Chapter 41
Tessa
Gasoline by Halsey
Oxygen, silicon, aluminum, and iron…
Everything can be broken down with enough time, effort, or force.
So, why would I be any different than a fundamental element of the earth?
Theodore had briefly paused my path of destruction, but only for the years he’d worked as my bodyguard. When Alex took over, the downhill slide called to me like a siren to a ship, and I was all too willing to take the plunge into a darkened whirlpool with no way back.
I wasn’t perfect, and I knew that from a very young age.
You should have been so much more, to so many more…
I'd been burning my candle at both ends since I was born, and the flames had finally met in the middle. Leaving nothing but ash and charcoal to surround me on either side—irrevocably burnt out.
Being outed for who I’d become, who I truly was, should’ve been a massive relief—a burden I no longer had to carry, accepting who I am. But all I felt was shame and guilt.
“We’ll fix this, princess. I promise you that when we return, this will all be just a bad dream. You can depend on us to make everything right.”
His whispered words before the door to the penthouse slammed shut, and both Lucas and Levi bolted to handle damage control for a situation I had created.
They were stepping in to save my name from defamation while I continued to stand there with my feet planted in place, frozen, my mind spiraling into madness as the lingering warmth from Lucas’s touch faded from my skin.
They wouldn’t have intervened if they didn’t care… If you didn’t matter…
Reminiscent thoughts of the murder, the hatred, and my failures were all smothering me like a butterfly having been shoved into a jar with the lid screwed on tight and no holes made for oxygen.
You need to breathe through your trauma… It will all be fine… Everything will work out…
I didn’t hear a single word of the conversation between my husbands before they left.
Just their muffled voices as blood rushed to my ears, pounding away like the beat of a war drum, and I settled into a state of shock at what was unfolding before my eyes.
Candid photos, leaked security footage… all of it real, all of it containing me.
Well, Evie Sinclair, not actually you… Did you forget you were wearing a wig? The pink hair?
The corners of my eyesight darkened as I lost what little sense of rationale I had left, diverting my panic from the slander in search of the only thing I kept in my possession that could make all of this go away.
Something I had brought with me in case my initial escape plan failed and I was forced to return to a world where I wanted nothing more than to abandon life altogether.
Don’t do it…
All my belongings were split between Lucas and Levi’s rooms, and when I couldn’t find what I was looking for in one, I took flight into the other. A matte black, hard-body suitcase that was used when I needed my belongings to look inconspicuous.
There was a hidden compartment Theodore had installed under the interior lining of the case to conceal important documents and small items.
In the year—weeks that followed Theodore’s absence, I discovered another way to cope with the stress and pressures of the nightmare of my so-called life. A small white bar that promised a euphoric escape, numbing my brain and allowing me to feel anything other than the pain of my existence.
You lost a part of yourself that day… when he left… didn’t you?
I was hurting. I am hurting. My life was a fucking disaster, and the longer I stood here, pretending that everything would all be okay—
You need to take a minute and stop. Get a hold of yourself. It could always be worse. Your fans will still love you… Those who care will understand—
It wasn’t just about me anymore. I was hurting more than just myself now. My choices and actions affected them—these two incredible men who had fought for everything they have.
Lucas and Levi deserved far better than what I could offer. Better than someone who would only become nothing more than an unnecessary burden to their peaceful lives.
I don’t deserve them. I never did.
But what about all the special moments, their ability to let you in and be vulnerable with you? That has to count for something…
I know they love me; that they’d do anything my heart desires. But I also know that there is no way in hell I can ever live with this incessant, toxic train of thought, hammering away at my sanity, reinforcing that I don’t deserve everything they’ve given me.
I can’t open my eyes each and every morning to their handsome faces and loving devotion, knowing that at some point, they’ll realize the mistake they’ve made in choosing me and regret everything we’ve ever had.
I was always someone’s shame. Someone’s lapse in judgment. A disappointment.
But they found you—fell for you…
Loving them means sacrificing myself so that they can have what they truly deserve in this life. I’m not enough and never will be. Not just for them, but for anyone.
