Chapter 5 #2
She pressed her hand against my arm, and I looked down at it, remembering the jolt every time Nick and I had touched.
It was as though some sort of chemical reaction was occurring, something that connected us through the years, the decades.
I didn’t have enough knowledge of science or anything else to understand it.
All I could be certain of was that it was true.
‘Do you want me to arrange for some more grief counselling?’
‘No!’ I said, pulling my arm away. ‘This isn’t about Greg, or about grief, or anything like that. This happened.’
‘I know why you might want to believe that, but it’s impossible, Ems. You know that, right?’ She shuffled towards me and tucked her finger under my chin, turning my head so we were looking right at each other. ‘I’m worried about you.’
‘You don’t need to be.’ I felt a pressure building behind my eyes and I knew I was on the verge of tears.
I so desperately wanted her to believe me, and yet I didn’t blame her for thinking this was my mind playing tricks on me.
Because I’d be exactly the same if the situation were reversed. An idea occurred to me then.
‘Come with me.’
‘What?’
‘Tomorrow. Come with me when I meet Nick and I’ll show you.’
She paused for a moment, clearly torn between agreeing and telling me I needed help.
‘Please,’ I said.
‘Okay.’ She sighed heavily. ‘For you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘And now,’ she said, hauling herself up to standing, ‘I think you really need to eat.’
The following evening I arrived at the park gates a few minutes early, pacing up and down as I waited for Rachel. I had no idea whether this was going to work – there were so many things that could go wrong – but it was the only thing I could think of to try.
‘Hey.’ I jumped at Rachel’s voice. I must have looked scared because when I spun round she held her hands up in surrender. ‘It’s only me,’ she said.
‘Sorry.’ I smiled, a weak attempt at trying to relax.
We set off into the park, falling into step.
‘I need to apologise to you,’ she said.
I glanced at her. ‘What for?’
‘Not believing you.’
‘I don’t blame you.’
She shook her head. ‘It was wrong of me to dismiss you like that. It’s just… you know I worry about you, don’t you? Since Greg.’
‘I do.’
‘I just wanted to be sure that this wasn’t all some elaborate trick your mind was playing on you.’
‘So are you saying that you believe me now?’
I stared down at our feet, which were walking in perfect unison. Suddenly, Rachel’s stopped moving. When I looked back at her she was just standing there, staring at the bandstand. She met my eye. ‘I don’t know, Ems. But I really want to believe you.’
I nodded.
‘Come on then,’ I said. ‘Let me show you.’
It was slightly warmer today and the park was busier, kids kicking balls around, couples soaking up the last of the sun’s rays, sharing picnics and throwing frisbees and laughing.
I kept my eyes fixed on the bandstand and wondered whether Nick would be there, and if he was what he could see.
What was the weather like for him? Was he nervous?
I stopped just before we stepped up onto the platform. There was someone else there, a man, sitting on the bench on his phone.
‘Is that him?’ Rachel whispered.
I shook my head and turned to face her. ‘I’m not sure what to do.’
There had never been anyone else here before. If I went and sat down now, would the time slip not work? Or would this person just see me sitting there talking to myself? Could they see Nick? There were so many questions I couldn’t answer about how this worked.
‘Let’s wait until he’s gone.’
We walked away, heading back along the same path. We took a couple of loops round, checking on each circuit whether the bandstand was empty. As time ticked by, anxiety knotted in my belly. What if Nick thought I wasn’t coming and left? Would he ever come back or would he give up on me?
Eventually, after a torturous fifteen minutes, the guy on his phone left. I took hold of Rachel’s hand. ‘Come on,’ I said, pulling her urgently. We stepped onto the bandstand and stopped. There was no one here.
I spun round a couple of times, but there was no sign of Nick, or anyone else.
‘Oh,’ I said, slumping onto the bench.
Rachel sat beside me and took my hand gently without saying a word. I knew she was just trying to be kind and not say I told you so, but I wanted to make her understand.
‘I promise you he was here, before,’ I said. ‘He was sitting just there, where you are, and we just talked, as normal.’ I wiped my eye. ‘I’m not making this up, Rach. He’s not a ghost. I know he’s not.’
She smiled at me and stroked her thumb across my hand. ‘The mind does weird things sometimes, especially when it’s suffering. It’s not unusual.’
‘I…’ I stopped. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, that Nick was real, that we’d had this real connection. But I could see why she didn’t believe me, and there were no words to properly explain how I’d felt when Nick and I had been together.
