Chapter 29 #3
If I could, I would have run to Suyai immediately. Of course, I would.
Of course.
“Mare, what–” the princess’s voice yet again brings me back. She gasps before finishing her sentence. I had forced my eyes away from Mare, but following the princess’s wide eyes, I see him again.
Him, with the dagger in one hand, stabbing it into the other.
I curse and lunge forward, but he’s smaller and faster. He’s only a few steps from the princess and grabs her arm before I reach arm’s length. I start forward anyway, but then I see his sliced hand mere inches away from the princess’s matching one.
“Mare, Mare, careful.” The words tumble out of my mouth, barely coherent.
The princess jerks away but stills the instant Mare almost slams his hand into hers. He’s too close. He could touch her any second. The princess may be faster, but how much are we willing to bet on her reflexes?
“Mare, what are you doing?” I gasp out. My breath is coming out in giant huffs. I can feel my heart pounding against my ribs, like it’s a second away from breaking through bones.
He’s sniffling. I see him almost lift his hand to wipe his running nose, but he remembers himself at the last minute and only holds on to the princess’s arm tighter.
“What is happening?” I whisper.
“I want to see my sister,” he cries.
“You’ll see her soon. I promise. Right after–”
“No! I want to see her now.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Mare is inches away from ending up a corpse on the ground.
“Get away from him,” I bark out.
The princess looks at me with pure shock that mirrors my own. She’s got tears in her eyes, genuine tears threatening to fall, and I want to scream. How dare she? She’s the one who could kill him.
“Mare, let me go,” she says, her voice just as shaky as mine. “Please. I don’t want to hurt you.” She could throw him down, push him, or sidestep, but all of that comes with the risk of his hand touching hers.
“Then take me home. Take me to my sister,” he shouts.
“Sinchinrei,” the princess pleads, but I don’t know for what. When did I lose Mare? When did he stop believing I would save Suyai, save them all? When did he learn to do this?
“I just want to see my sister,” he cries again, and both Yanami and I hold our breaths as his hand shakes and brings him closer to her open wound.
“I’ll take you there, Mare. Just move your hand a little further away.”
“No,” he says, shaking his head and staring at the ground.
“Sinchinrei, come here, and I’ll get us to Lima. It’s okay, Mare. I’ll take us back. You don’t have to risk your life for this,” the princess begs. I’ve never heard her beg.
“I can’t go,” I say as soon as the princess goes silent.
Both of them quiet down.
“What?” she says.
“I can’t show up to Lima without the Sun Staff.”
Mare shakes so hard his hand once again moves closer to the princess’s.
My heart is in my throat, but I can’t move.
Once the princess travels to Lima, her samay will be drained.
I won’t be able to come back here. I can’t show up to Lima without the Sun Staff.
I can’t show up a failure, not after everything.
Not after the Inka’s execution. Not after my mom’s.
Not after this man’s sweltering body on the sand.
“Ple-please. I just want to see my sister,” Mare whispers. “I don’t want to die. I just want to see my sister.”
My mouth gapes open at his admission. He knows what grabbing the princess’s hand would mean.
“Mare, just wait. Don’t do anything drastic. I’ll take you to your sister, okay? Sinchinrei, come here,” the princess commands.
“I can’t.”
“Yes. Yes, you can. You don’t need to pass the trials. You just want to. Please tell me you want Mare alive more. Please, please, tell me that.”
Of course. Of course, I want Mare to live more. I’m doing this for him, for him and Suyai. I’m doing this because I’m not strong enough to defeat the Aya Runa on my own. I’m not worth the love Mare and Suyai so freely give. Not yet.
I have to get the Sun Staff.
But I’ve never heard the princess beg. I don’t want to hear it ever again.
“I just need to get the Sun Staff…” I whisper, staring at my hands, as if the staff could just appear in them, as if I could wrap my hands around it. “I just need…”
“Mare, Mare, stop it. I’ll take you now. Stop.”
I look up, and Mare’s hand is a hair’s breadth away from the princess’s palm. The wind picks up. The princess’s hair is turning stark white. She’s going to teleport them as close to Lima as she can.
And I’m not going with them. I can’t go with them.
I go, and I never come back. I go, and the Aya Runa will know I’m there.
I go, and I’ll be too weak to fight them.
I take a step away from the funnel of wind surrounding them.
The princess’s voice is barely louder than the wind, but her words hit me so hard I stumble further back.
“You made him like this. You taught him to use me.”
When it truly hits me that I can reach out, that the princess is right, that I’m losing, they’re already gone.
I’m alone.