Chapter 21
EMMA
Rachel had been staring at me for so long without saying a word that I was beginning to wonder whether she’d slipped into an alternate universe too.
I waved my hand in front of her face. ‘Er, hello, earth to Rachel?’
She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Rachel and I had been friends for a long time, but I had never seen her lost for words before. Normally, she had plenty to say about everything.
‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ I said.
‘I…’ She shook her head. ‘I honestly don’t know what to say.’
‘Congratulations might be a start?’ I was beginning to feel a bit irritated, and it came out snarkier than I’d intended.
Suddenly Rachel stood, the stool she was sitting on scraping back loudly across the kitchen tiles, and threw her arms around me.
‘Jesus Christ, Emma, I’m so sorry,’ she said, squeezing me so tightly it was hard to breathe. She pulled away, tears shining in her eyes. ‘Of course that’s what I should have said straight away. I’m a complete twat.’
‘You are, but I forgive you,’ I said.
She sat back down and rested her chin in her hand, studying me.
‘I just… I mean, I’m thrilled for you, obviously. But what the actual hell, Em. Could you have made things any more complicated for yourself?’
‘I know.’
I’d left it for three more days but I’d finally got round to telling Rachel about the baby. It was hardly any surprise she’d reacted this way. It was a lot to take in.
‘So how do you feel about it?’ She nodded at my belly.
‘I’m absolutely terrified.’
‘If you’re worried about doing this alone, don’t be,’ she said. ‘You know Iain and I will always be there for you. In fact, you won’t be able to get rid of us.’
‘I know, thank you,’ I said. ‘But it’s not just that.’
‘Go on.’
I swallowed, unsure how to say the words out loud. ‘What if…’ I started. ‘What if there’s something wrong with this baby because…’
‘Because its dad died thirteen years ago…’ Rachel finished.
‘That’s exactly it.’
Rachel took a sip of her coffee, thinking. ‘But surely if this baby wasn’t meant to be, then it simply wouldn’t exist. Surely the sheer fact that you conceived in the first place means that it will be fine.’
‘Will you come with me, for the scan? Just in case.’
‘Try stopping me,’ she said, smiling.
‘Thank you.’ I sighed. ‘I just wish I could tell Nick.’
‘I know.’ She gasped. ‘Oh! Do you know whether he found your note?’
I shook my head. ‘I haven’t dared check.’
‘What? Why?’
I shrugged. ‘I was… I’m trying to give it long enough.’
Rachel folded her arms across her chest and gave me a stern look. ‘I think three weeks is plenty of time, don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘I know. But even if it’s gone, how am I supposed to know whether it slipped through time and was taken by him and not just by someone passing through? I mean, it’s a pretty long shot.’
‘You’ll never know that. But we should go and at least see if it’s still there or not.’ She stood. ‘Come on.’
My eyes widened. ‘What, now?’
‘No time like the present.’
She grabbed my hand and I reluctantly followed her.
I dragged my feet all the way to the park. My legs were made from rubber and I felt like I was going to throw up.
At the entrance, I stopped. ‘I don’t think I can do this.’
Rachel took my hand. ‘You can,’ she said. ‘Otherwise, you’ll always wonder.’
My bones thrummed with tension. ‘But what if it’s still there? What if he didn’t find it? I mean, I have no idea of knowing whether he will even be able to see it.’
‘Then we’ll come back and check again tomorrow, and the next day and the next.’
I puffed out my cheeks and nodded. ‘Okay fine.’
We walked the rest of the way to the bandstand in silence.
It was a hot day and there was no shade, the sun beating down on our heads.
Pockets of people lazed on the yellowing grass, scattered like picnic crumbs.
A group of teenagers threw a frisbee back and forth without enthusiasm, the plastic disc slicing languidly through the thick air.
I ignored them all, focused on only one thing.
We arrived at the bandstand, and I hesitated before stepping up. There was a couple on the bench holding hands and laughing at something. They glanced at me and smiled.
‘Hi,’ they said in unison.
‘Hello.’ Rachel was so close behind me I could feel her breath on my neck as she spoke. I didn’t move, thrown by unexpectedly finding someone else in the place I thought of as mine and Nick’s. Then Rachel jabbed me in the ribs and pushed me forward. I took the final step up.
‘I’m so sorry, my friend misplaced something the other day so we’ve just come to see if it’s still here,’ she said, as we crossed in front of them. ‘We won’t disturb you for long.’
