Chapter 6
NICK
I thought about what Emma had said all the way home. I thought about it while I was in the shower, while I ate dinner and as I tried to fall asleep, staring up into the darkness until well into the early hours.
The truth was, for the first time since Dawn had left me, I was finally coming back to life. When I was with Emma, the parts of me that had curled up and died after losing Dawn began to turn their heads back to the sun, to unfurl. At last, I could see a reason for living again.
The trouble was, I couldn’t see any other way for us to be together.
I sat up and switched on the bedside lamp, the room flooding with light.
The wardrobe door hung slightly open and the empty coat hangers inside made my stomach flip over.
It had taken me a long time to get rid of Dawn’s things, and for months after she died I would stand at this wardrobe and inhale the lingering scent of her.
Eventually, when it faded, Andy had suggested it was time to let someone else enjoy her clothes, her jewellery, her things, and I knew he was right.
We’d spent a whole day sorting through everything, bagging up the things I agreed to get rid of and putting everything else into a box to keep close by.
Handing those bags over to the charity shop was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but Andy reminded me that her things were not where Dawn was. Rather she was in my memories. My heart. My soul.
I climbed out of bed and kneeled down to pull a box out from underneath.
It was only a small one, just a few nick-nacks and things I wanted to keep close to me.
I used to look at it at least once a day, but I realised now that, since meeting Emma, I’d barely given it a thought.
Guilt stabbed me. Did that mean I was forgetting Dawn?
I lifted the lid from the box and spread the first few items across the duvet. There was the note she’d written me during her last couple of days, a short message that I’d read so many times I knew it off by heart.
Promise me you’ll live your life. Find love, see the world, play in the concerts. Grab it all by the hands and whatever you do, do NOT grieve for me for more than a year. I absolutely forbid it.
My hands shook as I let my eyes slide over the words again.
All the times I’d read it before I never dreamed I’d be doing any of those things.
I dropped it and picked up a photo; my favourite of Dawn, her blonde hair shining in the sunlight as she sat reading a book, oblivious to the fact that I was looking at her.
My heart clenched and tears stabbed behind my eyes.
I sniffed and picked up the next photo. It was taken after she started her treatment, just after she’d shaved her head.
I’d come home early and found her sitting in the bathroom, surrounded by blonde curls, looking up at me with eyes wide.
She looked utterly beautiful and I’d wanted to capture her bravery so she’d lifted her chin and let me take a photo with my digital camera.
I was about to put everything back in the box when something caught my eye and I picked it up with trembling hands.
It was a little toy sheep that Dawn had bought when we were trying for a baby.
We’d agreed not to buy anything at all, not wanting to tempt fate.
One day Dawn had come home and I remembered the light in her eyes as she pulled this little yellow sheep out of the plastic bag.
‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist it,’ she’d said, and we’d tucked it away in a drawer for later, not realising at the time that later would never come.
That, in fact, three months after that moment she would receive the devastating news about her cancer that would rip our lives apart.
I threw the sheep back into the box, replaced the lid and slid it back under the bed. This wasn’t the time to look to the past. I needed to think about what to do right here and now. How to solve the problem that I’d started to fall in love with someone who was living in a different time.
I stood back up and opened the curtains, the sun bright against my face.
Outside, the street was quiet, all the other houses closed up, their inhabitants still asleep.
The front garden was shades of grey in the early morning air, and a light mist hung in the air.
My Ford Focus had a layer of condensation speckling the windscreen and I watched as a fox sprinted across the close and dived into the bushes.
Did Emma see the same, or had the view from here changed by 2019? Did she stand in this room and look out and try to picture me? I turned to face the bed. Was she here right now, asleep? Was she thinking about me, wondering the same things?
I checked the clock beside the bed. Almost 7 a.m. Andy would be up soon and I really needed someone to talk to.
I showered and dressed, then went downstairs to the kitchen and filled the kettle.
The phone was on the wall in here. I thought about Emma’s phone – what had she called it, an iPhone?
– and all the things she’d told me it could do.
I had a mobile but the landline was still what I used for everyday calls.
Would that change soon? It was weird to think that Emma knew all the things that were to come, but for me they were a complete mystery, like something out of Dr Who or Tomorrow’s World.
