Chapter 16
BILLIE
The last thing on earth I’d expected to come out of Adam’s mouth was that Genesis Milan broke up with him.
Holy shit.
My mind felt like it was short-circuiting. She’d probably just been shocked over him not moving to the UK. He didn’t seem bothered at all, but Adam wasn’t exactly a wear-his-heart-on-his-sleeve type of guy. But he had to be.
Right? Adam Knight was far too sensitive to not be upset over someone he was with for three years.
I’m sure they were going to get back together. Maybe that’s why this didn’t seem to be affecting him. Because they were just going to get back together. Maybe this was a thing they did. A pattern. They broke up and made up. A toxic cycle.
Why did it matter? I shook my head. It made no difference in my life.
“Where do I go?” he asked.
“What?” I was so distracted I didn’t even realize we’d arrived at my apartment.
“Oh, pull into the first garage.”
I dug into my purse and handed him the keycard, and the gate lifted. He drove inside.
“My parking spot is five B.”
He pulled into the designated area and stopped. “Was this where your car was when the note was left?”
“Yes.”
He glanced up through the windshield. “There are cameras.”
“The video footage was wiped.”
His jaw ticked as his fingers flexed around the steering wheel.
I could feel the tension radiating off him and knew that it was just going to get worse. Any problem Adam couldn’t solve drove him crazy. We were very similar in that regard.
“I’ll only be a few minutes.” I reached for the door.
His heavy, large hand landed on my knee, and I felt his touch in places that were not as innocent as my knee.
“You’re not going up there alone.”
The thought of Adam being inside my apartment, in my personal space, did funny things to my insides. It made me feel very…I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it.
“I don’t need a babysitter.” I moved my leg away from his touch.
“Fine. Then consider me your bodyguard.”
He got out of the driver’s side and was around to my door before I gathered my purse. The one time, I wished “Breakroom Dave” would have been parked in his spot. There was no way Adam could have slinked out when I had to suck in to do it if the Audi Q5 was there.
Out of pure instinct, or the power of suggestion, when he held out his hand, I took it without thinking.
The second our palms touched, it was like a live wire of electricity shot through me.
It had been happening all day, but it was even worse now, now that we were alone, in a darkened, secluded area where secret dirty deeds could be performed and no one would be any the wiser.
I jerked my hand away.
“Are you okay?” he asked, scanning my body up and down, looking for any outside interference that could have caused my sudden reaction.
“I’m fine,” I assured him.
His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn’t push me on it.
We walked through the lobby, and I was relieved it was empty, Mrs. Finch was not in her normal spot sitting on the window seat, and Kenny wasn’t at his post. I didn’t get any side eyes.
We stepped onto the elevator, and I pressed the fourteenth floor.
The ride up was silent. I wasn’t sure if he was being quiet because he was upset about his breakup or if he was tense about the notes and tires.
It was strange because part of me wanted to fall right back into the patterns of our old relationship.
I wanted to dig for details and find out what was said in the message.
How he was feeling. If it was actually over.
But twenty years had passed since we’d had that sort of relationship.
The elevator stopped, and when the doors opened, Adam silently followed me off and down the hallway. Nerves were bubbling inside of me as I unlocked my door and opened it. I couldn’t think about anything other than how good Adam smelt as he walked past me as I turned off my alarm.
“Was your alarm set?”
“What?” I glanced over my shoulder. “Yes, I just turned it off.”
“Was the note here?” He pointed to the island, nearly the exact spot where it was.
“Hmm, mmm.”
Having Adam in my apartment was messing with my head even more than I thought it would.
Seeing the man I’d been trying to forget, to erase from my memory, suddenly in 3D, walking around, talking, just being in my space was too much for my senses, for my heart, for my entire being.
I felt like I was living in an alternate reality.
I just needed to pack up my things for a few nights and get out of there.
“I’ll just be a few minutes.”
He nodded and stepped past my kitchen into my living space.
I could tell he was checking the balcony for points of entry.
I left him to inspect the area while I walked down the short hallway to the bedroom, stopping at the hall closet for my overnight bag.
Storage in San Francisco was a luxury, so some of my things were in the hall closet, some were in the bedroom closet, and some were in containers under my bed.
My mind was racing, wondering how many days I should pack for.
A week maybe. Was that too long? I’d decided to stay at Bailey’s house.
I loved Birdie, but she lived in a loft apartment, and as much as I appreciated her free spirit, I couldn’t live with no walls.
At Bailey’s house I would at least have my own room.
And I’ll be right next door to Adam.
I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. Twice today I thought he was actually going to kiss me. We’d been so close. And twice today I’d been very disappointed when it hadn’t happened.
Even though it was twenty years ago, I could still feel the perfection of our kiss. The way his lips felt on mine. So soft, yet firm at the same time. My entire body went up in flames.
I lifted my hand to my mouth and touched my lips as I closed my eyes.
“Do you need help?”
His deep voice sounded behind me, and I jumped, spinning around to face the man who stole my heart when I was four, then shattered it into a trillion pieces at sixteen.
He stood in the doorway of my room. The look in his eye was… intense.
“You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry,” he apologized.
“You don’t look very sorry.” I let out a half-laugh as I turned back around to try and finish packing, standing in front of my closet.
“Are we going to talk about it?”