‘No worries,’ the man said.
We reached the other side. My heart thumped wildly as I bent down to peer into the gap in the wooden upright where I’d tucked the letter. I couldn’t see it. I leaned further forward and stuck my finger in the gap.
I turned to look at Rachel. ‘It’s not there,’ I whispered.
She turned to the couple. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve found an envelope in here have you?’ she said.
The woman frowned. ‘No, I haven’t, I’m sorry. Was it important?’
‘No, it’s fine, I’m sure it will turn up.
’ Rachel flashed them a smile. ‘So sorry to disturb you, enjoy the rest of your evening.’ Then she grabbed my hand and tugged me away, off the bandstand and towards the tree.
As we reached the shade I glanced up at the initials Nick had carved all those weeks ago, back when we were still discovering exactly what magic there was between us.
It felt like only yesterday, and yet also a lifetime ago.
‘Do you think this means he’s got it?’ I said.
‘I think you have to assume he has,’ she said. ‘Otherwise you’re going to spend the rest of your life wondering.’
‘So what happens now?’
‘Now, we go home and see if anything has changed.’
‘I’m not sure this is a good idea,’ I said. The screen glowed at me, the search bar empty. I slammed the laptop shut and closed my eyes.
‘What are you scared of, Em?’ Rachel said, gently.
I opened my eyes and looked at her. ‘Everything.’ I sighed.
‘I’m scared he will have found my letter and ignored it, but I’m also scared that he didn’t ignore it, and I might have changed the path of the future.
’ I rubbed my face. ‘And I’m also scared that the letter just blew away or was found by someone else and now I’ll never know whether I might have made a difference. ’
‘I get all of that,’ she said. ‘But that doesn’t explain why you won’t look him up again.’
On the walk home from the park Rachel and I had discussed what the next stage of the plan was.
‘The thing is, none of us have any idea of the rules of this thing,’ I said. ‘Nick and I tried to work it out, to control it, but nothing ever worked. So how am I meant to know how this next bit goes?’
‘The way I see it is, if he finds the letter and decides to take your advice, then one of two things could happen,’ Rachel said.
A trickle of sweat ran down my back as I waited for her to carry on.
‘Either the future is changed from right now and he will still be alive and you could go and tell him about the baby. Or nothing will change until the date of the accident in 2006. Which will be 2026 for us.’
‘I’m not sure that’s how time travel works,’ I said miserably.
Rachel raised her eyebrows. ‘None of us know how this works, Em. And besides it’s not really time travel, is it? You haven’t gone anywhere, and neither has he. It’s more that there seems to be a sort of portal between your individual times.’
‘I guess you’re right,’ I said. ‘Which means on that basis, I might have to wait seven years to find out whether I’ve changed anything.’ My heart dropped as realisation dawned.
Even though I’d had the rest of the walk home to let it sink in, now the moment of truth had arrived, I wasn’t sure whether I could actually go ahead with it. There were too many uncertainties. Maybe I should just forget this whole thing, put Nick out of my mind and get on with my life without him.
‘Do you want me to look?’ Rachel said.
‘I…’ I started. I’d been about to say no, let’s forget it. But then an image of my baby had flashed through my mind and I knew I owed it to him or her to do whatever I could to make sure their daddy was part of their life. ‘Yes please.’
She pulled the laptop towards her and typed. My pulse pounded in my ears as she squinted at the screen. She scrolled and squinted again. It was as though time had slowed down, each second like treacle, stretching out and out and—
She slammed the laptop shut.
‘What is it?’ I said. My head spun, my vision reduced to a tiny pinprick.
Rachel gave a tiny shake of her head. ‘There’s no change,’ she said.
Nick was still dead.
‘Can I see?’ I said, the need to see for myself suddenly overwhelming.
‘I don’t think you should,’ she said.
‘Please.’
She paused a moment, then slid the laptop towards me. My hands shook as I opened it, my heart was in my throat. And then, there it was. The same newspaper article, the same story. The same photo.
I stared at Nick’s picture, and I felt the disappointment like lead in my veins. I shook my head.
‘It didn’t work,’ I whispered.
‘It still could,’ Rachel said, pressing her hand against my arm. ‘It’s not over yet. You know that, don’t you?’
I nodded. It might not be over, but, if Rachel was right, I could be in for a very long wait.