I picked up the phone and pressed the button for Andy’s number which was stored in my phone. I heard it ring and imagined Andy and Amanda looking at each other in confusion, wondering who was calling this early.
It rang and rang. I was about to give up when a voice came on the line.
‘Oh hi, Amanda.’ Bugger. ‘Sorry to call so early.’
‘Hi, Nick. Is everything all right?’
‘Yes, yes, it’s fine. Sorry.’
A silence. Then: ‘I guess you want to speak to Andy?’
‘Yes please.’
There was a clatter and footsteps and I waited, staring out at the back garden, the spindly tree that Dawn and I had planted and that we’d hoped we’d get apples from one day. I shivered. Would Emma pick apples from this tree later this year? Would she—
‘Nick. Everything okay?’
‘Hey, Andy. Yeah.’
‘Right. You know it’s quarter past seven right?’
‘Yep. Yes. Sorry. I wanted to catch you before work.’ I swallowed. ‘Sorry for cancelling on you last night.’
‘It’s fine. I never want to stand in the way of true love.’ I could hear the smile in his voice.
‘Are you free tonight?’
‘Tonight? I guess so. I mean, I’ll check.’
‘Great. Will you let me know?’
‘Yeah sure. But…’ He stopped. ‘Is something wrong, Nicky?’
‘No, honestly, I’m fine. I just need to talk to you about something. Nothing serious,’ I added, in case he thought I was dying.
‘Okay. Well let’s assume we’re meeting at the curry place at the usual time unless you hear from me, okay?’
‘Sure. Thanks.’
When I hung up I stood for a moment, frozen. I hadn’t decided exactly what I wanted to tell Andy yet. All I knew was that I needed to try and explain to him what was going on and hope he didn’t think I was going mad.
Unless I was?
I had no idea how I was going to get through a day of teaching, but I had to try. Perhaps it would be good for me, to have a distraction. But first, I needed to find something out.
I made a coffee and drank it while I packed my bag, then left to walk the fifteen minutes to the school where I worked.
It was quiet here this early, and I waved to the cleaner as I passed and headed past my classroom and to the school library.
The librarian hadn’t arrived yet so I made my way straight to the science reference section.
I ran my finger along the edge of the shelf…
The Mysteries of Time, Reality and Time, Simple Physics Explained.
I was a maths teacher and I dealt in numbers and logic. I had no way of explaining what was happening between Emma and I, so I hoped one of these books on this shelf might give me some clues. I pulled out a couple that looked vaguely helpful and took them to a desk and sat down.
Much of it was impenetrable, long sentences with explanations about cosmic strings, theories and black holes that made my head ache. But some of it seemed promising, and I read as much as I could, scribbling notes on a pad as I went, trying to make sense of it all.
I don’t know how long I was there, but when I heard the library door open I looked up and blinked.
‘Mr Flynn?’ The librarian looked confused to see me here. I stood and gave her a vague smile and gathered up the books and stuck them in my bag before she noticed what I was reading. I checked my watch: 8.45 a.m.
‘Sorry, I need to dash,’ I said, hurrying. It wasn’t until I got to my classroom that I realised I hadn’t checked the books I’d borrowed out of the library. I’d have to go back later and apologise.
I turned to my class, who were screeching chairs across the floor and chatting to each other, and clapped my hands.
‘Right, let’s get going.’
The day had dragged by, but finally it was time to meet Andy. I arrived early and sat at our usual table, my leg bouncing up and down nervously. When the waiter asked if I wanted a drink I ordered a beer and drank it quickly, hoping to temper my nerves.
‘You look like you haven’t slept for a week,’ Andy said, sliding out the chair opposite me and sitting down.
I rubbed my hand over my face. ‘It’s been a busy day.’
He ordered himself a beer and another one for me, then folded his arms over his chest and sat back.
‘Come on, out with it. Is this something to do with that woman you’ve been meeting?’
I let out a long breath and flipped the beer mat over and over. I couldn’t look him in the eye so I stared at the tablecloth.
‘Sort of.’
Andy didn’t say anything. I swallowed, then looked up at him. He was watching me with a worried look on his face. ‘Have you… Do you believe…’ I started, but I had no idea how to say what I needed to say.
Andy leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table.