Chapter 27 #2
I shoved a forkful of risotto into my mouth as a delaying tactic, and watched him studying me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I swallowed.
‘He’s not around. He never really has been,’ I said.
‘That’s a shame,’ Oliver said.
I shook my head. ‘It’s fine. It was just a one-night thing, I didn’t need him to stick around. Flynn’s never known him.’
I knew I sounded cold, but it was the only way I could get through the lie without it sticking in my throat.
‘That must be hard though. Does Flynn ever ask about him?’
‘Not really. I’m sure he will one day, but he hasn’t so far.’
Oliver took a sip of wine and studied me thoughtfully. ‘I still haven’t worked out what to tell Annabelle when she starts really asking questions about her mum,’ he said. ‘I can’t tell her she didn’t want to know her, but I can’t lie either.’
I flinch. Is he telling me he knows I’m lying?
Of course he’s not. Why would he?
‘If only they’d stay little forever and never ask us any awkward questions,’ I said, smiling.
‘That would be ideal, wouldn’t it?’
We ate our dinner for a while, the hum of the restaurant around us our only soundtrack.
Oliver was good company, and even the quiet times when we weren’t talking felt comfortable, unforced.
It was a relief, to be with someone who didn’t ask constant questions, or who knew too much about you.
I felt I could reinvent my history, in a way. Or at least not let it define me.
The rest of the meal was lovely, and by the end of the night the attraction I’d felt towards Oliver had started to become something more. I didn’t want to try to name it or over-analyse it. For now, I was happy to see where this went.
So when he asked me if I fancied going out again, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.
‘You know, Annabelle was really excited about me coming out with you tonight,’ he said, as we walked home through the dark streets towards my house. I knew he lived in the other direction, but I secretly liked the fact that he’d decided to walk me home.
‘Flynn was too,’ I said. ‘I think he hopes it will mean Annabelle will be his sister.’
The words were out before I realised how they sounded and I was glad it was dark so Oliver couldn’t see my face flaming.
But then his fingers brushed against mine and I didn’t move mine away.
The next thing I knew they were entwined, and it felt as though the blood had rushed to all the nerve endings in my hand.
‘At least we have the kids’ approval,’ he said, and I was grateful he’d made it easy for me.
Too soon, we were at my front door.
‘This is me,’ I said, stopping just before it.
He looked up at the windows. ‘Have you always lived here?’
‘For a few years,’ I said. ‘I can’t really afford it but it’s Flynn’s home so I make it work.’
‘Ah yes, been there, done that.’ He glanced at the windows. ‘It looks lovely.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. I felt suddenly nervous, acutely aware that Oliver’s hand was still holding mine and that there were only a few inches between us.
Part of me wanted to keep the conversation going, to put off the awkward moment when we said goodbye.
But the other part of me was screaming out for him to kiss me, and it surprised me.
I hadn’t expected to want to kiss anyone until I knew for certain that I was never going to see Nick again.
Oliver was looking at me, his face in shadow. I met his gaze and he moved towards me. Then his lips were on mine and I responded. My hand went to his chest, the other one was still in his hand and I felt like I was floating above my own body.
I was kissing Oliver!
I was kissing the hot dad from school!
When he pulled away, he smiled at me. ‘Well, that was nice,’ he said.
I raised my eyebrows. ‘Nice?’
He grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling. ‘Okay, that was pretty hot,’ he said, and a shiver ran through me. ‘I’d quite like to do it again next week if you’ll let me.’
‘I think that can be arranged,’ I said.
I wasn’t sure whether to ask him in. It wouldn’t be fair to subject him to Rachel’s scrutiny just yet, but I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to either. He made it easy for me in the end, by taking a step away.
‘I’d better be off now. I need to get back for the babysitter.’ His hand left mine and it felt cold suddenly. ‘Night, Emma, thank you for a really lovely evening. See you at the school gates.’
‘Night, Oliver.’
Then I turned and let myself into the house.
‘Did you kiss him?’
Rachel was in the living room doorway almost the instant I closed the door.
I grinned. ‘I might have done.’
‘Yes!’ she said, in a half-whisper so as not to wake up Flynn. ‘Come in and tell me everything.’
I slipped my shoes off and followed her into the living room. I suddenly felt bone-tired, all the earlier nerves and excitement drained out of me, and I flopped onto the sofa and tipped my head back.
‘Come on, out with it.’
I lifted my head and peered at my friend. ‘It was lovely, he was lovely, it was a lovely night.’
‘And?’
‘And we’re going out again next week.’
Rachel rubbed her hands together in glee. ‘Oh, Em, I’m so pleased for you. I really hoped you might find someone sooner or later.’
I screwed my face up. ‘This doesn’t mean I’m not going to look for Nick though, when the time comes. You know that, right?’
‘But what if you properly fall in love with him? Oliver, I mean?’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair.’
Rachel scowled. ‘So, what? You’re going to let a chance of happiness slip away on the off-chance that you might have saved Nick’s life, and that even if you did, he’ll want to know you?’
‘I don’t have any choice,’ I said simply, crossing my legs and leaning my elbows on my knees. ‘Nick is Flynn’s dad, and if I have any chance at all to give Flynn his daddy then I’ll take it.’
‘Even if it means missing out on happiness?’
I fixed her with a look as a heavy feeling settled in my chest. ‘It’s not just for Flynn that I want Nick to still be alive, it’s for me too.
Yes, Oliver is lovely and if things were different I’d be feeling excited about the possibility that this could go somewhere.
But Nick was…’ I trailed off, trying to find the words to describe how things had felt between me and Nick, even though I’d never been able to before.
‘It was as though there was an invisible bond between us, a current that ran from me to him and back again.’
‘That sounds more like a circuit board than love.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s impossible to describe, but you just have to trust me.’
‘And you’re sure that wasn’t just the weird time-slip thing? You’re sure that the feelings between you were more than just an electrical pulse, or a tear in the passage of time? I mean, there’s all sorts of physics going on there that neither of us understand.’
I shrugged. ‘As sure as I can be. And even if I’m wrong, all he ever wanted was to be a dad. I have to at least try to find him and let him know that he is, even if he doesn’t ever want to speak to me again.’
‘And until then?’
‘Until then I’ll find it hard to let anyone else in.’