposed to be doing.
Maybe you’ll decide you don’t want to do anything at all at some point.
” Debra drew back, giving Billie a knowing look.
“Okay, fine. You find it hard to sit still, and you’ll absolutely decide on something. ”
“Correct.”
“All I’m saying is that you don’t need to figure it out right now. Lie on the couch and read a book. Spend your days drinking cocktails with Maeve. So long as you have a smile on your face whenever I see you, I don’t care.”
Debra sighed as she pressed herself to Billie. “I didn’t know life could feel like this.”
“Like what, babe?”
“Like I haven’t shown up late to it and missed all the fun.”
Billie leaned in and kissed her. It was one of those kisses that reminded Debra that this was all very real. When they drew back, Billie rested her forehead against Debra’s. “I told you I’d make sure we were happy, and I meant it.”
“I’m already happy, Billie.”
“Good. Then I’m doing my job.”
The wind whipped around them, sending a shiver down Debra’s spine. She wanted to get out of here and lounge for the rest of the night, especially when Billie had promised her risotto this morning. “Come on. I have a spot on your couch with my name on it.”
“Oh, just a spot? I thought the whole place had your name on it.”
Debra smirked as she lifted a shoulder. “Maybe it does. We’ll just have to find out later this evening.”
Billie had one hip pressed to the counter, a wooden spoon moving lazily through the risotto as steam curled up around her forearm.
She was still damp from her shower, her hair swept back off her face, gym shorts and an old T-shirt clinging to her in patches.
She hadn’t bothered to check herself in the mirror.
She was too busy being domesticated. She was also too comfortable to care.
Caleb’s voice crackled through the phone where it sat on the counter, set to loudspeaker so Billie could focus on dinner at the same time. “So you’re saying you can actually make me look decent in a suit?”
Billie smiled to herself. “Have you not googled me, Caleb? I work out of one of the finest Atelier’s in Europe, my friend.”
“That’s big-headed.” Caleb snorted.
“No. It’s called knowing your worth and being honest about it.”
She heard Debra laughing from the living room.
As Billie glanced over at her, she had her feet tucked up beneath her on the couch while Billie’s hoodie practically swallowed her whole.
The TV played in the background, but it was only some documentary Debra had put on and then promptly stopped watching because she was too busy watching Billie instead.
Billie felt those blue eyes on her. She always did.
“You won’t make me look too ‘politician’, will you?” Caleb asked. “I want something that says I tried, but not too hard.”
“That’s always the sweet spot, kid,” Billie said as she kept stirring. “I’ll sort it, don’t you worry. We’ll do something classic. You’ll hate the fittings, but I’ll make it painless.”
“So, I should just trust you. Is that what you’re saying?”
Billie winked in Debra’s direction. “You should. Your mum does.”
“Yeah. She really does.”
Billie’s chest had that pleasant ache in it. Something that happened more often than not lately. “Text me some dates when you’re back from uni.”
“Okay. Thanks, Billie.”
“No need to thank me. I’m looking forward to it. Maybe we could get some lunch once we’re done with your first fitting. I could do with some pointers for the new Call of Duty you convinced me to buy.”
“Absolutely not!” Debra shouted from the other side of the room. “I’m not sitting here watching you pretend you’re in the SAS or whatever the hell it is you do in that game.”
“Oh, my God.” Caleb snorted. “Did Mum just mention the SAS?”
“She did. Let her think she knows what she’s talking about. I won’t hear the end of it otherwise.”
When the call ended, Billie set her phone down and leaned back against the counter. She glanced over her shoulder, but Debra hadn’t moved from her spot. She was still lounging and still watching her with that soft, unmistakable look that had started to feel a lot like home.
“What?” Billie asked.
“You.” Debra shrugged. “In shorts, cooking…talking to my son like it’s the most normal thing in the world.”
Billie turned the heat down a notch. “It is normal.”
A slow smile spread on Debra’s lips. “It is now.”