31. Pearl Davis
31
Pearl Davis
“Did you pray about it? What is the Holy Spirit nudging you to do?” Beatrice asks gently. Despite the patchy connection, I know what great lengths she has gone so that I can hear her voice. When I emailed her about feeling lost and needing a mentor’s opinion, she immediately responded with reassurance. She promised to make the trek into the city just to have this conversation with me. Unfortunately, Fynn had to stay back in the village to teach Sunday School. With a 12-hour time difference, it was already Sunday in Cambodia while it was late Saturday night for me.
“I’ve been asking God to remove Zane from my life since the first time I met him. I knew he’d be trouble for my heart. I knew it then, and yet, I still let him get closer. Now, I feel like God is punishing me for not going with my first instinct.”
“Have you considered that your restlessness may be stemming from not seeking God’s will in this matter? It seems to me that you told Him what you wanted and never took the time to listen. But prayer is not just about asking the Lord for what we want. It’s about presenting our requests and asking for His will to be done in our lives.”
“But he’s an unbeliever!” I say, my words tinged with a hint of pride. I quickly attempt to soften my tone, adding, “God’s word makes it clear whom we should and shouldn’t be yoked with.”
“You’ve already mentioned that honey, but from what you’ve recounted, Zane doesn’t seem to be leading you away from God. It makes me wonder if you could be the light in his life. I don’t mean that you need to jump into a romantic relationship with him, but you and Robyn can invite him to be part of your church family. You just need to make things clear to him.” Suddenly, a light bulb switches on in my mind.
He’s attended our church. He’s allowed me to share my faith in our conversations without pushing me away. He even mentioned that one of the things he admires about me is how I live out my faith by loving others.
And that kiss had so much self-control and restraint, and it definitely wasn’t my doing.
I hadn’t delved past “we kissed at the wedding” with Beatrice. She didn’t need to know all the details of the best kiss of my life.
“I’m afraid to get hurt again, Beatrice. Clay asked me to be a light in his life, but it turned out to just be an excuse to get into bed with me. By the time I realized his true intentions, my heart was already fully invested. I’d rather die than go through that again with Zane.”
Tears fill the corner of my eyes. Thinking the best of people has caused more damage to my heart than good. And although every fiber of my being tells me that Zane is different, I’m still too afraid. The thought of him hurting me is my biggest fear. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I’m certain the pain would surpass all the heartbreaks I’ve endured if he were to break my heart.
“Don’t say that. The guys you’ve dated in the past pursued you for the wrong reasons, and I admire how cautious you’ve become. It shows you’ve learned. But now, fear seems to be guiding all your decisions. And why haven’t you told Zane all this? Keeping him at arm’s length without giving him a valid reason is probably why he keeps coming back,” she urges in her motherly tone.
I sink onto my bed to lie on my back, prop the phone on my pillow and put it on speaker. My gaze drifts up at the ceiling as I voice my fears, “I fear that if I explain to him that the only reason I can’t date him is because I can’t be with someone who doesn’t share my faith in Jesus, he might just claim he does to win me over. Just like he attended church at the drop of a hat.”
“Once again, acting out of fear isn’t the same as exercising caution. After Clay, you have more discernment now. Remember, you can always ask the Lord to help you discern his true intentions.”
I rub my eyes, feeling more confused than ever. All I wanted out of this conversation was clarity, but even Beatrice isn’t helping, much like Robyn .
Who will?
“Honey, remember, God is never without a plan. Trust Him in every aspect of your life and that includes your love life. Release the grip of past hurts and your preconceived ideas of how love should find you. Your wisdom is admirable, but relying solely on it won’t suffice if you’re seeking to honor your Savior.
“Coming to Jesus with humility for guidance might seem daunting, but remember, your future isn’t a mystery to Him. While you may believe you’re guarding your heart, God’s care for you surpasses your own understanding. Trust Him. The Holy Spirit will never mislead you. Whether it’s parting ways with Zane or letting him into your life, peace will accompany the path God leads you on, even if you have to make a hard decision.”
She concludes with a prayer for me and hangs up, leaving me to ponder her words.
The hardest part of all this is that Beatrice is spot-on. I haven’t once prayed for God’s will. I’ve only asked and begged for Zane to vanish from my heart and life. And despite my efforts to distance myself from him, the peace I’ve been chasing still eludes me.
I close my eyes, still lying on my back, and whisper softly, “Jesus, I realize now that I’ve been approaching You with my own plans, driven by fear rather than faith. I haven’t sought Your will for my relationship with Zane. Today, I surrender control to You. Show me clearly whether Zane should remain in my life or not. I want to trust You with my heart and not rely solely on my past experiences, though I acknowledge they’ve served their purpose. Lord, lead me where You will.”