And besides, what if she was right? What if this really was all a figment of my imagination, and Nick had never really existed?
I stood, my legs shaking. ‘Can we get out of here?’
‘Of course we can,’ she said. She held my hand as we stepped off the bandstand and onto the grass, and kept hold of it as we walked back along the path in silence. But as we passed a tree, it struck me.
‘I can prove it!’ I said, stopping in my tracks.
‘What?’ She looked at me, confused.
‘Come with me,’ I said, dragging her towards the tree. We stopped just in front of it, and I pointed at a spot on the bark about two feet above our heads. She squinted up, then looked at me.
‘What’s this?’ she said.
‘You can see it?’ My heart thumped with excitement.
‘Those letters? Of course.’
I gasped. ‘Nick wrote them, yesterday.’ I pointed at them. ‘Look, it’s our initials and the date.’
She peered more closely at the carved initials and traced her finger over them. I held my breath as I waited for her to realise I was telling her the truth. But instead she turned to me with pity in her eyes and said: ‘Are you sure you didn’t just see these on here and think they were a sign?’
‘No of course not,’ I said. ‘Nick carved these while I was sitting over there. I swear.’
She looked back at the letters. I could feel frustration curdling at the base of my belly.
‘I don’t know,’ she said.
‘What do you mean you don’t know?’ I said, trying to tamp down a dart of fury.
‘I just mean…’ She stopped. ‘Listen, I know you really want to believe this, but I worry about you. I mean, this…’ She waved her hand towards the tree trunk. ‘This could have been written at any time. It could have been written today.’
I stared at her but she wouldn’t meet my eye.
‘You think I’m making this up,’ I said. It was a statement, not a question.
‘I just…’ She shuffled her feet, then finally met my eye. ‘Listen, Em, I want to believe you. I really do. But you know how this sounds, don’t you? I mean, you must do. And with everything that’s happened, no one would blame you for wanting it to be true.’
I felt tears prick my eyes and I swiped my hand across my cheek.
‘This isn’t grief, Rachel,’ I said. ‘I promise you, this really happened. This is real. I… I don’t know how else to prove it to you.’
I watched as a look I couldn’t read flitted across her face.
‘Let’s go back,’ I said, suddenly, grabbing her hand and pulling her behind me.
‘Back where?’
‘To the bandstand,’ I said, urgently. ‘I’ll prove to you this is real.’
I could feel her reluctance, but she let me drag her along anyway. And when we arrived back at the rose garden, we both stopped.
‘What now?’ Rachel said, rubbing her wrist. The skin was red and I felt guilty.
‘Nick and I were here, in the bandstand together, when he went to etch that in the tree,’ I said, my words tumbling out over one another in their urgency.
‘But when he stepped off here into the park, I couldn’t see him any more until he got back inside the confines of the bandstand.
So what if it’s only when the two of us are alone together in there that we can see each other? ’
‘Right…?’ Rachel said, her mouth twisting into a question.
I ploughed on. ‘What if he’s in there right now?’
‘Well I mean…’ Rachel stuttered.
‘In a minute I’m going to go inside and look. And if he’s there, I’m going to ask him to do something, just for you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m going to get Nick to prove this to you in the same way he proved it to me.’
‘Emma, I really don’t need you to do this. Please, let’s just go.’
I shook my head. ‘No, Rach. I need you to believe me and this is the only thing I can think of to show you once and for all. Please? For me?’
She looked as though she was going to say something else, but then seemed to change her mind and let out a long puff of air. ‘OK. For you.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, clasping her hand. ‘Now, go and wait by the tree. I’ll come and find you when I’m done.’
And before she could say anything else, I turned and stepped into the bandstand.
‘You’re here!’
Nick was standing beside the bench, looking as though he was ready to leave.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘I… I came before but you weren’t here so…’ I trailed off.
He frowned. ‘What time were you here?’
‘I’m not sure. About twenty minutes ago?’
He scratched his chin. ‘I was here then.’
I nodded, unsurprised. ‘I think it was because I was with Rachel.’
‘Your friend?’
I nodded. ‘I told her about you—’ I felt my face redden but carried on ‘—and of course she didn’t believe me so I wanted to show her, I wanted her to meet you so that she knew I wasn’t making this up.
So we came together and you… well, you weren’t here.
’ When I stopped, Nick was watching me with a curious expression on his face. ‘What?’ I said.