Who was I fucking kidding anymore?
I’ll never be worthy of anyone’s affections, let alone theirs…
I’ve walked this path my entire fucking life, and I’m finally reaching the end of my rope—the noose around my neck weighing me down, just waiting for me to take that final step and kick the chair.
They promised they would fix the mess I’d created, but who the fuck was going to fix me?
Unable to find the hidden zipper in my suitcase, my nails ripped through the seam as if it were the stitching on my recently repaired heart.
The one Lucas had mended back together.
The one Levi brought back to life with his breath.
Calm down, Tess… Remember everything they’ve said… Their words of affirmation…
As I peeled away the thin fabric, exposing years of damage in the process, there, staring at me like the compelling monster it was, was the bag of pills I’d stashed away right before I ran away.
Back home, I had a reputable dealer. Knowing my intention of disappearing, I stocked up over the course of a few months, not wanting to take the risk of having to find my preferred method of therapy elsewhere.
A few solid handfuls were all I had left.
More than sufficient to get me by. Enough to save me from… what? Myself?
I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.
Too many identities and personas all rolled into one.
The innocent daughter, the model actress, the sweetheart, the good girl, the flawless fucking idol.
Even though I’d planned for the worst, I never actually believed that it would come to this. That I would fall in love with not one, but two exceptional men who saw me as the sun and the moon—to cherish and to adore.
What are you doing, Tess?… What the fuck are you doing?
Theodore left because upholding my honor was exhausting—and how the fuck could you love someone who only caused you problems that require a solution? Someone you have to spend your entire life cleaning up after.
I won’t stand by and let Lucas and Levi spend our whole future—their future, wondering when the next explosive newscast will rear its ugly head. Not when I could just prevent it from escalating any further than this right here, right now.
I was a cinder block chained to their ankles, and if I stuck around long enough, I’d do nothing more than drown them right along with me.
You can’t take this choice back…
With my whole nervous system on fire, I gripped the bag tightly to my chest before twisting on my toes and sprinting toward the bathroom.
Carelessly crossing the threshold, I tripped on the mat, falling face-first to the floor, blinded by my tear-soaked eyes.
I heard the bag burst on impact with the tile, pills scattering around me, just like the pieces of my useless life.
They love you…
This solution was supposed to be easy.
Two seconds. Pop and swallow.
I sobbed into the plush rug, screaming my frustrations into a void that wasn’t capable of answering—or offering its condolences.
I was a selfish person at heart, thinking only of myself, but I wouldn’t be that version of me anymore. Not when it came to them, the men who dropped their walls to let me in—only for me to go and fuck it all up as I always tended to do.
We’re human. We all make mistakes…
I wanted them both; more than anything. But there was a price to pay for something so precious.
Everything comes at a cost…
And this was one I could no longer afford. They were better off without me.
No, they’re not… They need you like a ship needs an anchor…
I was doing this for them.
You’re doing this for yourself… Running away instead of fighting for what you love…
What was the point of living if all you’ll ever be is another person’s burden?
Blindly reaching out, I picked up whatever pills I could manage, grasping between shaky fingers, dry swallowing every promise of escape, one right after the other in quick succession.
Without the help of water, they felt like tiny shards of shattered glass against my throat on their way down—because what was pain without misery and torment.
What have you done, Tess…
Exhausted, emotionally drained, beaten and broken, I sprawled out across the floor with half of my body on the cloud-like mat, the other melting into the cool tile as I stared up at the bright white ceiling, now fading, turning gray and dark with every drawn-out blink and breath.
They wanted you… Chose you…
My fingertips and lips buzzed, ears ringing hollow to the ambient noise around me, and my head grew light as air. I probably shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine…
You failed them by choosing this…
As I surrendered to my fate, the floor beneath me vanished, and I found myself floating like a feather into the darkness I’d only brought upon myself.
But in the dark, you can’t see the walls that confine you.
In the abyss, the world is limitless.