Chapter 25 #2
She tilted her head. ‘I’m fine thank you.’ She looked at the front door then back at me and I wondered whether she was going to say anything else. I’d just decided that she wasn’t when she spoke again.
‘It’s tough isn’t it, when they’re little?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Kids,’ she said. ‘I mean, it was hard enough with the two of us to get up in the night or taking the kiddies to endless parties, but it must be even harder on your own.’
‘Yes. It can be.’
She nodded again, slowly. ‘Well, you must let me know if you ever need anything. Any help or just a night off.’
‘Oh. Thank you.’ I couldn’t have been more surprised if the Queen had turned up on my doorstep.
‘I know we haven’t spoken much, but I’ve seen you with your little boy,’ she continued. ‘It’s lovely to have children around the place, it can be so quiet.’
Oh. Was this just a long-winded way of telling me Flynn was too noisy? But surely not, he wasn’t a rowdy boy.
‘I’m sorry if—’ I began, but she cut me off.
‘I was beginning to think the house was bad luck you know,’ she said.
‘Oh? Why?’ She had my attention now.
She waved her hand through the air. ‘Well, you know. The couple who lived here last seemed to argue all the time and eventually they divorced and sold the place. And the couple before that – well, they were lovely, but they never had children either, and then she died. Cancer, I think it was. So sad, she was such a lovely girl.’
I froze, my breath caught in my throat, as I realised the significance of what she was saying. She was talking about Dawn and Nick.
‘That’s very sad,’ I said, my throat tight.
‘It really was. I chatted to him occasionally while she was ill, and I know how much they wanted a baby. But it wasn’t meant to be.’ She shook her head. ‘So yes, it’s been a while since a child lived here.’
I didn’t know what to say. It was as though the past had come crashing into the present, and Nick’s presence was right there. I wouldn’t have been surprised to turn round and find him standing right behind me.
‘Well, I’d better get to work,’ I said.
‘Of course, you go. But I mean it. If you ever need anything, just let me know, all right?’
‘Thank you.’ Then before she could say any more and before my legs collapsed beneath me, I let myself into the house and closed the door.
The conversation with my neighbour played on my mind all day, through meetings and phone calls and conversations with colleagues, my mind kept wandering back to it.
I don’t know why it freaked me out so much – I knew Nick and Dawn had lived in this house before me.
But somehow, hearing about them from someone else had made it all more real.
Finally, it was time to pick Flynn up from school, and I had an idea of something I wanted to do this afternoon.
The sun was still warm by the time I skidded through the front gates a few minutes late, and Flynn raced out and threw himself at my legs the moment he saw me. I lifted him up and planted kisses on his face.
‘Hello, gorgeous, have you had a good day?’ I said, as he wriggled in my arms.
‘Can we go to the park?’
‘Maybe.’ He had a smudge of ink on his cheek and I rubbed at it, but it wouldn’t budge. ‘Have you been drawing again?’ I asked as I lowered him to the ground and took hold of his hand we started walking towards the gates.
‘Yes! I done one for you.’ He bent down, carefully unzipped his rucksack, and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. My heart thumped as I turned it over to look at it, terrified it was going to be a repeat of the drawing Miss Hardcastle had shown me this morning. But it wasn’t.
‘It’s super,’ I said. ‘Is this grass?’ I said, pointing at a stripe of green scribble along one edge of the page.
‘No, it’s mud, Mummy,’ he said, as though I should have known. I smiled.
‘Of course it is. So, this must be our house then?’ I said, pointing at the strange shape in the middle.
‘No, Mummy,’ he said, sighing dramatically. ‘It’s our car.’
I laughed. The car I’d bought was an old red Vauxhall Corsa, which had seen better days but had enough room to fit a pram and buggy in the back and had been all I could afford after Flynn was born.
The one Flynn had drawn didn’t look far off it.
‘It’s brilliant, sweetheart,’ I said. ‘Do you want to put it back in your bag until we get home so it doesn’t get ruined? ’
‘Okay,’ he said, and we waited while he carefully folded his drawing and pushed it back inside his rucksack. I took the bag from him and grasped hold of his hand.
‘Please can we go to the park?’
‘Go on then,’ I said, smiling. He clearly wasn’t going to give up on the idea.
‘Yay!’ He bounced up and down, tugging on my arm until it felt like it might come right out of its socket. ‘And can we have ice cream?’
‘Now you’re pushing your luck, mister,’ I said.
‘Pleeeease, Mummy,’ he pleaded.
‘Fine. But this is the only time this week, okay?’
‘Okay!’
It didn’t take us long to get to the park, Flynn dragging me there excitedly. When we got to the little playpark he raced ahead and ran straight up to the slide. He was halfway up the ladder by the time I caught up.
