Chapter 9 #2
Max didn’t just hold me. The harder I sobbed, the closer he clutched me. Protected me. One arm snaked around my back, the other bent along my arm, his hand cupping the back of my neck as his fingers gently massaged the base of my scalp.
His presence rose like a wall, shielding me from the rest of the world.
In this apartment. In this job. In his arms. He was giving me the space to be vulnerable and the decency to pretend he didn’t see it.
With every sob, I breathed him in. Flowers and mint.
With every shake, I felt the strength of his arms support me.
He’d never let me shatter. With every cry, I felt the pain dissolve against the heat of his hard chest.
“It’s all going to be okay, Daze. I’ve got you,” Max repeated, his lips against the top of my head. How many times had he said those words? I’d lost count. They’d become a melody in the background, a comforting chant that steadily pushed my worries back at bay. “I’m sorry—”
“No.” I shook my head against him, slowly tipping back. “I’m sorry, Max,” I said through a bout of hiccups. “I shouldn’t have…I didn’t mean for this.” I sniffled, looking down at the T-shirt, the flowers on it now watered with tears.
“It’s okay, Daze. I’m always here for you. Always.”
I felt my armor crawl back over my skin like icicles. All I wanted was his warmth. All I wanted was his arms around me all night, even if it was to hold me like that and nothing more. All I wanted was to confess the weight on my chest. I wasn’t sad that Todd had disappeared.
I wasn’t sad that I wasn’t married to him.
I was sad because, for my daughter’s sake, I felt like I should be.
It was for her sake that I’d said yes when, weeks before, I’d considered finally ending things with Todd.
It was for her sake I muddled through Todd’s doubts and drinking and distance.
And now, I didn’t know which version of me was worse: not being sad that her father had abandoned us or accepting so little from a man just so she’d have more of a father than I had.
Or was it this version? The version who’d always harbored a fantasy about being with Max Hamilton? But even that had its chinks. Even Max had left me.
“Are you?” I looked up at him and asked, my voice still clogged.
Pain lanced his eyes. “Of course. How could you think—”
“Because you disappeared too, Max. For the last almost six months,” I charged.
“As soon as Todd told you about the baby, about our wedding, you got so busy that we never saw you. That you never saw him. He needed you—I needed you. Was it because—” I flinched and stepped back, shocked at how easily I’d almost brought up that night.
He couldn’t know. And if by some unbelievable chance he did, he was too much of a gentleman to say anything.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be…It doesn’t matter.
Todd was going to do this no matter what anyone did. ”
“I am sorry, Daisy.” It wasn’t his words as much as it was his expression that ripped a new tear in my heart—like I’d just driven a knife through his.
“No, I shouldn’t have said that,” I said, pressing my hand to my forehead and then holding it protectively over my stomach.
“This is just a lot for me right now, and all I can think about is the baby. I have to figure this out for her. I will figure this out for her,” I said, my voice quieting.
“I appreciate everything, Max. I truly, truly do. I just…”
“I understand,” he said so I didn’t have to finish.
My throat swelled tight. How many times had I called Max in the past?
Todd and I would argue, and I’d get in my car and drive, and then call him.
No matter how many ways I explained it, Todd didn’t understand why I wanted certain things.
Why I clung to my independence. And when I couldn’t get through to him, I told everything to Max.
I used to think it was because I’d hoped he could get through to Todd.
Now, I had to wonder if it was simply because I knew Max would understand.
“Thank you for the clothes. And the apartment. And the job.” I needed to accept that I needed help right now. It wouldn’t be forever. It wouldn’t be my undoing. I was going to be okay.
When he didn’t say anything for a beat, I turned to him, my breath catching at the intensity of his gaze.
“Max…”
He closed the space between us, his knuckles instantly propping under my chin and lifting my face to his. Kiss me. The thought sprang unbidden from the insane corner of my mind, and I quickly shoved it aside.
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Daisy,” he murmured with a rough voice, his stare impossible to break. “Nothing.”
His eyes dropped to my parted lips, and for a second, I thought he’d heard my insanity, that he’d heard my ache to kiss him, but then his arm fell to his side, and he backpedaled several paces.
He speared his fingers through his hair, gripping the strands hard before releasing them.
For a blip of a second, I imagined my own fingers clenching his hair.
“I’ll…umm…see you in the morning.”
“Yeah.” I swallowed down the urge to ask him to stay and nodded. “Goodnight, Max.”
“Goodnight, Daisy.”
I watched him leave, feeling my heart beat into the front wall of my chest a little harder, like it wanted to go after him. Just to have him hold me again. But I couldn’t.
I could accept his generosity, but I couldn’t afford to want more. No matter what he said, the way he’d put an ocean of distance between us when I got pregnant spoke volumes. I couldn’t afford to want one more person it would kill me to lose.