“I told you guys everything.”
“I’m not talking about your stalker. I’m talking about my dad’s wedding.”
I froze. I couldn’t believe he was bringing it up. I thought if I did he’d just say he was drunk and didn’t remember anything.
“Sure.” I was very curious to hear what he had to say about that night. Even more curious to find out why he left without saying goodbye to me and then didn’t speak to me for twenty years. But hey, we could start with his dad’s wedding night.
As I turned back around, I was expecting him to speak, to say something, but instead he walked into my room and over to the dresser where there were four photos: one of me with my mom, one of my grandparents, one of me and my sisters when we were younger, and one of me and my sisters at the grand reopening of Bliss Bridal after the renovations.
His back was to me as he looked at each one. “It’s so weird being back here.”
“It’s weird you being back here,” I agreed.
He turned to face me, and it was then that it dawned on me where we were. We were in my bedroom. A room with a bed in it. It was in the name. I tried to tell myself that it was a room just like any other room, but that’s not what it felt like.
I’d never had a man in this room. I didn’t like men in my space. I also didn’t want men to know where I lived unless we were serious, which hadn’t ever happened. It was a safety thing. Which sounded ridiculous now, considering the situation I was in.
“Good weird or bad weird?” he asked.
“The jury’s still out,” I teased.
“Your sisters are happy I’m back.”
“They always worshipped the ground you walked on.”
“And you?” He took a step towards me.
It was so strange. I was the most blunt, honest-to-a-fault person in the world, but right now, when I wanted to be, I felt nervous. But fuck it. “You knew how I felt about you.”
Adam dropped his head. “I know, I’m sorry.”
Okay, that was not the reaction I expected.
“What are you apologizing for?”
“For the wedding. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what?”
I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to hear him say that he regretted kissing me. He regretted kissing me and doing other things with me.
He stared at me and his jaw ticked. “You know.”
The energy between us was getting heavier by the second. There were years of unsaid words and emotions that had built up. Everything up until now had been polite conversation. I hated polite conversation.
“No, I don’t. Tell me what you shouldn’t have done.”
Adam ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Can’t I just say I’m sorry?”
“No, I want to know specifically what you are saying sorry for.”
“Why?! You know I can’t…I’ve never been good at…”
“What are you sorry for?!” I demanded, taking a step closer to him.
I needed to hear him say he regretted kissing me so I could finally move on with my life. For twenty years I had been in a holding pattern. Holding on to a night that Adam clearly wished had never happened. I needed to hear him say it was a mistake that he wished had never happened and explain why.
“For being a selfish asshole!” he finally blurted out.
It took a second for his words to compute in my brain. I blinked at him several times.
“A selfish asshole?” I repeated. “What? Why?”
“Because I wanted you. I’d wanted you for years.”
My heart was beating so fast, faster than it ever had before. Did he just say he’d wanted me for years?
“I knew it was wrong. I knew that I was leaving and you were too young—”
“I was sixteen, you were seventeen,” I interrupted.
He sighed. “I was turning eighteen in two days.”
“But if you wanted me for years, why didn’t you ever do anything about it?”
“I was never going to stay here, Billie. I had to leave. I couldn’t stay with my dad. And you were my best friend, more than that, I don’t even know what you were. I couldn’t…I didn’t know how to even breathe when you weren’t around.”
“Clearly you figured it out,” I countered, calling bullshit.
“And you were young.”
“I wasn’t that young.” I took another step and realized we were never going to see eye to eye on that, but I had other questions I wanted answers to. “Why didn’t you say goodbye? Why didn’t you call me or write to me?”
“I had already enlisted. You didn’t know that, but I did right after I found out about the money.
At the time I told myself I didn’t say goodbye because it was better for you if I didn’t.
That it would be cleaner that way. But I think the truth is, I’m not sure if I saw you again, if I would have been able to go. ”
“You would have had to go.” I smiled, feeling lighter than I had in years, probably just because we were talking again.
I just missed talking to my best friend.
Or maybe it was because Adam Knight just told me he’d wanted me for years and didn’t know how to breathe without me, even if it was bullshit.
“It was the military, I don’t think you would have had a choice. ”
Adam grinned and looked down at the ground.
“Why didn’t you return my texts or calls, or write to me? All those years.”
When he looked back up, the intensity in his stare caused my knees to go weak and all the oxygen in the room to get sucked out. “I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I’m sorry."
Now I couldn’t breathe. “Why?”
“At first it was because I felt guilty. Then the longer it went, I just couldn’t. If I did, it would have been too hard to stay away.”
“I thought I scared you off because you knew I was…a virgin.”
“No.” He took another step closer to me. “No. Fuck, no. I’m sorry. It was…me. I wanted you so bad. That’s why I stopped, I had to.”
“You hurt me.” It was the biggest understatement in the world, but it was the truth. “Bad. Really, really bad. More than anyone else ever has.” Or ever could, because I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you.
“I know, I’m sorry.”
I could see the pain in his eyes. I knew I wasn’t the only one who had suffered all these years, but a few “I’m sorrys” didn’t erase everything he’d done. “It’s not enough.”
He nodded. “I know.”
Tears started to form in my eyes, so I quickly turned back to finish packing. If this heart-to-heart was going to end in bodily fluids, it was not going to be teardrops.