‘Be careful,’ I said, as he whizzed down the slide. He stood and ran straight back round to the steps again. I went over to the bench and sat down.
I could see the bandstand from here, and I thought about the day I’d pointed out this playground to Nick, and he’d said he couldn’t see it. That was the day we’d begun to realise what was going on between us. It felt like a lifetime ago, and yet also like yesterday.
I felt a pang of longing. I’d known Greg for more than ten years and I still missed him being in my life. He was part of me, and always would be, even though the memory of him was becoming a little fainter with every day that passed.
I’d only known Nick for a few weeks, but the hole he’d left in my life felt completely different. More like a gaping wound than an empty hollow; a wound with jagged edges that seemed to get sharper and more painful as time passed, rather than easing.
Perhaps it was simply because there was a tiny possibility that I might see him again one day, whereas I’d always known Greg was gone, and could slowly learn to accept it.
Or maybe it was because we had this connection of Flynn, a living, breathing person tying us together forever, through the years.
I didn’t know. All I did know was that I missed Nick so intensely, it felt like the place where he should be was burning a hole inside me.
‘Mummy, can we get an ice cream now?’ Flynn was standing in front of me, silhouetted against the sun, and for a moment he looked so like his daddy that my heart almost stopped beating.
He tugged my arm impatiently. ‘Mummy!’
I smiled at him. ‘Sorry, love.’ I took his hand and stood up. ‘Come on, let’s go and get the biggest, meltiest ice cream we can find.’
The ice cream van wasn’t far away. Flynn chose an enormous 99 with a flake and red sauce which started dripping down his arm the moment he was handed it. I ordered a smaller version, and we started walking away.
The sun was really hot now. I’d been planning to go to the bandstand anyway, and now we were right beside it.
As usual it looked empty, almost as though there was an invisible force field round the place that kept people away – although I suspected it was more that it was a bit grubby and off the main path.
‘Come on, let’s go in there,’ I said, pointing at it.
Flynn glanced up and I watched his face for any glimpse of recognition, but there was nothing. We walked up the path together, and when we got close I stopped.
‘Do you remember being here before, sweetheart?’ I said.
Flynn frowned. ‘No.’ His face brightened. ‘But it’s on my wall.’
Of course, the picture of the bandstand I’d put on his nursery wall when he was a baby.
‘Have you ever drawn this place?’
But Flynn had already lost interest, too busy licking his dripping ice cream to answer. I shook my head. ‘Never mind, sweetheart.’
I stepped up onto the bandstand and Flynn clambered up beside me, almost dropping his cone in the process.
I hadn’t been back inside here since Flynn was a tiny baby, and it had become scruffier in the last three and a half years.
There was graffiti along the top of the railing, and deep scratches and scuffs across the wooden floor.
Flynn sat on the bench beside me, in the place where Nick had always sat and my heart thumped, low and heavy.
We sat in silence, finishing our ice creams and staring out at the park. A gentle breeze wound through the trees and for the first time all day I felt cool.
I glanced over at Flynn. His hands were covered in a sticky mess.
I took the last few bites of my cone then reached for my bag and pulled out a packet of always-present baby wipes.
I thought of the time I’d found a candle in my bag to light for Dawn’s birthday, and the sweets Nick always used to carry with him, and smiled.
I turned to wipe Flynn’s fingers but was stopped in my tracks. He was frozen, his eyes wide, and he seemed to be staring at something just behind me, just the way he sometimes did at home. I glanced over my shoulder but could see nothing there.
‘Are you okay, sweetheart?’ I said.
He looked at me, then pointed over my shoulder. ‘Is that man my daddy?’
My stomach flipped. ‘I…’ I started, but couldn’t get the words out. I cleared my throat and turned to look in the direction in which he was pointing.
‘Can you see a man, darling?’ I asked gently.
‘Yes, Mummy. Right there.’ Flynn sounded cross, as though he couldn’t understand why I was being so annoying.
‘What does he look like, Flynn?’ I said.
‘Like the man in the house. Like my daddy.’
My breath caught in my throat. There was no way Flynn could ever have seen a picture of Nick because I didn’t have any. If I’d ever had any doubts at all that the man Flynn was seeing in the house was Nick, they’d disappeared now.
I put my arm around his shoulders but didn’t reply. He kept glancing over his shoulder as if to check he was still there, but he didn’t seem scared so I let him. And, eventually, he snuggled into my side, his cheek pressed against my chest. ‘He’s gone now.’
I kissed the top of his head, and pulled him even closer, feeling my heart slow. There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t want to scare him. Besides, where would I even start?
It seemed that Flynn could feel his daddy’s presence in the places that mattered – the house where Nick had lived, and the bandstand where Flynn had been conceived. Was Nick trying to let us know he was here, that he knew about Flynn?
I had no idea. But if it gave Flynn comfort, then it could only be a good thing.