In my prayer, something became clear. After Clay, I stopped trusting the Lord in matters of my heart. He was the first relationship where I felt peace because I wasn’t constantly trying to compromise my values as I had in past relationships.
His genuine interest in knowing the Lord reassured me, and I was happy to be part of his testimony. My dream of getting married way before thirty was on the verge of becoming a reality. So when he shattered my heart, I was left utterly bewildered.
Why hadn’t God intervened? Why had He even allowed me to meet Clay? All I wanted was a Christ-centered relationship, so it didn’t make sense that I had been deceived. And now, with Zane, I’ve been fighting my own battle rather than allowing God to shield me because I doubted whether He could prevent a heartbreak, since He hadn’t in the past.
May the trials in my life draw me closer to Jesus, not drive me further away. Help me to fully trust you again, Lord.
I hear a thud at my door, and Robyn bursts in. She sees the tears on my face and wraps her arms around me. “Don’t worry, I’m not sad. Beatrice gave me some food for thought.”
“Great. I came to show you this,” she says, holding her phone up to my face, displaying Zane’s social media profile.
“What? I don’t think I need to see his pictures to remind myself of him,” I scoff. If she thinks I haven’t already stalked his profile since the wedding, she really overestimates me.
“Read the bio, P,” she insists, her voice pitched with excitement.
I reluctantly glance at the screen and read aloud, “2 Corinthians 5:17.” A rush of warmth fills my insides as I recite the verse silently to myself.
‘Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come’
It’s one of my favorite verses.
“Did he tell you anything about this?” Robyn asks, her eyes wide.
“No, nothing. I mean, I haven’t exactly given him the chance to tell me anything, but this...has he always had this in his bio?” I’m now sitting up.
“Negative. I don’t check his profile often because he rarely posts anything, but the last time I looked, it was just his team and position on there.”
“I just prayed for clarity about him. It’s the first time I’ve truly asked for God’s will in this situation.”
“Well, consider this your sign. Next time I need prayers answered quickly, I’ll know who to turn to!” She tosses her hair.
Biting my lip, I say, “But this could also mean nothing. Lots of people walk around with verses tattooed on their bodies and they aren’t devoted Christians. Maybe he thought it was a nice verse. I’ve shared many verses with him before, and he’s never asked me to stop.”
“If this were a verse from the book of Proverbs, Psalms, or even Ecclesiastes, I’d be tempted to follow that train of thought,” she holds my gaze, “but, P, let’s be honest, that doesn’t sound like a verse anyone would willy-nilly put on their bio. Especially not someone like Zane who admitted to not believing in God over a month ago.”
“You’re right. I just hate tooting my own horn for nothing. But I must admit, I’m intrigued.”
“I think you should talk to him. Not just about reliving that magical kiss, but also to find out what he’s been up to these past few weeks.”
I shove a pillow in her face.
After the wedding, I told Robyn how I felt like Cinderella when Zane kissed me. I still picture his crestfallen expression when I referred to it as a mistake, and it breaks my heart. It didn’t feel wrong, but labeling it as such made avoiding him and his out-of-this-world charm seem easier.
“You know all about hockey. Do you think hockey players who bump into other people all day can really want salvation? Especially someone as popular as Zane?”
“Pearl!” Now she’s the one who hits me hard with the pillow. “You know Jesus came to save everyone. Anyone who calls on His name will be saved. And Zane Ortiz? I can easily picture him as a devoted Christian,” she says, closing her eyes as if having faith has a certain look. “In fact, he’s super close to the team’s captain, Tyler Collymore, who is unashamedly Christian. And I think Carson Adler is a believer too.”
It always surprises me how she still refers to them by their first and last names, especially since she’s already met Zane .
“I know. I sound awful. I just really don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ll text him,” I say, picking up my phone. It’s too late, he probably won’t see it until tomorrow.
“All right. We need to get some sleep if we’re planning to make it to the baptism tomorrow,” Robyn says, rising from my bed. I almost forgot about tomorrow.
Robyn and I like to attend every baptism. Some people come without their families to celebrate, and the church invites anyone who wants to join in welcoming their new life with them. Baptism Sunday is my favorite. It always reminds me of how my life changed when I sank into that water and rose back up. That’s when the verse in Zane’s bio became a truth in my life.
“Right. Good night, Robs. Love you.” I blow her a kiss.
“Love you too, P. I’m rooting for you two,” she says, holding up two fingers like a peace sign, slightly tilted for effect.
“Of course you are,” I reply with a grin as she closes the door.
If I thought sleep was hard to come by this week, the possibility of Zane accepting Jesus in his life isn’t going to let me catch a wink.