Chapter 33
EMMA
How long do you wait for someone to reply before you give up on them?
Although email was great for so many things, one of the worst things about it was the uncertainty: did Nick get my email, or had he changed his email address?
Had he read it? Had it gone into his junk folder?
Or had he seen it and decided to ignore it?
After six weeks had passed, I was fairly certain I wasn’t going to get a reply from him no matter what the reason. The question was, should I try to find him another way, or did he simply just not want to know?
‘You have to at least give him the chance to decide whether he wants to be part of Flynn’s life,’ Rachel said.
‘I don’t want to trick him into anything,’ I replied. ‘If he’s not interested in seeing me, then that’s that.’
Rachel knew not to push me on it, but her words stayed with me. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps Nick did deserve to know about Flynn no matter what. Maybe I should have told him about his son in the email, rather than being opaque about it.
But I hadn’t wanted to frighten him off. I had no idea what Nick Flynn’s life had been like since we’d last seen each other, and I had no idea whether he was even in a fit state to see me. Besides, this was pretty big news I had to tell him, not something to just drop into an email.
‘We need to look him up,’ Rachel said. ‘There must be more about him online.’
‘There really isn’t,’ I said. ‘I’ve tried everything, but he doesn’t seem to have an online presence.’
‘What, not at all?’
‘Only a couple of local news stories from when he took his new job as deputy head at that school in Suffolk, another one where he’s quoted saying how proud he is after the school received an excellent OFSTED inspection, and a couple of articles in the local paper about a charity he’s set up for grieving relatives.
’ I shrugged. ‘It makes me worry that he’s deliberately hidden himself from the world. ’
Rachel peered more closely at me. ‘What are you really worried about, Ems?’
I tried to ignore the burning sensation behind my eyes, blinking back the tears before they escaped. I sniffed. ‘He must blame me for what happened to his brother,’ I said, my voice wobbly. ‘He must hate me. I’d hate me.’
‘It’s not your fault. You must know that?’
‘Of course it is,’ I said, as the tears streamed down my face. ‘If I hadn’t written that letter then his brother would never have died!’
‘But Nick would have done.’
I shook my head. ‘But that was the way it was meant to be. This is why he told me he didn’t want to know anything about the future, because nothing good can ever come from interfering with it.’
‘You don’t know for certain that he even found your letter.’
I looked up. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, you have no idea whether he found it, or whether the fact that Andy got on the train rather than Nick was just a coincidence.’
I stared at her. That had never even occurred to me. I’d just assumed that Nick’s brother dying instead of him was down to me. But what if Rachel was right, and it was just a coincidence?
‘Maybe. But that still doesn’t change the fact that he hasn’t replied to my email.’
‘Then let’s go and find him,’ she said.
‘Find him?’
‘You know. In real life.’
‘No!’ I shook my head. ‘Absolutely no way. I am not just turning up out of the blue, I’d give the poor man a heart attack.’
‘Fine, fine.’ Rachel held her hands up in mock surrender. ‘But you need to think of something, otherwise you could spend the rest of your life sitting around worrying about it and that’s no good for you or Flynn.’
I agreed. The trouble was, I was still no closer to coming up with a solution.
Luckily, the universe came up with one for me.
The next morning after dropping Flynn at school I logged onto my emails as usual, fully expecting the same result as always. But this time as I scanned the screen, the breath left my body.
There was an email from Nick.
I stared at it for ages, the words blurring in front of my eyes until I couldn’t see anything at all.
Nick had replied, but there was no subject, and no clue as to what the email might contain.
My hand hovered over the mouse, ready to click. But I couldn’t do it. What if the words he had written made my whole world implode?
I picked up my phone and called Rachel.
‘Can you come?’ I said, my voice small.
‘Darling, I can’t right now I’m at work,’ she said. ‘What on earth’s happened?’
‘It’s Nick,’ I whispered, almost breathless. ‘He’s replied.’
‘Oh my God.’
‘I know.’
‘Okay, open it now. I’ll stay on the phone.’
‘I can’t,’ I said. I was completely paralysed with fear.
‘I’m here,’ she said. ‘It’ll be fine. It’s just words. Words can’t hurt you.’
I sat, frozen, with my mobile pressed against my ear, my other hand poised, ready to click. And then, I did it.
And I read the words that were about to change my whole future.