Chapter 20 #2
I watched as the small creatures started to settle and still after just a few puffs of the white smoke.
“Now we can check on the honey.”
Harper set the tin down and grabbed another tool that she used to pry up the first frame inside the hive.
“Are you still harvesting?”
“No.” Harper shook her head, examining the screen that was splotched with bees on top of honeycombs.
“Sometimes, when it stays warm like this, the hives will continue to produce honey in September and October, but I don’t like to risk taking too much from the hive so that they don’t have enough stores for the winter. ”
Satisfied with what she saw, she slid the frame back into place and pulled out the next one, repeating her inspection.
While she worked, she explained the process of harvesting the honey during the summer months. The different kinds of bees found in the hives. How to go about finding the queen.
We made it down the entire row of eight hives and turned back toward the second stretch of tiny towers before Harper fell silent, and I knew what she was thinking about.
I knew because I was thinking about him too.
“So…any new men in your life?” I must be really desperate to avoid talking about Max.
Harper flushed, and her head fell. “I’ve been too busy with the business.”
I was the master of crafting truth-coated excuses, so I easily recognized when I was being given one.
“Too busy? You can’t be too busy to put yourself out there.” It was as close as I’d come to revealing what Max had told me about her crush on Blaze Stevens.
Harper glanced around like she wanted to make sure there was no one else to hear—no one but the bees.
“I think it’s for the best. The heart never seems to act rationally,” she said, and smoked the guard bees of the next hive like the white cloud could erase parts of her thoughts too.
“So do you want to talk about what happened with Max this morning?”
Speaking of not rational.
“You don’t have to,” she said when I didn’t reply immediately. “I just want you to know you can talk to me. You’re family, Daisy, and not just because you married Max.”
Without warning, tears welled to the surface of my eyes. Even with the netting covering my face, I was afraid she’d see, so I took a few steps into the wildflowers.
Pink and purple and orange and yellow petals dotted my vision, bees flitting between the various blooms before heading back to their hives. Their homes.
Family.
Little sprout started to kick then and seemingly knocked my tears free. I bit into my cheek. God, these hormones were going to be the death of me.
In previous versions of my life, I would’ve kept my conversation with Max and my feelings to myself.
But now…
Now, I had the opportunity to be a part of the family I’d always been jealous of. An opportunity to be close to people who would support me no matter what. Who would help me without question, and more importantly, without considering me helpless.
Who would I be if I didn’t take it?
The old Daisy.
The independent coward.
I returned to Harper’s side as she carefully replaced the lid on the first hive.
“I’m sorry, Harp. It’s all just a lot right now. Todd. The baby. The wedding. Todd’s parents. Max.”
“Don’t apologize.” Setting her smoker down, she pulled me in for an awkward bee-suited hug, the attempt alone drawing a watery laugh from my chest.
“I know he’s my brother, so you don’t have to share—”
“He told me he’s always had feelings for me,” I blurted out. “Before he knew I was with Todd. While he knew I was with Todd. Now.”
Meanwhile, I was so afraid to admit I’d made the wrong choice, that I’d ignored the right man standing in front of me all these years.
“For the record, I told him many times he was an idiot for not saying something,” she muttered, annoyed.
“He was trying to be respectful of Todd. Of me,” I found myself defending him because, in spite of my anger earlier, he was defensible.
What kind of person would he have been to drive that wedge between Todd and me? Not the man I knew him to be, that was for sure.
“Max is too respectful. I get not wanting to ruin a friendship or a friend’s relationship, but everything he did to help Todd keep you?
And on top of that, planned your wedding?
Talk about beating a dead horse.” She slid the top off the next hive.
“You have every right to be angry at him for not saying anything. In fact, I really think you should take the opportunity to torture him with it.”
“Torture?” Remnants of a laugh splintered free as I shook my head. “I can’t torture him. Not after everything…”
Not after four years of torturing himself to try to make me happy.
“Well, it’s still my vote. And Nox’s.” She pulled out the honeycomb crawling with bees. “Plus, it’ll be good to get out some of the anger.”
“I’m not angry with him,” I admitted, catching Harper’s gaze through the screens in our hoods. “I’m angry with myself.”
“What?” She shoved the honeycomb back inside and closed up the hive. “What are you talking about? You didn’t do anything—”
“That’s it. That’s why I’m upset.” I gulped, guilt clawing at my throat. “I didn’t do anything. I didn’t do anything when things with Todd weren’t right. When I saw all the signs that I should’ve left him.” When I couldn’t stop fantasizing about his best friend.
This was what had broken my heart into a hundred pieces earlier. Not Max. Not his holding back how he felt. Me.
Me, afraid to accept how I felt. Me, holding back that I wanted him the same.
“He was right. I went to him, to Max, when I was upset with Todd. I wasn’t looking for someone to tell me to leave. I was looking for someone to give me reasons to stay, someone to give me reasons why I’d made the right choice and hadn’t fallen for disappointment like all the men my mom dated.”
And Max had taken my lead. Like he always did.
He’d given me what I’d told him I wanted: reasons to stay with Todd. He’d tried to make Todd into the man I wanted…the man Max was.
“You can’t beat yourself up for that, Daisy.
I’m not sure there’s a single person who isn’t guilty of trying to hang onto a relationship that wasn’t right for them,” she counseled, sounding far too wise for someone so young as we walked back through the thicket to her tool shed.
“We’re all afraid to put ourselves out there. ”
“It’s not just that,” I confessed quietly, my gaze dropping to the ground, sprigs of wildflowers shooting up between my feet.
“Then what is it?”
I met her stare. “I’m angry with myself because, deep down, I’ve wanted him this whole time too.”
I wasn’t angry at Max for keeping how he felt about me a secret.
I was angry at myself for doing the same.
For four years, I’d fantasized about him.
Savored the time we spent together. Ached for more.
But did nothing because Todd was safe. Todd was who I’d picked.
Todd was never a real threat to my heart.
Max wasn’t a coward for not speaking up. I was. I was the one who was too afraid to be wrong, even when it kept me from being with the person who felt right.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want to do?”
What did I want?
I wanted for this time with Max to never end. I wanted for every moment to be like those in the bathroom last night, where there was no invisible barrier between us.
“I want to be with your brother,” I said and held my stomach.
“Okay. So tell him that.”
The ball in my throat swelled. “I don’t think the answer is as simple as that. I’m…” I motioned to my stomach. “Not as simple as that.”
I was surprised Harper didn’t sway with how hard she rolled her eyes, but then she lifted her arms in mock surrender.
“All right, maybe you aren’t that simple, but my brother definitely is,” she insisted. “And I’m telling you that the way he looks at you now is no different than he has for the last four years.”
The way he looked at me last night from the shower was definitely different. Better. Complete. But I refrained from telling her that.
“So you think I should just waltz back into his house and tell him I feel the same way about him?”
“No.” Harper’s eyes twinkled.
“What?”
“Forget telling him. Just go back there and kiss him.”
Something between a laugh and a choke sounded from my chest. “No, I can’t just…do that.”
There was so much to say. So much to apologize for. To figure out. And we hadn’t even scratched the surface of what had happened last night.
“Why not?” Harper pulled off my hat, her earnestness silencing me. “He’s your husband, Daisy. I think that’s exactly what that means.”