Chapter 23 #2
His eyes flicked open and he looked up at me.
And then, in slow motion, his little face folded and crumpled, and his mouth opened and a deafening roar filled the air.
I leapt up and rocked back and forth trying to calm him.
‘Hey hey hey,’ I soothed, running my hand up and down his back.
But he was inconsolable and the screaming only got louder, his face turning more and more red.
I paced back and forth, back and forth, but nothing helped.
He’d only been fed just before we left the house, but perhaps he was hungry again.
It wasn’t as though he could tell the time, and it usually settled him when he grizzled.
I sat back down and slipped my top up and unclipped my bra and tried to encourage him to latch on, but he squirmed and turned his face away, his whole body going rigid with the effort.
Tears ran down my face, and I wished I had someone here with me to tell me what to do. I hated making every single decision alone.
I fumbled to do my bra and top back up then settled Flynn against my shoulder and stepped back down to put him in his pram and take him home. But as soon my foot hit the soft earth, there was instant silence. Flynn stopped crying, his sobs became hiccups, and he looked up at me with wide, wet eyes.
‘What was it, baby boy?’ I said, running my finger gently down his cheek. ‘Could you feel something wrong in there?’
I glanced back at the bandstand. Was it really possible that a four and a half-month-old baby could feel something was awry? Could he really detect a shift in the energy, or had the molecules of the universe changed for him when we were inside the only place where I’d ever known his daddy?
Needing to know for sure, I took a step back onto the platform. Sure enough, Flynn’s body instantly went rigid again and his mouth opened ready to scream. But this time, before he became too distressed, I stepped back off. He relaxed immediately.
What did this mean? Did it mean anything, or was it just that he didn’t like it in there?
He’d been known to cry a lot simply walking round the supermarket, only stopping the moment we walked outside.
And yet this had felt different. This had felt like a sort of desperation, as though his whole body was rejecting something about the very air he breathed.
Trembling, I placed him gently back in his pram and hurried away as quickly as we could.
Halfway home I made a detour. By the time I arrived outside Rachel’s house I was hot and sweaty and in desperate need of a drink.
‘Quick, come into the back garden,’ she said, ushering me round the side of the house. By the time I managed to manoeuvre the pram round to the back garden Rachel was standing by the back door, and a cold can of Diet Coke sat dripping on the wooden table.
‘I wiped my fingerprints off it,’ she said, pulling a chair at least a metre away from the table and sitting down. I settled in the other chair, angling the pram so that it was in the shade of the parasol, and took a welcome gulp.
‘I think I love you,’ I said.
‘Only think?’
I smiled. But before I could stop it, a sob rose up in my throat. I turned away before Rachel noticed, but it was too late.
‘Darling, what’s wrong?’ she said. I couldn’t look at her because if I did the concern on her face could very well tip me over the edge.
I shook my head. ‘I just…’ I wiped my eyes and finally looked at her. ‘I just really need a hug.’
She buried her face in her hands than looked back up at me. ‘Me too. I want to come over there and give you the biggest squeeze in the world and then give that beautiful boy of yours one too. But you know I just can’t risk it, with Iain’s mum.’
‘I know. I’m sorry, I just needed to see you.’
She leaned forward so her face was in the shade.
She looked tired, I noticed, the circles beneath her eyes darker than usual.
A stab of guilt shot through me. I’d been so absorbed in getting to grips with being a mum that I’d ignored how hard all this was for her too.
Iain’s mum had been having chemo prior to lockdown and had a compromised immune system as a result.
The treatment had taken it out of her, so she’d moved in with them while she was still allowed, but it meant that they all had to be even more careful than most not to bring any infection into the house.
‘I’m sorry, I’ve been so selfish I’ve barely even asked you how it’s going,’ I said.
‘You are not selfish. Everything’s fine here, really. It’s just different. But at least we’ve got each other. It’s you I worry about, all alone in that house learning to be a mum.’ She shook her head. ‘I wish there was more I could do to help you.’
I smiled sadly. ‘I do too. Flynn needs Aunty Rachel’s cuddles.
But this will all be over soon and things will get back to normal.
’ I took another sip of my drink, enjoying the feeling of the cool liquid sliding down my throat.
Now I was here and had calmed down a little I felt bad about interrupting Rachel’s day.
She was trying to do her job as a buyer for a fashion brand from the dining table with the kids running around and Iain working in the spare room. It was a lot to cope with. I stood.
‘Thanks for the drink. I should leave you in peace.’
‘Absolutely not,’ she said. ‘I might not be able to hug you, but I can still listen.’
I hesitated, unsure. I really didn’t want to burden her with anything more than she already had to deal with. But then again, who else did I have to confide in?
I sat down again, rocking the pram mindlessly back and forth. I suddenly felt bone-weary, every last drop of energy draining away through the cracks in the decking.
‘I went to the bandstand this morning.’
Rachel didn’t reply, just watched me from across the table. ‘I haven’t been back since Flynn was born but something was just calling me today.’
‘Were you hoping to see Nick?’
‘Yes. No.’ I shook my head. ‘I don’t know really. I suppose part of me hoped he’d be there. Of course he wasn’t.’ I looked up at her. ‘Flynn hated it.’
She raised her eyebrows. ‘What do you mean?’
‘When we got there, he went mad, screaming and crying. I’ve never seen him like it before. But then the moment we left, he calmed down. I mean almost instantly.’
‘Do you think it means something?’
‘I think it has to. If it wasn’t for that place, Flynn would never have existed. It was as though he could feel something weird about it.’
‘Oh, Em,’ Rachel said. ‘I wish there was some magic wand I could wave to stop you feeling like this.’
‘Me too.’ My breath hitched in my chest. ‘I just really miss him. I think about him all the time. Every time I look at Flynn I see the dimple in Nick’s cheek when he smiled, the sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me. His eyes. I just… I’m so fucking lonely.’
Before I knew what had happened Rachel was on her feet and round the table and had thrown her arms round me.
Her head was pressed into my shoulder, her face turned away, but the feel of her against me, of human affection, was so overwhelming, something inside me broke, and my whole body gave in as sobs wracked it from deep inside.
We stayed there for a few minutes, just holding each other. Finally, as my sobs began to subside, Rachel pulled away. She stood, arms hanging by her sides, her face filled with sadness.
‘I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but screw Covid, I couldn’t just leave you sitting there like that.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, my voice gravelly. ‘I’m glad you did.’
‘I truly wish there was a way we could let Nick know about Flynn. But I think you’re just going to have to accept it’s impossible and try to move on.’
I knew she was right. It’s just a shame my heart didn’t agree.