Chapter 16
NICK
There was a hammering on the door, and I pulled the duvet further over my head to try to block out the sound.
But whoever was there wasn’t letting up, and eventually I swung my legs off the sofa and dragged myself up to standing.
I’d been lying there so long my head spun and I noticed it was getting dark outside.
I had a fairly good idea who I was going to find at the door. It had been two nights since I’d walked away from Emma, and Andy had been trying to ring me almost every hour on the hour ever since. I’d ignored every call, eventually taken the phone off the hook.
Now, though, he was here, and I knew full well he wouldn’t take no for an answer. There was no choice but to let him in.
The second I answered he stormed inside and strode into the living room.
‘Jesus Christ, Nick, what’s going on in here? It stinks.’ He turned to me and sniffed. ‘You stink.’
I shrugged. I knew I didn’t smell that fresh but that was what happened when you didn’t shower for two days. I rubbed my hand over my chin. It felt rough beneath my touch.
Andy shook his head. ‘I got a call from Rob from your school. He said you’d taken time off sick but that you wouldn’t answer his calls, so I said I’d check up on you.’ He stepped towards me. ‘What on earth’s happened, Nicky?’ he said, his voice gentler now.
I shrugged and walked past him and slumped onto the sofa.
I hadn’t thought I’d cared about my appearance, but now Andy was here I felt ashamed of the way I looked and of the empty bottles and plates congealing around the edge of the sofa.
I pushed the duvet to one side. Andy sat in the armchair opposite me.
He folded his arms across his chest but said nothing. I stared at a spot on the carpet, unable to meet his gaze.
‘It’s…’ I started, but my voice was gravelly, my throat rough.
I coughed, and tasted the staleness of my breath.
I was about to try again when a sob erupted from me and suddenly I couldn’t stop, tears pouring from me like a river, sobs wracking my body.
Andy jumped up and ran to my side and pulled me into a tight hug and even though it made it difficult to breathe I didn’t try to pull away or move at all, just let my big brother hold me as I let out all the tension and terror of the last few days.
When I finally stopped, I sat up straight and looked him in the eye. Even though I was sure Andy didn’t completely believe me about Emma, I needed to tell him what had happened. ‘Emma found something out,’ I said, my voice a whisper.
‘What do you mean? About you?’
I nodded, and looked back down at my lap.
‘What is it, Nicky?’ he said, rubbing his hand up and down my spine.
‘She…’ I sniffed. ‘She looked me up. In 2019.’
‘Oh. Didn’t you ask her not to?’
I nodded.
‘I assume she found out something bad?’
I shrugged. ‘I think so.’
A pause. ‘Nicky, look at me.’
Reluctantly, I turned to face him. I could see the confusion on his face as I met his eye. ‘So you’re telling me – what? That you think Emma might have found out something bad happens to you in the future, but you don’t actually know for sure?’
‘She didn’t get a chance to tell me because I left.’
Andy looked at me for a moment longer then shook his head. ‘Jesus, Nick.’
‘I couldn’t stay,’ I said, desperate to defend myself. ‘It was obvious whatever she’d found wasn’t good, and I couldn’t wait around to find out.’
‘And you know for certain it was bad news?’
I thought about the look in Emma’s eyes as she’d looked at me and knew there could be no other explanation. ‘Yes.’
Andy laid his hand on my knee. ‘Don’t you think you should go back there and ask her? Make sure she’s not lying to you, that she isn’t some madwoman just trying to make you believe this is all real?’
I shook my head. ‘I knew you didn’t believe me. But it is real, which means that, even if I thought that was a good idea, I’ve got no way of getting hold of her. This is the first time we’ve left each other and not rearranged a time to meet again.’
Andy sighed. ‘But she’s usually there at 5 p.m., isn’t she?’
‘That’s the time we usually meet, yes.’
‘So go tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day until she comes. You owe it to her and to yourself to find out the truth.’
I thought about it. Imagined seeing Emma again, seeing the look on her face as she told me I’d died, or had a terminal illness, or whatever else she had discovered.
I thought about what life would be like if I knew how long I had left to live, about the pressure I’d feel to make every day, every week, every month, count.
How would it feel to know exactly when you were going to die?
How would Dawn and I have felt if we’d have known the future when we’d first met?
Would we have done anything differently?
‘I just can’t,’ I said.
Andy said nothing for a moment and we just sat there in the darkening room in silence.
‘What if I’ve got a brain tumour?’ I said, suddenly.
‘What? Why would you think that?’
It hadn’t occurred to me before, but now it made perfect sense.
‘Think about it,’ I said. ‘It would explain everything that’s been happening over the last few months – the time travel, which you said yourself was impossible, the hallucinations.
If this was caused by a brain tumour, it makes sense that Emma discovered I’d died of a brain tumour in a few years’ time. ’
‘Except if that was the case, that would mean Emma doesn’t exist, and so she couldn’t have found anything out – and you’re certain she does.
’ Andy leaned down and gathered the dirty plates and cups together, then stood.
‘Listen, I’m going to clean this place up a bit.
Why don’t you go and have a shower, and then I’m taking you out for some food. ’
‘I don’t think I can,’ I said.
‘You can and you will. I’m not leaving you to sit and stew in your own mess any longer. Now go.’
I did as I was told, and as I stood under the jet of hot water, I tried to clear my mind.
I had to stop imagining the worst and move on.
I had to try to forget the amazing connection Emma and I had, forget the spark and crackle between us even when we weren’t touching, and get on with my life as though we’d never met.
After losing Dawn, I had to protect my heart in the only way I knew how.
By being alone.