Chapter 60
Sixty
I’ve increased the weight during my lifts and the time spent challenging my mind outside of the training grounds.
I need to be stronger, faster, wittier. My mind, body, and soul are all exhausted, but I can only find sleep when I’m pushing my limits.
Most nights, sleep eludes me, and my feet find their way back to the track.
I run until my lungs scream for air and my legs give out beneath me.
I sit beneath the stars, finding the brightest light in the darkened sky.
Only after I’ve discovered Lenny do I return to my apartment, pretending the stillness isn’t closing in on me.
One particular harrowing evening, I sit with my chin resting on my knees, searching for Lenny.
A shift in the air alerts me to a quiet presence, one I know as well as my own.
“You need to rest, Zellie.” Orion sits down beside me.
How he knows to find me here is beyond my mental capacity at this moment, but having him here is comforting all the same.
“I know my limits,” I mutter, still scanning the sky.
“You’re blinded by your rage, by your grief.”
I exhale, adjusting my head so that my cheek is propped on my legs as I meet Orion’s gaze.
“I’m worried about you,” he whispers, brushing a yellow strand out of my eyes.
His words touch something profound within me I’m not ready to acknowledge.
I’m not prepared to feel. I need to remain in this emotional paralysis.
The numbness is safe and protective, even if it pushes others away.
I stand up, brushing off my legs. “Worried about me? That’s cute, Riri. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Orion grabs me, halting my movement. “Stop it. It’s me. Let me in, Zi.”
“There’s nothing in here you want to see.” I brush off the contact.
As I’m walking away, he calls after me, “I’m here, for whatever you need.” Doesn’t he know he’s too precious to me? I refuse to use him. To let him in further. I lose only those I care about, anyway.
“Harder,” I pant, as Leo thrusts into me from behind. He gathers my hair in his hand, yanking my head back to kiss me.
“Is this what you need, baby? You like it when I fuck you like this?”
“Yes,” I hiss, my back hitting his chest as he snakes his arm around my waist, his fingers finding my clit.
I crave this connection, this closeness to him.
Especially lately, when the oily wrath within me threatens to ooze out and the distance between us only seems to grow.
He’s quiet, disappearing more frequently. But now? There’s only him and me.
Our skin molded together, our souls dancing.
He pounds relentlessly into me, each press driving me closer to the edge.
I reach my climax on a silent scream, Leo biting down on my shoulder hard enough to leave a mark as he empties himself within me.
Our joining was quick, rough, and dirty—somehow, exactly what I needed.
He lies back on his pillow, attempting to pull me down beside him.
Instead, I move off the bed, turning to head to the bathroom.
When I return, Leo is waiting. His chest glistens with sweat, my mouth going dry at the sight.
My attraction to him is unmatched, my need for him only growing. It’s dangerous.
“I’m going to head back, try to get some sleep.”
“Stay with me.”
“No, that’s okay.” I don’t want him to witness my nightmares or see me fall apart. He already owns so much of my heart. I cannot allow him to have the entire thing, for I fear it will only end in despair.
He raises an eyebrow but, fortunately, doesn’t push further. I kiss his cheek before heading towards the door, refusing to meet his gaze. “Zell—”
I pause in the doorway. “Don’t,” I shake my head, the high of my orgasm already wearing off. Distractions only last so long before reality sets back in. Without another word, I disappear.
Two weeks into the training cycle, Orion informs me that the Kosmos is hosting a last ball before the previous game.
“I’m not going,” I say, placing my weights down and wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand.
Any progress I’ve made towards controlling my emotions shatters instantly as I’m thrown back into the arena, holding Lenny’s limp form. They did this.
“Zellie, you know that’s not an option.”
I ignore him, instead focusing on my training.
“Atlas, want to spar?” I call out across the fields.
My blood is thrumming—it’s the darkness seeking vengeance, in need of something to sate it.
Atlas is jogging on the track with Merri but stops when he hears me.
He nods, heading towards the sparring ring.
As we meet, I ask, “Please don’t go easy on me. ”
We go a few rounds, circling and jabbing without landing a blow.
My punches are sloppy and fatigued, yet I continue.
Atlas deals the first punch to my cheek after I half-heartedly attempt to block him.
I stagger backwards, clutching my cheek.
I allow myself to feel the pain, impressed that I actually feel something.
It’s a distraction, one that I welcome. Atlas immediately stops, horrified. “Zellie! Are you oka—”
Leo barrels into Atlas’s side, snarling. He slams him into the ground, fists raised. “Don’t fucking touch her!” That’s twice now that Leo has threatened him; Atlas likely will want nothing to do with me from here on out.
“She didn’t even try to block me! I didn’t mean to hurt her, I swear!”
“Get off him!” I shriek, the pain forgotten, shoving at Leo. “What are you doing?”
“Protecting you!” He raises his voice in return.
“From Atlas? Get a hold of yourself.”
“He fucking punched you!”
“We were sparring!” I roar, not caring that we’re embarrassing ourselves in front of the others. The anger, the pain—it’s something. Something is better than nothing. I spin, stomping off the training grounds, my cheek throbbing.
Chaos. This is what I wanted, wasn’t it?